TurboNurse

Tournament

2011-02-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

Just participated in tournament #2 yesterday. My first tournament I had to sit out on half the events because of my broken elbow so it was my first time competing (i use the term loosely) in all 4 events...patterns, sparring, power breaking, technique breaking.

I was put in the bracket with all the teenage/adult guys so that is why I use the term competing loosely. It wouldn't have been fair to put me in the girls bracket becuase I think I would have swept it because of my size. I am the only adult female at the school right now who is doing tae kwon do. Makes things a little tricky every now and again.

Patterns was our first event and it went really well for me. I was nervous about going up against one person but other than that, I just went out there with my game face on and did what I knew I could do. I ended up sweeping the bracket, never losing a round and having all 3 judges vote for me each time I was up. That felt really good. I'd really like to see where I end up in a tournament that is bigger because I think it would be interesting and a ton of fun.

Next up was sparring. I wasn't mentally prepared for sparring and when I showed up to the tournament to warm up, I was told we were going to spar each other. I was not in the mindset to spar. At all. It was really sad and I'm a little upset at myself for not placing at least 3rd in this category. I really should have and I think I have the ability to but I let my mind win and take over. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I went up for three rounds. Remember I'm the only girl in this group. I won my first round which I was really happy about. My second round I went up against a guy who I know is a really awesome fighter. I really tried my best but he beat me. On my third round I went up against a guy that I should have kicked the crap out of but at that point my mind had totally taken over and taken a vacation. It was such a terrible round that I embarassed even thinking about it. I know I could have gone in there and really opened up on him but I didn't. If I had gone in on him, I would have been a contender for 3rd place.

I learned a lot about sparring. I know I made mistakes, some major, that I am going to learn from and not make again.

The last two events were breaking events where male genetics will outdo female genetics every time.

Power breaking. This is another of my favorite events. We had to do a side kick and a downward fist. I knew I had the side kick in the bag as far as being able to break a lot of boards. I feel like the kick I did was one of the best I've done in a long time. I feel like I put all of my power and speed into it. It felt fantastic!!! I broke all 3 boards.

I was nervous about the downward fist because I had only got to practice the break once during class and it was my first time attempting to do this break with my right hand. In the last tournament I participated in, I did a downward knife hand with my left hand because of my broken elbow. I'm actually very happy with how I did considering the lack of practice I had with it. The station was set up with 3 boards and I was able to get full points on two of them.

At the end of this round I was told I missed placing by two points!!!!!!!!!!!! That would have been so awesome to place in power breaking in the guys category!

The last event was my absolute worst but I did enjoy it and I tried my best. It was technique breaking. We had to do a flying side kick and a jumping front kick. The flying side kick is a mental game for me and the more I do it, the more I conquer myself. I was able to perform the kick on the first round really well. I felt like I hit the board very square on. Round two we had to jump a little farther and I didn't make it. What kills me about this is that I know I can do it with more practice and I enjoy it so much I want to do it again.

The jumping front kick I really thought I would be able to do but this is another one that I have done less than I would like....I got to try it twice before the tournament. I think with practice I could have a shot at this too. I just need to do it more.

All in all it turned out to be a good day and I learned so much about all of the events that I will carry forward.

Now it's time to heal up my shins. They're pretty bruised up from sparring and my left ankle is giving me problems again. Other than that, I'm feeling good and ready to go again.

The more competitions I do between now and Brazil, the more I will learn and grow, and the more prepared I will be to kick some ass.

bad nurse day/braces

2011-02-07T16:42:00.000-07:00

Had my first bad nurse day yesterday. I had been taking care of a 400 gram (14 ouces) baby all week. Yesterday the baby decided to have a huge episode where it drops its heartrate and stops breathing. This is extremely common in premature babies becuase the CNS is still growing along with everything else so they "forget" to breathe and hence the heartrate drops. What's not usual is to have to bag the baby. Usually just some gentle stimulation will remind them that they are not in mom anymore and have to breathe on their own.

So my kiddo has this huge spell where it needed bagging. I went in when the isolette and started stimulating him as soon as the monitors started going off. I kept looking for the heart rate to come up and it didn't. It was down way too long.

Then I froze.

I don't know how long I froze but I panicked. I finally remember someone asking me if I want RT there and I said yes and I want the practitoner as well. Then my pod partner came over and jumped in and totally saved me and started bagging the baby for me.

I feel like I'm a terrible nurse because I froze and could have killed this baby due to my lack of action. It really makes me second guess what I do.

Please don't mistake this for me giving up. I LOVE what I do. It was just a HUGE blow to my confidence that I need to recover from. I also learned a lot of what not to do for next time.

Then it doesn't help that every time the charge comes around (this was not a permanent charge btw) she hounded me on how I need to ask for help.

Well yeah, I kinda figured that out and am already beating myself up over this, I don't need your help.

I'm very nervous about going back to work now. I know I can do it though. It was just a setback.

Today I got my braces on. I was supposed to get the upper and lowers on but it was determined that there is not enough room for the braces to clear my overbite so they put the uppers on and are going to get them moving and then I will get my lowers on.

I got them on this morning and was thinking that it wasn't so bad. Now it's 4:30 in the afternoon and I'm singing a totally different tune.

Ouch is all I can say! I tried to eat some Triscuits with sour cream (don't knock it til you try it, yum!) and it hurt so much when biting and trying to chew the Triscuits that I ate two and gave up and got a can of soup out because it was soft. So far the can of soup is still sitting there. I drank the juices off of it but am a little leery of trying to chew the veggies in there.

I took some ibuprophen before my appointment at the suggestion of my coworkers. I just took another dose now. I sure hope it helps.

If I don't touch my top and bottom teeth together I'm OK but if I accidently bump them, it's game over.

I'm going to see how I feel but I am planning on going to tae kwon do tonight. I don't know if I will spar or not. I got a mouthguard but I don't like the way it fits. It doesn't do much at all in the area of shock absorption which is the big issue with being hit and not getting a concussion. So now I am going to search the internet to see if I can find a good mouthguard for braces that I like.

Wish me luck.

Feeling good!

2011-01-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Had a really awesome tae kwon do class tonight! I wish I could have sparred. Should find out late this week if I will be able to or if I'm going to have to take a break from contact for a while.

We did some drills using pads tonight and I paired up with one of the black belts. She really pushed me and I liked it! I feel successful in what I did and attempted. I've been struggling lately trying to get people to come at me faster so that I can have a challenge and improve. I've been feeling frustrated in that aspect for about a month now.

Tonight the black belt I worked with came at me at a nice good challenging pace and I loved it! Working with her is exactly what I have been looking for! Was I perfect? Heck no! No matter what rank you are in TKD, there is always room for improvement.

Did my skill grow? Definately!!! That is what I strive for! Every class I push myself to become faster and better than I was in the last class.

What people need to realize is that improvement doesn't happen overnight like we would like it to. We have to work at it. If I learn something new in one class and attempt to use that skill or do my best to improve my form on an existing skill, that is advancement to me. I know that if I stick with it, I will eventually reach my goal of improved form or landing that kick that I've been working on forever.

I remember when I was a white belt a year ago and couldn't land a back kick when someone was walking toward me to save my life (I could hardly land one standing still)! Tonight I totally nailed it! I need to work on getting faster.....having the person holding the pad run at me. Like I stated above, it's an improvement on an existing skill I'm going to work on. Hopefully in a year I will be able to look back to this day and see the improvement I've made through dedication.

Tomorrow is weigh in #4 at Weight Watchers. I've been slacking this week in weighing myself. I don't have any excuse as to why, I just haven't been. I'm a little nervous becuase I'm not too sure what to expect when I step on the scale tomorrow.

A little part of me is expecting either no change or a small, less than a pound, change just because of where I am at in my cycle. I've been feeling a little water logged these past few days........go figure.......I've been craving salt.

We shall see.

Night all! Be safe if you are getting snow!

I'm back!

2011-01-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

Watch out Albuquerque Fit folks! Terie's back (but not as a coach)!!! Hahahahahaha!

It felt good to be out with the group again. I've sure missed all these people! I needed the break but I'm so ready to do this again.

Right now I have no race plans. I'm just running to run so there is no pressure either way to run more, harder, faster. I'm going to run what I run and that's how it goes.

I ran with the half marathon people today. I did 3 miles. That was enough. Any more and I think I would have been too tired. Can you believe that? Tired after only 3 miles?!?!?!?!?! How crazy is that?!?!?!?! Needless to say, I have to build my base back up before I think of doing anything big. Right now the only thing on the radar is Boulder Boulder over Memorial Day weekend. Even if I end up walking that, I'm perfectly OK with that. I'm just excited to be back.

I'm oficially signed up for the 10k program but they start at 2 miles so the plan right now is to follow the beginner HM program until they get to 6 miles wich will be in about a month and then I will evaluate from there how I feel and how things are going and make a decision on if I will continue with the half program or modify it to keep me in shape for a 10k.

The reason I'm not trying to push it is because running is for fun and to enjoy. Plus tae kwon do is still my primary sport. I LOVE it and if I let running take over, there will be no time for TKD which would be tragic.

Off to church I head now. I'm singing in the choir for the first time in about 6 months or so. This is going to be fun!

Bravo! 6.2lbs and counting!

2011-01-25T19:25:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I've been at Weight Watchers for only 3 weeks and have already lost 6.2 pounds! This really works!

Those of you who know me well know that I once let myself get up to around 235 pounds and have lost a lot of that on my own. It took me about 2 years to lose it all. I wonder what I would have done if I had taken on Weight Watchers back then! Before it took me about 2-3 months to lose 6 pounds.

I also tried using Sparkpeople last winter. I had success. I lost the same amount of weight that I have with Weight Watchers but it took me 8-9 weeks.

There is something to be said for finding a group to hold you accountable. The rewards are also very nice to get as well. I've been looking forward to getting my 5 pound sticker since I joined and I got it today (along with a bravo sticker)!! The support is so amazing and I really like the group leader. She's so motivating even though she's about 40 years older than I am (this is not an exaggeration).

I know I am over the average 1-2 pounds a week right now but I have a feeling it's going to slow down soon.

Week one -3.6
Week two -0.4
Week three -2.2!

Woot!

Maybe that is the pattern my body will follow.

Either way I am super happy with the results I've been seeing. I will take my weekly measurements tomorrow morning since I've already filled my stomach with my yummy dinner tonight.

This week I had two yummy splurges. One was a frozen pizza I made and ate however much of it I pleased. The second meal was at Sadie's. If you live in the Albuquerque area, you know how dangerous Sadie's can be. It's so yummy and they serve my favorite New Mexican food.

I tried at first to resist the chips n salsa but was too hungry and I gave in knowing I was having a splurge anyway. We did so good though in that we did not get a second basket of chips when they came around to ask us. Yay us!! Instead of ordering my typical chicken tacos (I usually order two tacos, one to eat there and one to take home for leftovers), I changed it up and ordered a chicken burrito instead. I still got double papas with red chile that of course came with cheese. I decided since I really wanted this splurge, I was going to eat as many of the papas as I wanted until my heart and taste buds were content. I made this decision since I didn't get a whole plate full like I would have with the tacos. There was about one cup worth of papas on the plate. Perfect portion to satisfy!

The burritos are pretty big that they serve so I menally broke it up into thirds and decided I was going to eat one third of it and then stop. Before I asked for a box to go, I asked Scott if he would eat the leftovers. He was a little shocked that I asked him because usually if he eats my leftovers before I get a chance to get at them, I'm not happy. This time I was happily offering them to him. He seemed hesitant at first, probably a lesson learned from before. :) Once he was sure I was 100% for real about it, he was on board and agreed if the burrito came home, he would eat it so I wouldn't be tempted.

That's what I got my Bravo! sticker for! :)

Work is still going well. I had to take a class today on sprituality. As if I weren't already bombarded by this through school, orientation, and continuum! It was so boring! Luckily we got out an hour early so I didn't have to deal with rush hour traffic.

The lady who taught this class was such and idiot though! She asked who the person was that works NBICU and I said it was me. She then proceeds to ask me if I know any cultural rituals around birth! I gave her the, trying not to be sarcastic answer aka biting my tounge....hard!, that we don't have anything to do with the birth of the babies, that is L&D (I had to point that one out to her since she she seemed to think I do L&D in NICU...eye roll), we just deal with the babies after they are born.

The person teaching the class is a seasoned RN. Wow is all I can say.

Tae kwon do is going well. Had a super awesome workout last night. I wish I could have sparred but I wasn't able to so I worked the bag using techniques we did in class earlier and I also practiced my test kicks and combinations that I like to use to see if I can add on to them for future use.

My speed has been increasing. I was surprised at how much faster my slide in turn kicks have gotten! I was so surprised that I had to do them several times in a row on each leg just to make sure it wasn't a fluke or something!

Have I mentioned how much I love TKD?????? :) Even after almost a year, I'm loving it. Probably even more than when I started!!!!!

Yikes

2011-01-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little nervous about stepping on the scale at my meeting tomorrow. I really hope I have lost. I've been tracking fairly well. The only thing I haven't tracked was last nights meal out at Rudy's. I had 10 points left to use and I ordered a quarte pound of turkey and a baked potato. Well within my 10 points. For a bedtime snack last night I had a can of drained and rinsed mandarin oranges, 0 points and super yummy.

I've been weighing myself throughout the week and have seen about a half pound loss on my scale at home. I went to weigh myself this morning and forgot to do it before I took my morning pills with a huge glass of water. Doh! I won't weigh again until my meeting at noon.

I feel I've done a pretty good job with tracking everything I put into my mouth, no matter how healthy or unhealthy it is. I've also reminded myself to have a treat every now and then.

My "big" meal out this week was at Dion's. I ordered a turkey sub on wheat. I wasn't super hungry going in so it was really easy to only eat half of it (I ordered the 6") and about half of the chips that came with it. I'm very proud of myself for that. It would have been really easy to eat the whole thing and then some.

That's been the biggest challenge for me so far. Not letting myself get too hungry. Last week I was terrible at it. This week has been much much better. Every once in a while I will feel those "overhungry pangs" but I've really been trying to keep on top of it. It makes it easier to make healthier choices and if I know I shouldn't eat all of something, it makes it easier to stick to that plan.

I called the orthodontist this morning to make my second appointment to get braces put on. I thought they were going to put them on at the appointment but it doesn't sound like it. At least I have the ball rolling on it. They called this a records appointment. I know they are going to take molds of my mouth.

As nervous as I am about it, I really hope that they put the braces on that same day as well. I can't believe I'm this nervous! I really wonder how it's going to change the way I look with them on and how it's going to feel. I'm not worried about the pain at all. Nothing a little Tylenol can't help. That and some cold food or ice water to numb it (probably ice water for me).

Our new furniture should be here today. It will be nice to be rid of our old furniture. Especially since the couch is broken.

TKD is going alright. We've been doing a lot of sparring lately. A lot. I'm ready for a break. Just one week off would be nice and then we can get back to it. Last Wednesday I had a terrible day. I just couldn't think straight and wasn't throwing and landing things like I have been doing. I'm pretty sure it's a mental thing.

Sparring, for me, is mentally taxing because it's comparable to a game of chess. It's a game of strategy so you are constantly watching cues from your opponent and looking for the right time to attack. When it's right, you just know it and go for it. I got some good rushes in but I wasn't happy with what I did otherwise. I really hope tonight goes better. I have some frustration I need to get out.

3.6 gone

2011-01-12T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty excited! I had my weekly weigh in yesterday with WW. I was surprised at how nervous I was about going! I'm used to weighing myself 2-3 times a week but when the weigh-in counts, it felt different. It shouldn't have. But it did.

It was really awesome to see the face of the person who weighed me in. She smiled at me real big and was very happy and proud. I had lost 3.6 pounds in one week!

I knew I had lost because of tracking my weight at home. I wasn't expecting it to be that much though. I was expecting around 2 pounds so needless to say I was super super happy.

I need to take some before and after pics. I plan on doing that today.

The thing need to be careful of now is to not expect this every week. Weeks like this, in real life, are the exception, not the rule.

I would be thrilled with a 1.5 or 2 pound loss next week. That would give my my 5 pound sticker in two weeks. If that's realistic or not, we shall see.

That's the other key to success in weight loss. One needs to realize that there will be ups and downs and we have to take the highs with the lows.

I made a goal this week of having fresh fruit with my breakfast. So far I haven't done that. I am planning on having an apple with peanut butter for my snack today. Our group leader challenged us this week to make 10 meals of just power foods. I'd like to do that as well. I know two goals can be quite lofty. I'm going to try my best. If I don't reach one, then it will be my one and only goal for next week.

Last week I used all of my activity points (I have it set up to use those first) and had 35 "bonus" points left over. I hope to do the same thing this week.

fake it til you make it!

2011-01-10T12:17:00.000-07:00

I saw this on a message board that I like to hang out on and it just stuck.

This is how I feel as a new nurse. I've had to fake my confidence. It's still not all there because there is so much I don't know about but it's getting there. I'm able to speak to parents with more knowledge in my arsenal which also makes me more confident in what I'm telling them and hopefully that will help them have confidence in me as I take care of their tiny one.

I've been taking care of more chronic kids lately and am ready to go back to higher acuity.

That's what I like about working where I do. Yes it is a critical care environment but we really see different spectrums of care from the super critically ill 1:1 patient to our more chronic kids who still need our care because things can go wrong very quickly, of course, but are pretty stable on the grand scheme of things.

I think I would get burnt out if we had all super critical kids all the time or if we had more of the chronic type all the time. The variety keeps me thinking in different ways and I really appreciate that.

Over the past two weeks I've had two orthodontic consulatations for braces. I'm super exctied to be able to get them. I'm amazed at the cost difference between the two different docs I visited. They both offered the same treatment in the same amount of time. There was about a 1500-2000 dollar difference though.

It seems the only difference between the two was the office. Both of their before and after pictures looked absolutely fantastic. Nice neat and precise work. Dr #1 has a brand new office which is a 5 minute drive from my house. It is very nice but to the point. Not a lot of extras which is just fine for me.

Dr #2's office was amazing. It was very modern and inviting. There was pretty awesome music being played in the reception area. They had a tray of cookies out for patients, two different sinks you could use to brush your teeth. The sinks were really neat looking, something like you would see in a nice custom built home. There was a pretty big tropical fish tank in the office built into the wall. Outside the consultation room, there were actually video games like you would see in an arcade! In a dentists office!!!!!!

Can you guess which dentist/orthodontist charged more???? Yeah, nuff said.

I did like Dr #2 but I cannot justify spending that much more. If it were only a $500 difference, I could totally justify going to Dr #2 if I had wanted too.

As an adult it was kind of rediculous to me to see arcade games in his office. The whole thing seemed so over the top that I wonder if he's trying to make up for something or if he's really that popular and successful. It was very "showy" to me.

I go for my second weigh in with Weight Watchers tomorrow. Will be interesting to see if I've lost anything. I think I have.

I weigh myself at home pretty regularly and the past several times I've weighed myself, the scale has been reading 2-2.5 pounds lighter. I hope the WW scales pick up the same thing. I'm not tracking my weight at home on anything because it's the weigh in at WW that counts toward my goal.

I admit I have a hard time sticking to my daily points allowance. The good news is that I'm tracking everything that has been going into my mouth. That has made a difference in my food choices. I also earn a lot of activity points from working out so I only used 15 of my weekly allowance points on top of using all my activity points. I'm very happy about that.

I also wear a pedometer at work that calcualtes points as well so I'm getting activity points every day I'm at work. I really like that a lot.

Weight Watchers

2011-01-05T11:05:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to lose these last 20 pounds for way too long now and finally decided it is time to do it. I joined Weight Watchers.

I've only been tracking for a few days and had my first weigh in/meeting last night. I like the environmen! The meeting leader's name is Keri (or however she spells it) and she seems to be very realistic and fun.

I thought walking in there that I would be the only younger person in there. I was wrong! Granted, it IS mostly older women in there but it's nicely sprinkled with those of us without grey hair as well.

Last night someone recieved their lifetime membership. She lost 70 pounds and some change in 10 months! She looked so good. It was inspiring seeing that.

They also hand out little "rewards" as you lose. For every 5 pounds you lose, they give you a sticker that you can put wherever you like. I plan on putting mine in my weight tracker as a reminder of my hard work. Then you get rewards for losing 5% of your body weight (my first goal), 10% (my second goal), and then you get a reward for reaching your goal. If I remember right, once you stay at your goal for 6 weeks, then you can become a lifetime member.

What I like about this program (not having done the old one ever...I lost my first 70lbs on my own) is that they point out what they call power foods, I call them clean foods. They tell us it's "the most bang for our buck." I love that they are trying to get people to eat more healthy food like that.

Fruits and most veggies are also zero points!!! I've always liked eating those but now that I'm tracking points, it's that little extra incentive to eat even more. Last night, for example, I had eaten at Chick-fil-a for dinner. I ordered a grilled chicken and fries, yes I tracked it. That took up the last of my points for the day plus a few extra. I was hungry last night before bed but didn't want to add any more extra points than I already did so instead of snacking on triscuits, I opened up a can of fruit and then went to bed. It was nice that I got to eat and didn't have to add any more points to my daily total.

Let's be real about this though. Weight Watchers is nothing special or any different than eating good and reducing calories. What is different from say, sparkpeople.com is the support and extra stuff that you get.

I was searching for quick meal ideas for breakfast and lunch for when I work because that is really hard for me. I found a place on the online tools that has quick meal ideas and it's right up my ally! They're quick, easy, and something that I can put together before I go to work.

It seems that everything I was lacking on sparkpeople.com has been included in WW (so far).

I also like the idea of weekly meetings. It gives me a little extra edge to know that someone is going to be holdin me accountable for what I put into my mouth for a week. I can't wait until I get to put my first 5lb's lost sticker on my weight tracker.

I also like the fact that I know I will have support to help me lose weight after I have a baby. They don't want you on the program while pregnant, understandably so. What they do is put your membership on hold and you go back when you get clearance from your Dr. One of my fears has been weight gain with pregnancy and it really eases a lot of that anxiety knowing that I will have something to look forward to to help me with that when it's over.

Wish me luck. I think I've made a good decision.

Green belt to blue stripe

2010-12-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

So I passed my testing although it could have gone much better.

I made silly mistakes that I don't normally make in my patterns. I messed up on the second and fourth patterns. Little mistakes but still. They're not mistakes that I make. It's amazing at how being sick messes with your concentration.

I went in with that foggy head feeling which is never good. My saving grace is that at that point, I thought I was starting to clear up. I wasn't coughing and my nose had stopped running for a bit.

We started with patterns. They weren't my best, as stated above. I feel alirght about them though. As we were starting our patterns Mike started to give me a hard time about something and then Mr T (Michael) jumped in on it. It was a good time. It gave me an idea for a new comeback. haha!

Next up were our kicks. This is where I was really starting to know that I wasn't at my best. I was giving it all I had to make them look good. Afterward I was talking to my husband and he said it looked like I was just hopping instead of jumping. While I was doing the kicks it felt to me like I should be jumping. I had a couple of good 180 back kicks in there. The rest were just meh. They didn't feel as good and smooth as they typically did for me. I know I'm capable of much better.

After this we broke out into several different areas. First up was splits for me. I ended up being right where I thought I would be. I had made a goal at my last testing to get to 180 degrees on the machine. I made it to 170 which is actually not as far as I had gone on my last test. Needless to say, I'm still working on that goal. Last testing I was at 172.5-ish.

Required knowledge was next. No worries here.

Last up out of this part of testing was breaking. I really enjoy breaking. A lot. My breaks were a jump turn kick and an outward knife hand. This was the only area I felt confident in yesterday. I was able to perform both breaks on the first try. My jumping turn kick was either high or low. I'm not sure because I didn't look to see how the boards landed when I broke them. I'm wondering if I went a little high from where I measured. The outward knife hand went really well. That one I broke straight down the middle and across the knot in the board.

We all regrouped one last time to do our pushups, situps, and squats. I was nervous about this one because of the pushups. I wasn't worried about getting them all in, what I was worried about was going down far enough. I feel like I'm getting better and stronger at them but still have some room to improve. One thing I can say is that I'm thankful for all of the pushups I've been doing while at work. They felt easier this time around. I had to do 35 of each in 2 minutes. It was close on the pushups because I was trying my hardest to go down as far as I could. I heard the 30 second buzzer go off and just did 5 real quick to make sure I got them in. They were 5 really crappy ones but I got it done.

I surprised myself on situps. At the last testing I was required to do 30 and I remember just barely making it over that in 2 minutes. This time I did 44!! My goal for next testing will be to do 50+ in two minutes.

Squats went OK. Apparently I had a real odd form going on them. Not surprising since I wasn't feeling well. I don't even know what I was doing but I remember people around me telling me to not bend my back. I'm wondering if I was arching it or something.

All in all I did pass. I could have done better if I weren't sick so I'm not fully satisfied with this round of testing. The good part of it is that I gave myself a lot of room to improve for when I go for my blue belt so I will have to excuse to show progress.

Now this cold can go away any time.

For my nursing friends

2010-12-18T09:52:00.002-07:00

I was not the creative one who came up with these. I found this in a post on http://www.allnurses.com/.

ENJOY!!!

A couple of us felt the need to change the lyrics to some Christmas Song Favorites---hope you enjoy!

(To the tune of Oh Christmas Tree)

Oh CBI, Oh CBI, how rapidly you're running!

Oh CBI, Oh CBI, how rapidly you're running!

The foley still is cherry red...

The patient thinks he's nearly dead...

Oh CBI, Oh CBI, When will you stop your clotting!

(To the Tune of Deck the Halls)

Wreck the halls with urine & stool!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Clean the patient like a fool

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Get the rectal tubes a-flowing...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Seems like everybody's going!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

(To the tune of Winter Wonderland)

Call light ring

No one's listening

Someone screams

"Stop his *******!"

It's normal at night

To cry out "All RIGHT!"

Working in a midnight wonderland.

Patients Yell

Gimme Pain Meds

What's that smell?

It's the same bed!

You're running the halls

Cuz everyone calls

Working in midnight wonderland.

In the middle there will be a Code Blue

Then we found out that he's a DNR

We'll have fun explaining all of this to

The Person who's in charge of all of us!

Later on, he'll expire

Then we'll call the house doctor

Who sleeps in his room

Don't call him TOO soon!

Working in a midnight wonderland!!

(To the tune of I'll Be Home for Christmas)

I'll be home on Christmas

Don't you dare call me!

I don't care

If no one's there

It's my day to be free

Christmas Eve I'm working

'Til the sun comes up!

And I'll be home on Christmas

So sooorrry---touch luck!!!!

And finally...

(To the tune of Silver Bells)

Poopy Bedpans

Smelly Trash Cans

Dressed in bright yellow gowns

In the air it's a feeling of C-diff....

Patients crapping

Nurses Laughing

Clean up bile after bile

And in all nurses' stations you'll hear.....

Saggy B*alls

Saggy B*alls

It's time for scrotal support!!

Ringaling

Hold up that thing

Soon they will be on the floor!!!!

(To the tune of The Dreidel Song)

We have a vial of Haldol

We use it every day

And if our patients go crazy

You'll surely hear us say

OHHHH Haldol Haldol Haldol

We give to you for sleep!

Haldol Haldol Haldol

You will not make a peep!!

Hope you got a kick outta this....we had so much fun writing these!!!

Merry Christmas Everybody!!!

Resiliant

2010-12-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was told this morning by the PA I went to see that I am resilient (sp?). I guess I should take that as a compliment but quite honestly, I can't imagine living my life any other way than that which I have chosen. It's just me. Who I am. What I do.

I'd like to take a moment to say how thankful I am for where I am in life right now. Life isn't perfect but I'm pretty happy with where I am at. I feel very thankful for my wonderful job and everything else I have worked so hard for. I'm thankful that I am going back to school in January with my end goal being my MSN. I'm thankful that we are where we are financially, it hasn't always been this way. I'm really happy that my body is holding up through all the stuff I put it through with my different exercise endeavors.

That being said, none of this happened by chance. I've had to be strong to stick to my goals. I wouldn't have been able to do this if it weren't for the support I've had from my husband, friends, and God (in no particular order).

Yesterday at work I got my butt kicked. I wouldn't say it was a bad day, just busy for me. I had a pretty alright assignment and was also 2nd admit. The assignment I had was totally appropriate as an admission assignment. What threw me is that we got our first admit yesterday at about 9:30 or so and about 15 minutes after that baby arrived on the unit, the team was called over to another delivery. It was a term c-section so I wasn't expecting to get anything. Then I realized they were over there for quite some time for a term secion so I got to thinking I was going to be getting this baby. Term babies that come to us scare me because we don't typically get term babies unless there is something wrong with them such as congenital diaphramatic hernia (we've has a run on these lately) or if they have severe respiratory distress from things such as meconium aspiration.

This kiddo had niether of these. Let me clarify that a litte bit more. The baby did have respiratory distress but not from meconium aspiration. My guess is either from having a low H/H or TTN (transient tachypnea of the newborn--common with sections becuase the secretions are not being squeezed out of the lungs) or a combination of both.

It was amazing how white this baby was when it came to us. The parents are of the darker skinned variety and this baby was more white than the whitest white person I know.

This admit ended up being more sick than the first admit which we expected would be super sick and wasn't.

So we did the typical lab draws and all that stuff. Had to give a bolus right off the bat and then another bolus after that. Then they ordered blood to be given.

This was a new experience for me. I never had the opportunity to give blood on orientation and since I've been off, the opportunity just has not come up for me. It wasn't that bad. We had to double verify the blood, double check the orders (again 2 RN's involved) and then prime the tubing. We use special tubing for the blood but it's different that giving it to adults. There is no normal sailine carrier that goes with it. It's just the blood which was different for me. The only time normal sailine went in was when the line was flushed. There was still the usual charting. I charted every 15 minutes for the first hour and then every half hour after that until the blood was done (it goes in over 4 hours).

I am feeling more comfortable at work but I still have so much to learn! I've been there for 7 months now but I feel like I'm still trying to find my feet.

What I'd really like to make as a goal for next year is to start doing flex and going to deliveries. I'm going to talk to my charge nurse about that and see what she has to say.

I'm so excited about going back to school in January. I got an email from my director saying that I can sign up for my CAP III. CAP is basically an increase in pay grade for things like education and certifications.

I'm a little confused because I was asking about this earlier and was told I wouldn't be eligible until I start the actual BSN courses. Right now I'm taking the last of the prereq's required for the BSN. I need to go talk to her about it. Not that I'm complaining that they want to give me more money, I just want to clarify everything so that I don't get in trouble for anything.

Tae Kwon Do testing is on Saturday. The husband is able to come and I'm so excited for him to be able to see what we do. I can't wait! I feel very ready for this!

In class on Monday we were doing test review and another green belt and myself were working on our patterns. Mike came over and was watching me do the last half of my pattern. It made me so nervous that he was watching!!!! I lost my concentration for a bit but got it back. He told me my pattern is looking good, I just need to work on my sine wave on the move in the pattern right before the side kick. I will be working on that tonight.

Blog

2010-12-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

How sad that this is the most creative title I can come up with right now?

Things are going good. For the first time in my life I was able to do the full boat pose without having to hold onto my legs. It wasn't that I ever lacked the core control to be able to do it, it was that I lacked the strength in my legs to be able to hold them straight. I took yoga last week and bingo! I did it! Not only did I do the full boat pose but I was able to go from low boat post up to full boat pose!

Tae Kwon Do is going well. We have belt testing on Saturday and I'm very excited! This is the hardest I've had to work for a new belt yet! My current pattern, Won-Hyo is the first pattern I've had to do with a side kick in it. That has been a huge challenge for me balance wise. I've been working on my balance and kicking at least 4 times a week on top of going to class just to get it down. I'm a total type A personality. Can you tell?

I've been noticing more improvement lately as well. It's so encouraging when I can feel it myself. It gives me such a sense of accomplishment, like all the time I've been putting into it is totally worth it.

I have admittedly slacked off on my pushups though. I'm a little nervous about doing them for my testing. I have to do 35 in 2 minutes. I was able to get signed off on them which means that I'm doing them but I need to be able to get more range of motion (go deeper). So what I've done is gone back to doing them on my knees, 40 at a time, making sure I go deeper into it to train my muscles and once I get that down I will go back to doing them on my toes outside of class. Of course during class and when doing my warmups, I'm doing them on my toes like I should.

Work has been good. Last week I had my first 1:1 assignment. It was really scary! It was very fast paced and things just kept happening one after another. I ran my butt off that day more than I would do with a regular 2:1 assignment. When I first came on shift I had to start a Versed drip, give a normal sailine bolus, and give two rescue doses of Versed and fentanyl, then one more normal sailine bolus. All within the first 30 minutes of my shift this was ordered. At the end of the day I really enjoyed having a 1:1 but am glad that I get a nice mix of things as well becasue if I had to do that day in and day out, I think I would get real tired of it real quick.

I'm still trying to figure out the dynamic at work. It seems that the same people keep getting the same assignments. I know it's probably wasting my time but I'm just trying to figure out why. In some cases I know it's because certain people really like taking care of our long term kids. I work the end of the week and there is definately a "core" group there that has been working together for quite some time. I think that has a lot to do with it.

I signed up to take an online class next semester at CNM. I'm taking a humanities class called Pop Culture and Identity. I'm taking this because the other classes I was trying to get into were full already. I'm really hoping that UNM will accept this as a humanities elective but if they don't, at least I'll be taking a class that sounds very interesting.

I'm hoping to start my BSN in the fall. I'm going to talk to advisers there and see if I can also take some core MSN classes as well that way when I decide for sure on my MSN route (if I decide to do it at UNM) I'll have the basics out of the way and will be able to just jump right in to the core classes. It works out because either way I'm getting my masters. That fact is not in question at all, never has been. What is in question is the specialty. I'm still throwing several specialties around. I will have it nailed down by the time I get to starting my master's though. It's just that I am such a new nurse and need a little more time on the floor to see where my heart really is.

One thing that upsets me is the tuition that UNM charges for the nursing program! The tuition for the regular RN-BSN is over $300 per credit hour! How rediculous is that?!?!?!?! The real kicker is that it's still cheaper than going to another school because other school require more classes, will take longer, blah blah blah. I emailed the advisor asking her why the tuition was so much more. Of course I didn't get a good answer. It basically came out to "because we can". Pffttt!

The worst part of it is that my work will ONLY reimburse me the REGULAR tuition rate so I'm going to have to pay out of pocket for some of my BSN. That was totally NOT in the game plan!

What can I really do about it though? It is what it is. I just have to bite the bullet and take one for the team.

Thanful

2010-11-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

Better late than never.

Thankful.

I am thankful for this whole year. The ups, the downs. The good. The bad. The ugly. The painful.

Most of all I'm thankful for the healthy body that I have worked so hard for. There is nothing better than having the freedom to move freely and pain free. My body has been through the ringer so far this year with a broken bone and two (yes two!) sprained ankles (at the same time to boot! luckily not severe!). It has endured many hits and healed from many bruises. Here's to many more to come! But we can leave out the breaks and sprains please.

I'm thankful for my legs. My legs have carried me though a lot this year. They have run, kicked, cycled, and pushed me through so much.

I'm thankful for flexibility. If it weren't for flexibility I would be able to move like I do. I also have to thank strength here as well since they both go together. If I didn't have the strength and flexibility I've worked so hard for I wouldn't be able to kick and move like I do.

I'm thankful for the job that found me so quickly after graduation this year and all the hard working dedicated people I've gotten the privelage to know through this.

I'm thankful that I'm aware that my job is my job and does not define me as a person. I'm still me and haven't lost that to anything.

I'm thankful for all the people in my life, new friends and old. Of course I'm thankful for my husband for many many reasons.

I'm thankful that I've been able to stay strong through the changes that have happened this year. The Lord knows it hasn't been easy. He's heard ALL about it, many many times!!!!!

On that note, I'm thankful for my relationship with God. If it weren't for Him, I would have crumbled long long ago.

I'm thankful for my bike, aka Speedy. It's pretty awesome.

I'm thankful to have a decent solid roof over my head so I can sleep well at night and not have to worry. We've worked very hard these past few years while I was in school to keep it.

This list could go on and on but I hope you get the jist of it. There are so many things in life to be thankful for that I couldn't possibly list them all here. So to sum things all up, I'm thankful to be alive and able to live the life that I live surrounded by the people that I know.

Tucson Race Report

2010-11-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Tucson went off without a hitch. I feel good saying that now that everyone is safe at home.

As I had written earlier, the ride down was uneventful for the most part. I spent the first 2-ish hours of that one trying not to be sick but when we stopped in Socorro and ate, I felt better after that so I must have been hungry. I hope.

We woke up race day at about 0615 to get all of our stuff ready and to eat some breakfast at the hotel at 7. It was so nice to go to a race and be able to eat a nice good breakfast before. All the running races I've done have been so early that I haven't been able to do that on the road.

We got all of us loaded up and headed to the 80 mile start for the guys. It was actally nice and easy to find a spot to park to drop them off. They were so calm about the whole thing. I got a picture of them and I have to laugh when I see it. Not one of them are smiling. They are all just glaring and so solemn.

Got the guys dropped off and then I headed over to my start. I started at 1030 (I think). Either way I had about an hour and a half between the time that I dropped them off until I started to roll.

I got to the parking lot and just took my time getting ready. I noticed that my phone battery was about halfway gone already so I plugged my phone into my car and was listening to channel 24 on my Sirius radio to get myself going. There was a nice couple next to me getting ready at the same time so we struck up some conversation about Albuquerque. The lady next to me had run Duke City a few years back (I don't know if she did the full or the half) so we talked about that for a while.

After I got tired of just putzing around the car, I hopped on the bike and made my way down to the start line and lined up. I debated using the bathroom there but luckily there was a bathroom with a flushing toilet that apparently not many people in the parking lot knew about. I'm so glad I used that one before I headed down. I made sure to stuff some extra toilet paper in my pocket just in case the porta pots on the route ran out of it like I've experienced in running races.

I lined up in the front half or third, it was hard to tell how many people were behind me, at the advice of the guys. It worked out well. The bad part is that I had an hour before the race started so I just sat on my bike, not on the seat but on the top tube, and hung out. There was a girl going around in the crowd taking pre race pictures of people and she came up and asked me if she could take my picture and I told her sure. Then she looked at me and told me that I'm so calm. All I could think is what other way is there to be? I'm not about to be jumping around and moving all about wasting energy I knew I was going to need out on the course.

Also as I was lining up I had a freakout moment. I was looking around at everyone as they were lining up and talking to their friends and I suddenly felt totally out of my league. The feeling hit me so hard that I almost bagged it. I didn't feel like I belonged there at all.

Then another lady lined up next to me and we struck up some conversation. That was nice. She had done the race before and we were talking about it. I couldn't help but think she looked JUST like my sister. I never caught her name but I did know she was from Phoenix. I also remember she had on a really cool looking jersey with matching shorts.

Finally it's time to roll. Yay! It only took me a minute to cross the chip mat and I was off. The wind was already starting to pick up before we started and by the time we got going, it was going as well. We started off on what felt like a slight downhill and I was going at about 20-25mph. It felt so good!

The wash/river crossing was about 4 miles in so just as I'm getting warmed up and ready to go, it's time to get off the bike and hike it for 1/3 mile. It sure felt longer than that! The portapots didn't have much of a line so I decided that would be a good spot to use them. I was in and out. It was nice. Toward the end of the wash was an aid station so I hit up a huge glass of water and grabbed a pretzel on my way out.

I had so much crap in my shoes that as soon as I hit pavement, I pulled off to the side and dumped the river out of them. There was so much sand and rocks in there that I never thought I would get it all out.

What I wasn't prepared for was the hill going out of this neighborhood. It was a fairly short hill but it went up in three chunks. The first two chunks were alright but the last part of the hill, I found out later, was at an 18% grade! It was rediculous! I saw so many people walking their bikes up and stubborn me was determined to NOT do that so I stood up and just pounded out that last little bit. There was no way I would have made it if I wouldn't have stood on it. I was so proud of myself for not getting off the bike and walking it.

The ride for the next 20 miles was uneventful for the most part. I stopped at the firestation aid station expecting something more than the fruit and water becasue I heard that last year it was really good. Nope. Fruit and water. But that's OK. I ate some bananna and took more water that I needed anyway.

As I was entering that station, an ambulance was going by and we all thought it was for a biker. Of course we didn't want that to be the case but it crossed all our minds. Luckily we never saw an amulance on the course but apparently there was a wreck somewhere farther up that had traffic all backed up so a big group of us got stopped at a stoplight for what felt like an eternity because of it.

My one priority goal was to make it past the 40 mile start before they got going so I wouldn't get stopped. I missed that by like 30 seconds! I was one of the first ones in line that were stopped. I was so pissed!!!!!! That ment that I would be spending the next 10-15 miles playing dodge-bike against the slower 40 milers. Grrrrrrrrr...... I was not a happy friendly rider at this point.

There were quite a few of us trying to pass the 40 milers on the left and couldn't get by. There would be noone to their right and we would say left and they would just stay there. Some of them even moved left. Idiots! I'm surprised I got out of that cluster _ _ _ _ without shoulder checking someone. It sucked.

After that cleared out it was alright. That part of the race went by so fast for me that I don't remember much from it. I do know that I skipped several aid stations through here because they were super croweded and I wasn't in the mood to play dodge bike again with the slower 40 milers, most of whom were stopping at this first station anyway.

I stopped at an aid station that was at the bottom of a most awesome hill that I made sweet time down. As soon as I left this aid station a train was coming across so I got stuck by the train. If I had not stopped at that aid station, I would have missed the train but it was one that I had to stop at because I needed another bottle of the Hammer stuff that I was using for the majority of my calories during the race. Then of course it was back to dodge bike.

What I remember next is being on what felt like a frontage road for a short time and then turning west to go around some hills. This part was so nice and peaceful. It was a nice two lane road that I saw zero cars on and the scenery was beautiful!

Then we turn a corner and start up a pretty good hill. The hill itself wouldn't have been so bad but this road was from hell!! It was so bumpy and inefficient that I was cussing it the whole way up. It felt like it was never going to end. To those that have ridden the road behind Riverpoint, it felt like that but worse. Then we topped the hill and thought that it was over but for most of the downhill it was the same. I was never so happy to see smooth road than after that. And boy was it smooth road! It was like riding on butter! It was nice and wide with a huge bike lane plus two lanes of traffic only one of which was really being used because those of us who were passing others were out in the first traffic lane.

Soon after that we turned on to the frontage road, aka the road from hell. I was expecting to make good time down this road becasue I thought it was flat. WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For me, this was the absolute WORST part of the whole race. It was nice because we had the whole road to ourselves but I was hurting so bad at this point that it didn't matter. It just plain sucked and I don't care if I ever see this road again.

Keep in mind that during the whole race we were fighting 15-20mph sustained winds either in our faces or, as was the case most of the time, coming from the side.

I didn't think this frontage road was ever going to end. It was about 10-15 miles we were on this road and we had a cross wind coming from the right. At mile 51, I look down at my computer and suddenly smell sewage. I looked to my right and what do you know, there is a lovely sewage plant of which the wind is blowing perfectly across and into us. I just about puked it stunk so bad.

I remember being so mad on this road because it was climbing the whole way and I was only doing about 13-14mph. I don't know why but I was so mad that I was climbing a hill and only going that fast. I wanted to go faster and just get this done and over with at this point. I don't think it would have mattered if it were flat and I were going 20mph, I think I still would have been upset just because I wasn't finished.

I equate this part of the course as being equal to the last 10k of a marathon. My legs felt fine but other parts of me hurt so badly and I wanted nothing more than to be done. I put on my determination cap and just did it. I knew that if I stopped, I wasn't getting back on the bike so I just put the nose to the grindstone and pounded out that last bit.

My feet really hurt me bad at this point, when I finished and took of my shoes, I had so many hot spots on my feet it was no wonder. New shoes are definately in the works for me. No doubt about it.

My hands were pretty much numb at this point and there was not one comfortable spot I could find to put them. Worst of all was my neck. It hurt so bad I wanted to cry but I couldn't because I just wanted this done so badly. I wasn't giving up at this point.

I had never felt pain like that in my life anywhere in my back.

Finally we turned off the frontage road and the crowds started to pick up. I had asked at the last stoplight that I got caught at how much longer we had on this road and one guy told me 2 miles and the other said 1.5. That helped get my spirits up knowing that this torture was almost over.

I had never felt so much relief as when we turned off that frontage road. It was so nice to have crowds again cheering for us and then I hear the announcer and just lost it. We made one left turn off the road and I saw that finish line and started to cry. I didn't let myelf get too teary eyed because I still needed to see where I was going but the sense of relief that came across me was just overwhelming. It reminded me of crossing the finish line of my first half marathon. It was really awesome.

I remember rolling across the chip mats, seeing some military guy there marking my bib and then someone taking the chip off my ankle and going through the rest of the finish chute.

I was diappointed with the end. I'm used to marathon finishes with the finishers corral and TONS of food and water available. I had to walk for what felt like an eternity to find any water and even then I saw a jug of water sitting on a table and just helped myself. The medals were all the way at the other end of the plaza as well. There really could be a lot of room for improvement there. The food I was finally able to get, I had to pay for from a vendor. Very disappointing. It was not recovery friendly at all.

The good part of the end was the massages though. There were a ton of massage talbes out there and available so the wait was quite minimal given the circumstances. That was super nice so I got a good massage. The guy worked on me for a good 20-25 minutes. It was amazing!

That night we went to a brewery place called Nimbus. It was alright. It would have been better probably if I wasn't so exhausted but they had the right postrace food so it worked.

Sleeping that night was terrible because of my back. It was basically nonexistent.

Luckily I'm heading to the chiro here soon to get myself straightened back out. Two days later my upper back still hurts like mad no matter what I do.

All in all it WAS a good race. I probably would have been in a better mood if it weren't for the wind I was fighting the whole way.

My actual ride time was 4:45:06 with an average of 14mph, much much faster than I thought I would do. I was expecting about 12.5mph average on my computer.

My chip time was 5:11:xx. For an average of 12.1 I believe.

I got a message on my facebook a little later that night from Randy telling me that my chip pace was faster than the guys.

I still haven't let them live that down.

Pre-race report

2010-11-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

The ride down to Tucson was uneventful. I do feel that I should get a medal for having rode in the back seat for as long as I did. That was hard for me. Luckily I had a good book and almost finished it. I'm currently reading The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It starts off slow but man it really picked up!

Yesterday we hit up the expo when we got here. It was alright. Nothing like going to a running expo. There weren't a whole lot of deals going on. I did get three pairs of PI socks for $15, some t-shirts, an even jersey, and a pair of sunglasses since I left mine at home. :(

This morning we woke up and had a nice breakfast here at the hotel. After we finished that up, we went for a late morning ride. We did about 16-17 miles. Just enough to work out the cobwebs. It was really nice. Started to get hot near the end but what more can you expect when the temps are supposed to top out at 80-something?

Now we're back at the hotel room taking showers and then we are heading out to In and Out burger for some lunch and then some sight seeing. I'm really hoping to see either the Biosphere 2 or the big wildlife refuge that they have here. It would also be nice to do some shopping but I doubt that will happen since I'm the only girl here and will easily be outruled on that one.

I'm very impressed with the bike trails here in Tucson. They are very well maintained with water fountains in the shade every few miles. They also link up very nicely if you want to go somewhere specific, unlike Albuquerque.

We went to Tri Sports last night as well. It wasn't as big as I had imagined but I was in LOVE with all the tri stuff that they had. Within 10 minutes of being in the store I had found about 4 different tri suits that I wanted to buy. I bought a pair of paddles there. I'm hoping that will give me some incentive to get back into the pool. It's been a long time since I've been swimming. It's probably time to buy a new swimsuit as well.

We also ate a Joe's Crab Shack last night. I totally heart that place! I wish Albuquerque had one of those! Even though I can't eat fish, they have some super awesome shrimp and margaritas in a mason jar that we got to keep the jar. Yum!

Tucson is very much like Albuquerque in some ways. They're about the same size. Tucson has mountains that surround all but the southern half of town. It's really pretty here. I also like the palm trees and the seguaro (spelling?) cacti that are everywhere. The streets are nice and clean and the businesses, for the most part, have really nice landscaping (unlike Albuquerque).

I haven't seen the really nice part of town yet. So far the houses look like Albuquerque. I'm guessing that the nicer part of town, like home, will have more of the adobe style houses. It's not bad. I'm not convinced that I would want to live here yet because of the heat but all in all, it looks like a nice place to live, work, and play.

Slug of a day

2010-11-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I had great intentions for today. None of them happened except for laundry and dishes. I feel like such a slug!

I really wanted to go to the gym today but time got away from me, thank you computer. I don't like it when this happens. It makes me feel terrible since I didn't use my body in the way it's made to be used.

The Tucson ride is coming up this Saturday. I'm not too sure what to think of it right now. I'm the only girl going down right now and I feel like and extra tag-along. I'm not really sure that I belong. I really hope I enjoy my time there. I just feel very ackward.

I'm looking forward to going to Tucson becasue I have never been there. It's also been quite a while since I've gone out of town so it's time. I'm just dying to go somewhere other than here. I'm just diappointed.

I'm bummed that I'm missing TKD all next week. If I'm not careful, I may start to go postal without getting my stress release. I've been looking for a school to try and see if I can take a class there. I've found one that says they are ITF. I'm thinking of contacting them and seeing if they would let me come. At least that way I will be able to work out my frustrations. Lord knows I have a lot of them right now.

I'm thinking I need to start looking for a tri to do to give myself some motivation to get out and train on days that there is no TKD. I keep talking to myself about going to swim because it's another sport I really enjoy but for some reason I've just not made it. I really want to go. I think when I get back from Tucson, I'm going to make myself go that Monday. For recovery, you know. :)

This past week was the worst week I have had at work so far. All three days were full of stress for me. The first two days was becasue of social issues surrounding a kid I was taking care of and the second day just started off terrible.

Our computer system went out. It wasn't just our hospital, it was nationwide. I have never paper charted like this before and it just totally threw me for a loop. I depend so much on computers. I felt like I should be a character in the book Who Moved My Cheese. My routine was just all thrown off. I didn't know what meds I had due when. Everything was late and I was just behind the 8 ball all day.

We have to change out clear fluids on days and I typically do this in the afternoon. I kept looking for my fluids and they never came. I finally caught a pharmacy tech and asked him if he had my fluids. He said he didn't. My fluids finally showed up right at shift change.

I didn't like that because it puts more work on night shift. It's a task assigned to me and it didn't get done. I don't like leaving things undone. What could I do though?

I think it will help when I go back to school in January to kill my sluggishness. I have so much free time right now that I don't know what to do with it. I have had a hard time getting into a routine. I know some people wish that they had this problem. I'm not one of them. I like to do things but in order to do things, I have to have a reason to be somewhere and do something. I need to be around people. It just helps when I can interact with them. Even if I'm not talking to someone, just being in a group is nice.

I'm a happy person when I have a full schedule. Right now I have work 3 days a week (12 hr days) so there goes those days, M and W is TKD (if I am off work those days), and when I am off on Saturdays I can either go bike with a group or go run with a group. Oh yeah, I have bible study on Tuesday mornings, again when I am off work.

I would just love to have a steady schedule of some sort. I'm getting there. It looks like in January my work schedule is going to become more consistent so that will help a lot with getting a set routine going.

Be Switzerland

2010-11-12T20:48:00.000-07:00

When you feel like there is nothing left, pray, just pray.

That was all I could do today.

Unfortunately as a nurse you get caught up in more social stuff than any one normal person should be exposed to in a lifetime. Today was one of those days.

Yes my job is there to take care of the baby but I also need to know, to some extent, about what is going on. For example, it's important for us to know if a baby is a CYFD case or not.

This baby was supposed to get transfered somewhere else. The mother and grandmother were understandably upset. Unfortunately they were upset at us when they should have been taking it out on the court system who decided what was going to happen. Or better yet, maybe they need to be taking a look at themselves and asking themselves where they went wrong and what they can do to fix it from this point forward.

Of course there were threats thrown out. It was just rediculous. I don't understand this stuff.

Anyhow, someone along the way lost their spine and the baby did not get transfered to where the court order said to send it.

Some people think it's so great to "work with babies". I think they get the idea that it's all about feeding, burping, and cuddling. It's the exact opposite of that.

There is a good side to nursing but there is also the ugly side to nursing. These last two days have been all about the ugly side of things.

Part of nursing is being involved in the family unit, no matter if you want to get involved or not. This means that you get stuck, yes stuck, in the middle of the good, the bad, the ugly, and the absolutely apalling. There is just no way of getting around it.

I try as hard as I can to be neutral. I call it being Switzerland. I get to know what I need to know and I refuse to go digging beyond that.

I suggest everyone out there take this approach. The more you know, the deeper it gets and before you know it, you're caught up in the whole thing and you have now dug yourself a hole so deep that you can't climb out. Luckily I have learned this lesson by watching others. Sometimes you can get in so deep that it may put your license on the line.

I'm sorry but I worked HARD for my license and I continue to work extremely hard to keep it. You may think that once you get your license it's easy sailing but it isn't. The work is just begining when you get your license.

Being a nurse is about taking care of your patients but the other dirty side of nursing is about protecting what you have worked so hard for, your license. Without your license, you aren't a nurse and won't be able to practice as such. Nothing is worth putting that at risk. Let me repeat that, NOTHING is worth putting your license on the line. Especially when it comes to social issues.

Know only what you NEED to know and be Switzerland about the rest.

I also suggest NOT giving out your last name. Lucky for me, my legal name is not on my badge but still. I don't want to give ANY family ANY way to find me and either find where I live and/or try to name me in a lawsuit.

To end this all, I have to say that there is no way I would have survived these past two days if it weren't for me knowing that I had Christ by my side to lean on and to get strength and courage from.

I don't remember the last time I have prayed as hard as I did these past two days. I am so THANKFUL to have accepted Christ and to have Him in my life.

I don't know what I would have done without Him. He is my rock.

Ouch

2010-11-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ouch! I sparred so hard on Monday night that I am still sore today!!!! I didn't think I went at it that hard.

What I remember is sparring this new guy in our class that is a boxer. Apparently he thinks Tae Kwon Do still = boxing and treated it as such. I wasn't ready for that and ended up getting by butt handed to me. I actually got hit hard enough in the face that I got mad. That hasn't happened to me before that. It was an odd feeling. I don't remember if I landed any good kicks on him or not but I was using my kicks every time he tried to get in and rush me. I also remember that if he was able to get in, I was using my kicks to get him away. That being said, he's one heck of a boxer. I could learn some stuff from him.

My next go-round went better. I think I was still feeling the rush from being mad but this time I was more controlled. What I remember from this one is that it just went well all around. We got to chose our partners and the person I chose is a pretty equal match for me which is why I chose him. I finally landed a good back kick and was able to follow through with it. I was so happy about that. I've been working on that for quite some time.

One of the things they teach us is to counter a side kick with a back kick. I still have to think about it when someone throws a side at me but I'm finding I'm getting more and more comfortable with my counters.

I don't know why but I find I fight better using counters than attacking first. I like to see what the other person is going to throw at me so then I know how to react and I know their speed and how to read them. I fought like that my first few go-rounds in TKD as well and was quite successful with it. Every once in a while I'll take the offensive side if the person I'm sparring isn't doing much and then when they start throwing stuff at me, I change my game.

That being said, things are going well. Scott and I are getting ready to head to Tucson next weekend to ride the tour. I'm quite nervous about it. It's not so much the distance, 67 miles, it's just the fact that I have never ridden in such a large crowd. I sure hope I don't wreck!!!!!

I haven't been on the bike in over a week. My hamstring was bothering me after working last week so I took Saturday and Sunday off and it helped. I'm feeling 100% better now and have had zero pain, even with TKD on Monday night. I'm so happy.

I'm going to look into doing one of the turkey races on Thanksgiving this year. I'm very excited about that. I haven't run a 5k in at least two years. It should be fun.

I am off on Thanksgiving this year. I still don't know what we are going to do. I'm hoping to get together with friends again. I cooked a turkey last year and have no plans of cooking one this year.

I'm a little sad though. I haven't seen these friends in a while but I know it's a little hard right now since I've been training for Tucson and they were training for a different race. I still hope that they come down with us though. It would really suck being the only girl there.

Yesterday I was home with a headache for most of the day and what do I do? Research for NP (nurse practitioner) school and specialty. I basically ended up giving myself an even bigger headache.

It's so hard to decide what to do. I LOVE working where I work. The patient population is really awesome. I would go NNP but the thing holding me back from that is that the practitioners rotate days and nights. I'm not sure how often they rotate between the two but either way, it doesn't sound healthy. My husband suggested that I start there if that is where my heart is in a few years and then I can always go back for a post-masters certificate in FNP (family).

I don't know. I'm going to let everything sit and simmer for a while before I start bending in any one direction.

One thing that hasn't changed over the years is I still want to do cardiology.

The quest for a baby continues as well. It's been since July.

I really really want a dog. I think that would make a great Christmas present.

I'm getting random now. it's time to go.

Success!!!

2010-10-26T20:20:00.000-06:00

I FINALLY had my first successful admit today! It's about time!

Granted, it was a nice easy admit meaning that it wasn't crashing as it was coming through the doors. It just came to us for prematurity. 33 almost 34 weeks.

I was actually pretty much on my own for this admission. I had help getting an IV started and some labs drawn and that was it. There really wasn't that much to do.

I actually felt like a real nurse today! (as opposed to being a nurse with training wheels)

Goals

2010-10-19T14:55:00.000-06:00

First off, one of the hardest things about starting a blog is coming up with a title. Sometimes it comes just like that and other times I have absolutely no clue what to call it. Why does a blog really have to have a title anyway? It's not like I'm writing a chapter in a children's book. Why can't I just number them 1, 2, 3, etc like they do in regular books?

Just some food for thought.

So life is life. Work has been going well. Every day I'm learning to stand on my own two feet with more confidence. I still fall down at least several times a day but it seems I'm not falling as hard as I used to. That's a good thing.

I attempted to sleep in just a little bit this morning but my body decided it was time to wake up at 7:30. My alarm wasn't set until 8:30. I figure that if I'm awake enough to turn over, look at the alarm clock and fully register what time it is, I need to get out of bed. Which I did.

It was kind of nice. Scott was still asleep so I made myself a nice, mostly clean, breakfast of Cream of Wheat. Cream of Wheat itself is a clean food but it becomes mostly clean when you add sugar to it. Maybe more on that later.

Back on track now, I made myself some coffee and curled up in a nice comfy chair which is sitting in front of our sliding glass door and worked on my bible study before going this morning. It was just me, the cats, and the bird. Hanging out like we do. I haven't done this in a long time.

I think I am paying for it a little right now though. I was really wanting to go to the gym today but I'm so tired that if I went right now, I wouldn't get the workout that I want. Instead, I will rest this afternoon and attempt to go tonight after the husband goes to school. The downside is that the gym will be more busy but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Haha!

The Day of the Tread is coming up quickly. I'm so excited about it! I'm also excited that even though I haven't run much this year, I still have a nice fall goal to look forward to. I don't know what I would do if I didn't set any sort of goal for myself. Goals are what keep us going and growing as human beings. If we just stop at the bar and don't raise it, where is the incentive to become a better person, to grow and expand our wings? There isn't any. It all has to come from us and those around us who may realize things in us that we don't see.

That being said, I feel I've grown a lot in these past few months in goals that I have made. Even though I haven't cycled like I would like to, I feel my bike handling skills have improved greatly and I'm feeling very good about that. I have been struggling with Tae Kwon Do this past month and last night it seemed that something clicked and I "got it". We also did a lot of kicks between our patterns. Our instructor told us we would probably be sore the next day from it. I'm not sore one bit! All this time I have put into training, both in and out of the gym, is starting to pay off in ways I didn't realize it would so soon. The pattern I've been lamenting about, Won-Hyo, is finally becoming second nature to me because I've practiced it so much. Last but not least, when I did my warmups last night before class, I was able to do 15 regular (not on my knees since they aren't allowed) pushups in a row! Wohoo!!!!

I guess all those pushups I do in the bathroom at work, plus weight lifting is starting to pay off. At least two out of three days that I work, I make a goal of doing 10 regular pushups every time I go to use the bathroom which turns into anywhere from 30-50 pushups in one day. I still don't feel like I could mention that I do this to my coworkers though. I think they would look at me like I had three eyes and a missing limb or something. I mean, who really works out at work? I don't know if they would fully understand my drive and determination to be the best I can be and to give all I have to everything I do.

Am I so strange to be so dedicated to something I enjoy so much?

There is just something about Tae Kwon Do that really helps take my mind of all of the stresses in my life. It's that one hour, twice a week (I wish it were more) that I can absolutely let go of everything that has been bothering me and concentrate on one thing that I tend to neglect. Me. My spiritual/mental health.

I can't describe the joy I get when I land a real nice kick or punch on someone. It's so gratifying (spelling?). Every time I land a technique on someone, it's like I'm letting go of that small piece of stress that has been holding me back from being the best I can be.

I'm going to be very honest right now. I've been dealing with some anger. I'm not sure why this has come up now and I can't identify exactly what triggered it or caused it. Because of this, I need this release more than ever right now. It's amazingly helping me through this. It's helping me keep my mind together so I don't just randomly blow up on someone who doesn't deserve it. Cycling has also helped me with this. When I cycle, I forget everything as well and just focus on the now and how I feel.

Cycling makes me feel free. I can cover great distances in a reasonable amount of time and not be completely spent for the rest of the day. I can see so many different things in one ride, each bringing with it it's own set of emotions. What I most enjoy is the solitude I find even in a group. I don't feel like I have to talk to anyone if I don't want to. If I want to break away from the pack, I just do a little sprint to get ahead. If I feel like talking or just being around people, I will slow down and ride in the pace line for a while.

I feel like I'm slowly finding my equilibrium again. It hasn't been easy and the road ahead will have some bumps I'm sure. Either way, I'm not giving up.

47 miles and still smiling

2010-10-16T14:11:00.000-06:00

yep. 47 miles and I'm still smiling, and sitting, and standing. I'm ready for a nap though. I have lunch cooking now. I made a hamburger and am warming up some Athena potato wedges to go with it.

I rode with Women Riding Well this morning. It was a fantastic ride. The communication in the group is the best. I thought we would have really spread out over the distance but we didn't. On the way back several of us split off the group but for the most part they stayed together.

It was quite a big group. 19 riders in all. I think 5 did the 25 mile and the rest of us did the 47.

I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the group but for the most part the people were fantastic and really nice. I did feel a little put off by a few people that were riding more my pace and that sucked. I just ignored them and did my thing which happened to be the pace they were riding.

I was also a little frustrated at first. When we turned off Rio Bravo onto Isleta, it seemed we kept slowing down but I couldn't figure out for the life of me why we were slowing. We were also riding about 12mph. Finally someone was able to break off and those of us who wanted to go faster were able. Once we turned on Coors farther south I was able to break away from the group about halfway through the distance on that road. That was nice. Once we hit Los Lunas we slowed down again. Why, I have no clue.

The way back home was the best part of it. We were off the bikes for quite a while in Los Lunas because someone wrecked and got some road rash and needed to be patched up before we took off. Since we had stopped so long, I had a major cramp going on in my right hip flexor so I stayed with the group for a few miles until that loosened up again and then I took off to our next meet up place. That was fantastic. I was doing 18-20mph and it felt so good!

We regrouped at a gas station and I ended up behind someone who was not so skilled at communication about things in the road. It started off with her pointing to things on the right side with her left hand. I could hardly see what she was trying to tell me. The only reason I knew she was trying to signal was because I would see the shift in her shoulders. Finally she started pointing to things on her right with her right hand. By that point I was more watching the person in front of her than her though.

One point really got my blood boiling though. There was a huge piece of wood in the middle of the shoulder we were all riding on and I couldn't see the person in front of her and she didn't signal that there was something there so I ran right over this huge piece of wood and damn near wrecked. After that I waited for a clear spot and I passed that little group. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't feel safe.

Once I broke away from that small pack, about 3 of us, the rest of the ride home was benign.

I'm still a little fumed about the lack of signaling on the way home but other than that, the ride went without incident.

At the end of the ride I was asked to join the group. I thought that was nice.

I don't know. It was a GREAT experience and I had an overall excellent time and met some really nice people but I didn't walk away with that warm fuzzy feeling I had hoped for.

I think I will join anyway and see how it goes. Every ride is different and each week different people show up so I'm taking that into strong consideration because the first time I rode with the group we did the crest ride and I walked away with that warm fuzzy feeling for sure. That was a lot shorter ride.

Another thing that got me was when I was in part of the lead pack. We all regrouped again at another gas station and were talking about our strategy for getting back on the path from Rio Bravo. They were talking about cutting across traffic to get back and I piped up that there was a much much safer way of getting there. I really got some cold looks over that. We all ended up going the safe way but it was just odd. I felt totally put off but whatever. Luckily one of the guys that rode with us today (guys were invited today) also knew the way I was talking about so that helped as well. The conversation ended with "well we will all do our thing".

What was funny is that I ended up riding with the person who said that at the end and it was OK. She was talking to me so who knows.

It's always interesting when you get a group of women together.

The main ride people were really nice though and that is what counts.

:(

2010-10-11T09:55:00.000-06:00

Balloon Fiesta came and went this year. I'm bummed. We only got to go one night for a balloon glow and it got canceled due to a storm. At least we still got to see fireworks. I did get my pins and my program. I still need to pull out my hat and put my pins on.

I guess I'm just bummed that I didn't get to go more. Usually we go to an ascent and a glow. I did get to see the ascents from far away though so I didn't totally miss out on it all. Then yesterday at work some of the balloons went right by us so I got to watch them out the window.

I took care of a kid yesterday with a really really young dad. It was tough. I didn't agree with the whole thing between mom and dad. I just didn't get it. None of it made any sense whatsoever. So while they were there, I bit my tounge pretty much the whole time.

There are so many situations like that out there that it makes me so sad. There is an older adult male that has rationalized having sex with a teenager because he claims he is a born again christian. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

What is wrong with these people? I'm not going to say any more here but I can tell you that it gets much much worse than that.

What is it that makes these people so sick like that? What went wrong in their childhood to make them think that stuff like this is OK?

UGH!

Report was kind of interesting yesterday. I had the longest report on two very easy kids and to be honest, I got a lot of what I didn't need to know and not enough of what I needed to know. I'm not a fan of report like that. I really wonder if the person I was getting report from was just riding the clock and using a long report as an excuse to get some doubletime (anything past 7:30 is double time for us). Some people will do that. Really if you are only getting 15 or 30 minutes of overtime, it makes no difference on your check at all. Pennies at most. Then it makes management mad.

The tae kwon do tournament is on Saturday. I just realized last night that I haven't practiced any of the breaks I signed up to do. I signed up to do all 4 events, sparring, patterns, power breaking, and technique breaking. I could really use the practice on my technique breaking and patterns. I don't know why but I'm nervous about this.

I need a massage.

One of these days.............

2010-10-07T21:07:00.000-06:00

I have now been 2nd admit for two days in a row and of course, I get something both days. Today sucked in a special way though.

I got a kiddo from L&D. I knew it was preterm. What none of us were prepared for was the respiratory distress that ensued as soon as the kid got on the unit.

I've seen retrations before. They are more common on our unit so I'm quite familiar with them. What I had never seen before today were retractions that were going what looked like an inch deep below the ribs! My eyes just popped out of my head! Unbelievable.

So needless to say the kid was intubated. There were hardly any breath sounds on either side. We all thought the kid had a pneumo. Thank goodness that wasn't it. The RT's gave it surfactant and that seemed to make things better.

Anyhow, I can't remember how many admissions I've had since I've been off of orientation and this one sticks out just because it is the first really sick kid I've gotten.

While I feel like I knew what to do, once your routine gets messed up by, say an intubation and line placement, it really throws a person off. There were little things that needed to be done, that I knew needed to be done but had to be reminded to do because my routine was screwed up. Whoever said we are creatures of habit hit the nail right on the head with that one!

Luckily I had a lot of help around me and a good crew of people to ask them my many questions that I had. If it weren't for them I would have been so lost.

I'm still waiting to have a day that I go into work where I don't feel like I"ve messed something up or could have done something better.

We had to give some sedation drugs and all of our doses are xmg(ormcg)/kg.

I'm amazed at how quickly the seasoned nurses can come up with these doses. It's like BAM and they know while I'm still trying to figure out what in the world just happened and then about 2-3 minutes later it sinks in and I am able to figure out the doses as well.

I'm just so darn slow at things like that.

I'm still waiting for the day that I will be able to just pull things out like that. I'm also still waiting for the day that I come in AND leave work confident in the work that I did that day and my own ability.

Everyone says that this feeling I'm having lasts for about a year. Well, if orientation doesn't count, I have about 11 months to go.

Most days I wonder how I'll ever survive this time. I pray that it goes quickly and that things will click one day. I pray every day for the strength just to make it through the day with my dignity intact. I pray every day for God to work through my hands and to have His will be done.

One of these days...............................................

I will be a confident and competant nurse.

Clean Eating

2010-10-05T21:26:00.000-06:00

I made my first attempt today at eating clean. I've been reading about it for quite some time. I just recently bought the Eat Clean Diet Recharged (I also have the original).

After reading about the benefits of the clean eating lifestyle over and over again, I decided that it's time to stop reading about it and take some action.

Tonight I armed myself with my eat clean grocery list and headed out to Sunflower market. I figured if they didn't have it at Sunflower, I didn't need it.

I couldn't believe how full my cart was of fresh veggies! I spent more time in the produce section than I have in years! My cart actually looked pretty with all the color!

I got to the checkout line expecting a hefty grocery bill but much to my surprise, it was less than I usually spend at the store by about $50!

I think the benefit of shopping at Sunflower is the temptation of the well known prepackaged, nutrient void foods is taken away. They don't carry Lay's potato chips, big name ice cream or anything like that.

As I was making my lunch I realized that when I was counting calories last year with much success, a lot of what I was packing in my lunch was clean food! I would pack the occasional frozen dinner but it was at least 70% clean, high-density nutritious food.

This time around I'm focusing more on WHAT I'm eating rather than how much.

Why?

This is part of me taking back control of my health and my life. I've been thinkng lately about how much of an impact my lifestyle could be having on my lack of getting pregnant.

I already exercise in moderate amounts. My tae kwon do class is like a HIIT workout and the other workouts I do during the week such as weight lifting is of moderate steady state intensity.

Plus these past few days my diet has been absolute crap and I'm wondering if that's why I've been feeling as such.

Eating clean really is simple. Just think natural. It's not hard to cook a nutritious, natural, nonprepackaged meal. Even with prep time it takes the same amount of time, if not less time with practice, to prepare as does a prepackaged meal.

The benefit is that I will be loading up my body with the food it was made to eat and process. I'm essentially going to turn my body into the efficient food processing machine it was intended by nature to be. I don't know about you, but that thought excites me!

I've taken charge and changed my diet to a more natural and less processed yucky food one.

Are you ready to take charge and own your health through the natural nonprocessed food that our bodies were made to eat?

I double dog dare you!!!!!!!!!

Ki-yap!

Running, old friend, I missed you dearly

2010-10-03T09:12:00.000-06:00

Wow! I didn't realize how much I had missed running!

I went out for a short trail run this morning with the Sunday morning ladies group and it was so nice! This was my first run in almost 4 months. I admit that it was probably a bit ambitious to go for a foothills trail run as my first run back. I don't really care though.

It actually went much better than expected. I thought I would have walked a lot more than I did. I'd be a liar if I said it were easy. I really enjoyed it though and that is most important

Then ankles are surprisingly holding up well right now, about an hour after finishing. That makes me so happy! I had planned on going to Body Pump at the gym after the run but I am still trying to let my chest muscle heal. I think it got strained on Wednesday. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to lift some weights.

Anyhow, I didn't realize how much I had missed running and it missed me. After going on this run, I think I figured out why I've been feeling like I'm in a slump lately and running was the perfect pick-me-up happy pill I've been needing!

Now the trick with this will be to find balance. Not to sound like a chapter out of Eat, Pray, Love (which by the way, wasn't all that great IMHO) but I feel like life is about trying to find that delicate balance again and then keeping it. The most important part of this journey is going to be to stay true to myself and not get sucked into things.

I'm not sure what my plans will be with running. I'd like to run 3 days a week. I still have hopes of doing a 10k soon but think I should probably shoot for a 5k first and see how that goes. Maybe I should make a goal of running the Turkey Trot this year as long as I'm off work. That sounds good.

That's been the hard part about goal making recently. Work. It's hard for me to commit to much long term (longer than 3 weeks out) because I never know what I will be working.

The good news is that I seem to be settling into a regular schedule now. I am going to ask for just one more change and that should be it. Right now I alternate, unless I switch days with someone, Th-Fri-Sat and Tue-Wed-Fri. I'd like to switch the last part of that to Tue-Thur-Fri.

I feel like I'm slowly getting there. It's just going to take time. I'm going to have to learn some patience, which in a lot of cases is not one of my strong points.

Thanks Brigitte for letting me come out and hang with you guys!! Can't wait to do it again!

Off Balance

2010-10-02T09:24:00.000-06:00

Life is such a delicate balance and it's amazing how easily that balance can be thrown off.

Well I've decided that I'm tired of being off balance and I need to get back into my routine.

I've been saying for a while now that I am ready to get back into running but haven't. I admit it, I'm scared. I'm scared for the pain to come back again. My ankle still isn't 100% but I'm coming to terms that this just may be something I'm going to have to live with and I can't let it rule my life.

Ever since graduation (yeah I can't believe either I'm still singing the graduation blues) life has not been what it once was and I'm sick of it.

Tomorrow starts a new week, a new dawn and I'm not going to let it get away from me anymore. I'm sick of being a passenger, I want to take the wheel!

Many changes came and went and now it's time to get back to my regularly scheduled life.

Something clicked in me yesterday and made me realize that I just need to get back in control of my life because right now, I see a downward spiral coming on and I absolutely refuse to let that happen. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt and shredded it.

I'm sick of being miserable and the only person I have blame is myself.

OK. Now that's out of the way........................

Rome was not built it a day and neither was a good nurse

2010-09-26T16:43:00.000-06:00

I think the title says it all.

I just finished my second full week of being off of orientation. I learned a lot.

My first week I had two stable flip and feed kids. That was nice. Boring but nice.

This week I had one stable ventilated kid (these are my favorite kind!) and one that was still in the incubator and on Optiflow. Needless to say, I went up in acuity, but not by too much.

Day one was OK. No major changes in my kids. Day two was a roller coaster. My intubated patient got extubated and my one on the optiflow bought itself CPAP/Hudsons.

The fellow that had my intubated kid asked me a couple of times if I thought it was ready for extubation. I answered very honestly, I don't know. I really don't know. That's not a good feeling. I'm not a fan of not knowing.

So I asked the RT that was there that day what she thought and she felt the same way as I did. I was leaning toward not ready.

Then toward the end of the shift, my other kiddo started to retract. Did I catch it? No! I felt so terrible for not catching on to that. The docs ordered a chest xray and blood gas. I was looking at the kid thinking that they were going overboard with her. CXR, OK but a blood gas on someone who is not intubated and not showing major signs of respiratory distress? So I blew it off thinking it would be nothing.

I never heard back from the resident about the results of the CXR. In our unit when we don't hear back, we assume no changes and go on as such. Come to find out the next day, that the CXR was pretty whited out and the kid got a dose of Lasix because of it. They were also put on Hudsons. Finally, something I can understand and rationalize!

Day three I have the same assignment and was also first admit. Now that is scary because you NEVER know what you are going to get. You could get the baby(ies) everyone has been talking about for a few days or you could get the walk in crash c-section. You just never know.

Luckily I got a transfer from another unit so it was a best case scenario rather than a worst case.

This was a term kid who came to us because of an ABO incompatibility. Basically this baby's body was attacking it's own blood cells and rupturing them which was causing the bilirubin levels to increase very rapidly. If not treated, this is deadly

When I find out what I am getting, I start warming up my bed and getting things together such as supplies to start an IV, a bag of D10 just in case they want to hang fluids, and whatnot. The kid gets there, the bed is warm, and I'm ready.

The admission goes really well since it's a transfer. An hour later, after the kid is settled in, another nurse comes over to me and says that we probably don't need to have the radiant warmer on. This was a term kid under a TON of bili lights. As soon as she said it, it made total sense. Did I think of that before? Of course not!

I had to hang a med I've never given as well so I went to read up on that. When the med came up, it looked like some had been shaking it the whole way here. There were lots of tiny tiny bubbles in it. So I put the syringe on end to get the bubbles to the top. Apparently I missed some. I went to luch after the infustion started and luckily another nurse caught a pretty big bubble in the tubing before it got to the baby.

I've just had so many "moments" lately. I'm amazed that they keep letting me come back.

One of my saving graces is that I have a charge nurse who I work with very frequently, who has a lot of confidence in my skill and tells me this frequently. I don't know how I would go on without her support and the support of the person who precepted me the last half of my orientation. They are people put into my life by God. That's the only way I can describe them.

I also try to remind myself that all of these wonderful and knowledgable nurses I'm surrounded by didn't start out this way. They all started out in the same place that I am now. They are wonderful resources and I love being surrounded by them because it's a constant reminder that if they can, so can I.

Random and tae kwon do

2010-09-22T12:28:00.000-06:00

This will be one of my most random blogs so far. I just feel like blogging since it's been a while. Usually when I sit down to the keyboard, I already know what I'm going to write about and in which order I will put it down. Not this time! I know I need to write but about what, well I guess we will find out.

I don't remember if I've written on here since I've been on my own. I have now been on my own for one week and tomorrow, Thursday, will be the start of week 2 of being on my own. I enjoy it. It's also very different. I'm debating now if I want to try to take an admission yet. The reson behind it is because I want to do an admission on my own before I forget what I learned during orientation.

I do know for sure I would like some more acuity. So far my assignments have been easy flip-n-feeds. Of course now that I said that.........it will be interesting to see what I get tomorrow when I go in.

On Saturday, September 18, I tested in Tae Kwon Do for my green belt. It was a really awesome day! I didn't sleep well the night before thanks to caffiene. I was so exhausted when I woke up Saturday morning. It was a miracle I remembered to bring everything with me that I needed to!

There were three people testing for green belt. John, myself, and a kid from another class.

It started with Mike asking all of us (there were about 15 of us total from white belt up to where we were, yellow belt-green tip) if we were nervous. I think all of us raised our hands. He then told us to try to relax. He said that if he thought that we weren't ready, we wouldn't be there. Very true.

We started off with our forms/patterns starting from the most basic up to Do San. As everyone completed the pattern of their level, the were able to go sit off to the side. The same thing was done for our required kicks.

Our required kicks were a leading leg hook kick, vertical kick (I like this one! It's like a front snap kick, same chamber, except your target is at a 45 degree angle from you), and a jumping back piercing kick. This is the one that was causing me the most distress. I feel like I'm getting better and more confident in my jumping skills but know there is still room to improve.

I messed up a little bit on the required knowledge. I knew everything I needed to know, I just put it in the wrong order.

Another of our requirements was to reach 120 degrees on the split machine/stretcher. He wanted us to go as far as we could and I was able to go to 173 degrees! Next testing my goal is to be at 180 which is not the full splits but very close.

We also had to do the dreaded pushups, squats, and crunch test. This was the hardest part for me. We had two minutes to do each individual exercise. I rocked the squats with 74 in 2 minutes. I managed 44 full situps in 2 minutes. It's the pushups that killed me. He gave us a small dixie cup that is about 2 inches tall and we had to touch our chest down to the cup every time. Needless to say, I managed 32 or 33 pushups in the 2 minutes. My required number for all of them was 30.

So now my goals are to do 100 squats in 2 minutes, 50 situps in 2 minutes, and 40 pushups in 2 minutes. The idea is to be able to do this at the next testing time which is usually every 2-3 months.

My break kick was a jump side piercing kick and I'm so proud of how well I did on this one! Mike came up to me while I was getting tested for knowledge and told me if I wanted to try breaking 2 boards I could. My requirement was 1 board. I hadn't really thought about it before then but decided to go for it! The worst that would happen is I would go down to one board which was my requirement anyway. I figured it was worth a shot!

Mr T sets me up on the breaker and helps measure me. I got myself all set up and BAM! went for it! I ended up breaking the two boards on my first try! I was so excited about that! That was the best part of the whole testing experience for me!

During practice, I always used one board. We have rebreakable boards and I was using the brown board which I would only break about half the time. That's why I was so surprised that I broke two real wood boards with my first try!

As we finished up, we all lined up to shake all of the judges hands. The judges for our testing (colored belt testing) are all black belts in our school. Mike's was the first hand I shook and what he said to me is still in my mind. He told me that I was looking very good out there. That combined with how he said it just totally made my day! I've been working very hard, giving everything in class and still practicing at home, and to be recognized for improvement like that means a lot to me.

I'm not trying to sound egotistical here but I feel I've finally found a sport that I enjoy from the bottom of my heart and that I am successful at. It's like finally finding that perfect shoe! You know, the one that makes your legs look great, feels good on your feet, and just looks really good. It's perfect.

I know I still have a lot of work to do and lots of room to improve. I'm looking forward to seeing how far I can take this.

Cross your fingers for me. I am hopefully going to a tournament in Portales, NM the first weekend in October. I sureh hope there is competition there for me. This will be my first tournament since I was a white belt with a broken elbow!

Ki-yap!

First two days on my own.

2010-09-14T19:20:00.000-06:00

I just completed working 5 days in a row. That's about 60 hours. I'm exhausted. Don't know how I did it but I don't EVER want to do it again!

Anyhow, Sunday and Monday were my first days off of orientation. Sunday was really ackward. I'm sure my podner didn't help the situation out much but either way it sucked and I had convinced myself that I failed. I didn't break the kids and got everything done but I just felt like I didn't do as well as I could have.

I felt very lost not having my preceptor there. I felt very lonely as well. I normally work the end of the week and the begining of the week has a whole different set of regulars. I only knew a few people that were working.

When I got home that night I couldn't decide if I wanted to throw in the towel or not. I didn't feel good about what I did and how I did it. Even though nothing went wrong, I felt like everything went wrong. I can't really explain it well in words. Wish I could.

Monday went much much better. I felt more comfortable standing on my own two feet. I had a pretty good podmate who was much more friendly than the person I was with on Sunday. It was just better overall. I was even comfortable helping out my podmate with her kids when she got an admit.

Between both days though I would have to say it was successful. I'm scared to get an admission on my own but I'm getting there. I'll never know how it will go until it happens.

Yikes

2010-09-06T20:51:00.000-06:00

Yikes. Just yikes.

This is the official start of my last week on orientation. I can't believe how fast the time has gone! It feels like I just started yesterday. I still have so much to learn! My favorite quote is still "The more I learn, the less I know." I wish I could remember where I saw this at and credit the person.

Anyway, my time off these past few days has been quite productive. On Saturday I went to a yoga class. I hadn't been in quite a few years. Unfortunately it wasn't the same instructor as before but it was still a good class.

Sunday I did Body Pump at 10am followed by a 25 mile bike ride for which I felt horrible on. We stopped about halfway so I could refuel. Guess if I do that again, I'm going to bring some real food with me. Sport beans just didn't cut it that day.

Today I rested. I was supposed to go up to Santa Fe and ride with the new riding group but after yesterday's fiasco, I opted out. After yesterday's ride, my lungs felt like sandpaper and it continued until after I fell asleep. Thank you asthma.

I'm still sore today and am walking like I'm 80.

I did some stretching this morning while watching Sherlock Holmes. After the movie we went out and did errands. I got the car cleaned, we got ice cream, then went to Sam's Club and Sunflower.

Here it is at 8:30 tonight and I'm still working on dinner. I'm making spaghetti squash and ratattouie (or however you spell it). Either way it's taking FOREVER so it must taste good.

My week coming up at work is going to be insane! I take a STABLE certification on Thursday which is 10 hours and then I work Friday and Saturday, my last two days with my preceptor, and am then on my own on Sunday and Monday.

Scared doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now. I am actually quite beside myself about the whole deal. For one, working 5 days in a row is just insane when you work 12hr shifts, and two, I can't believe they are going to put me out there on my own! Me! I'm a brand spanking new nurse who has only been there 4 months and they trust me enough to put me out there on my own! The thought just makes my heart race!

A part of me knows I can do it but the other part of me doesn't want to let go of what I'm used to. It's really nice to have someone available to help you out when you back yourself into a corner. It's also super nice to have someone there who is willing and has the time to answer your questions.

Just the other day at work, I had to change out fluids which can be quite the partaking in our little world. After that, I had to re-zero the arterial line to make sure I was getting a good waveform and proper pulse and b/p readings. I knew I had to hook up a syringe without the plunger in it but for the life of me could not remember which way to turn the stopcock to get it to read right! I asked my pod partner and she told me to turn it off to baby. Well as soon as she said it, I was like "duh! that makes sense! I KNEW that! If I did it any other way, the baby would bleed to death!" I felt like such a dummy.

Then I had another dumb moment as I was changing the fluids. I had all of my lines primed up to my transducer for the art line and then I got stuck. We have these connectors that are like male/female connectors and when I got to my stuck point, I had two female connectors in my hand so I grabbed my preceptor and asked her what I did wrong in prepping the tubing. Come to find out, everything was done correctly, I was just holding the end that was supposed to go to the baby! Doh! No wonder it wasn't fitting! I had the wrong end of the transducer in my hand!!! I laughed so hard at myself!!!

I have to note that these two situations were after my preceptor was already speaking good of me. Then I go and do somethng brainless like that! Gooooooooooooo me!!!!!!!!!!!

and they think I'm ready to be on my own. ha!

2 weeks left.

2010-08-28T10:11:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I only have two weeks left of orientation! T W O W E E K S. Even when you spread it out, it's not that long. hahahahahaha!

Had a little mini-meeting yesterday with the unit educator about my orientation. My preceptor thinks I'm ready. I told her I'm scared out of my mind. They gave me the option to come off orientation early if I wanted to. I don't think I'm ready mentally.

I mean if they had just told me they were ending my orientation right then and there, I COULD do it. I have found that I am putting a lot of mental preparation into being on my own. I am having to totally psych myself up and tell myself I can do it and the resist the urge to run the other way, toward my preceptor/security blanket.

I wonder if this is what some people go through when getting married. Would this be like getting cold feet? I'm asking because I never got that feeling about my wedding.

With all of this, I have found a riding group called Women Riding Well. I went out with them last Saturday and made my first attempt at riding my bike to the crest of the Sandias. We started at the triangle which is right at the turnoff to the crest road off of 14. There is a gas station and that is where we parked.

I was a little hesitant at first because there was another lady there that seemed absolutely fixated on what kind of bikes everyone was riding, what kind of shoes everyone had, where they bought thier gear, etc. I'm not so into that. I ride for enjoyment, stress relief, and pure joy. Not for status or for showing off what gear I have or how much money I (don't) have. Later on I found out that she was a guest as well (there were about 4 or 5 of us who rode as guests that day).

I made it up just past the ski area, a little over 7 miles up. The lady who was worried about what bikes everyone was riding didn't make it up that far (I don't know where/when she turned around and I don't really care). When I got to the stop, there were two or three people already there and when I got there, it was nothing but great support, high fives, and great women. I talked to them about the group and this seems to be more the norm than the other lady.

So I think I will take the plunge and join them today. The group is not meeting because a lot of them are riding the MS 150. Next week the group is going to Santa Fe on Labor Day and doing a ride down 14 to the Madrid area. I'm excited to join them.

I am still torn though. I really miss my friends from Albuquerque Fit. Right now I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Either way, even though I am going through a huge transition in my life, I feel like things are starting to even out and fall where they need to be. I just have to remind myself to constantly listen to what God is telling me. That's hard too.

It's so easy to neglect God for me in times like this. I feel like I haven't been talking to Him as much as I used to. I really have to make myself stop and listen to Him whereas before, it was as easy as breathing. I didn't have to think about it at all. I'm also wondering if I should join a small group from my church now that life is begining to even out. I know I could really use the spiritual support. I'm going to have to look into that. I need a good solid church family. I'm sure they could have totally helped me though this rough time.

I could ramble all day but I'm going to stop here. I'm so excited at the thought of seeing my friends tonight! I can't wait! It's going to be so much fun! I'm going to see some people that I haven't seen in several months that I absolutely love like family!

Ch ch ch changes

2010-08-25T18:01:00.000-06:00

So I just finished up my continuing ed classes today and I'm happy for that! On the flip side it means I only have two more weeks on orientation before they cut the cord and let me go. I'm scared out of my mind! But this blog really isn't about that.

This blog is to get off my chest the transition from (professional) student to professional nurse.

I have so much now that I didn't have before. I also have so much less than I had before. It's give and take and so far the take part sucks ass.

My whole life is changing before my eyes and I don't know what to do. The easy answer is to roll with the waves but sometimes these waves are so huge that they take you under and you have to fight your way back to the air just to breathe.

Nursing school doesn't prepare you for this. Yes you graduate but they don't mention how your whole life can change along with it.

For me the change has been slow and then it was like I've hit a brick wall. BAM! Change is staring me right in the face just daring me to move forward. It's taunting me. It's saying to me "you know you want it. Come and get it chicken!"

I like change but at the same time I don't like it. I'm facing many scary life transitions right now and it sucks. Change just a little bit at a time is good but a lot of change all at once is destroying me.

Add on to that the fact that I will very soon be trying to swim with my head above the waves at work with being on my own.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do.

First code.

2010-08-14T11:51:00.000-06:00

So yesterday at work, I had the (not so) pleasure of being involved in my first ever code in the neonatal world.

I have to start from the beginning of my week. Thursday when I worked was my first time being first admit. What that means is that my preceptor and I were up to get the first baby admitted to our unit. We ended up getting a 24 weeker (micropreemie). While it was a critical admission, it all went very smoothly. We were super busy but that is to be expected on an admit.

Yesterday, Friday, we get this transfer from another part of the state to do a proceedure that only the hospital I work at does in our state.

This was a messy transfer. If I hadn't seen the EKG tracing on our monitor and if the baby had not been intubated, I would have thought the baby already dead. As soon as the baby came out of the transport incubator, I had to stop myself from gasping. It was just terrible. Baby was blue all over. I've seen cyanosis before but NEVER this profound.

As soon as we got the baby hooked up to the monitor, we all knew it was just a matter of time before we start coding.

We went on with our admission assessment and did what we had to do until it was time to start the code.

Even though we never wish to have this happen to us, I was at the same time amazed at how adrenaline-free the whole thing was. My preceptor put it beautifully. In the adult ICU world (where I came from) it seems that everyone is just waiting for a code to happen. People get excited and let the adrenaline take over. It's the complete opposite in the neonatal world.

We, yes myself included, were calm the whole time. There was no yelling, no running. Everyone just kept very cool and calm and collected. I knew there was a reason I was called to the neonatal world.

When the code started for the first time, I didn't even realize they had officially started. Just a few minutes before it happened, we opened the crash cart and got our meds ready. It definately wasn't what I expected. It was much better.

Since this was my first time experiencing this, my role the first two times was recorder. It was the perfect place for me to be because my job as a recorder was to watch and record everything that hapened, when it happened. The third time we coded the baby, I got to push the meds while me preceptor recorded for me.

The attending called it during our last code so we stopped, much to everyone's relief.

This was such a messy, ugly situation. When my preceptor and I were talking about it after, she told me that they haven't had a code that bad/messy in 4-5 years. I guess when it's Friday the 13th, it's really Friday the 13th!

I now also understand why we allow people at the bedside when this happens. It seems that when the family can see that we really are doing everything we can for their baby or loved one, they begin to understand really what is going on.

When I was in school and even when I was a tech, I used to cringe when the family was at the bedside when we coded a patient but now, as a nurse, I totally appreciate and encourage family to be at the bedside.

On the emotional side of things, I was devastated. Not as devastated as the family of the child was, by any means. It was very difficult for me. Even before we started to code the baby, I was having to hold back tears and just concentrate on the job at hand.

When it was finally over, I had to step out of the pod while they handed the baby to family and just let a little bit of it out. I just put myself up against the wall and let some tears start to flow.

While that whole sitation was hard, what was even harder than that was having to go back to my other two patients, whom I haven't seen in almost 4 hours at this point, and carry on like nothing happened. I had a lot of work to catch up on as far as charting goes because I had to chart on my two patients I started the day out with and then chart on my third one, the transport.

Once I finally made it out of work (only 30 minutes after shift end.....not too bad!) I got to my car and just allowed myself time to cry. I let it all out and just put my head on my steering wheel and bawled my eyes out for a good 10 minutes. Then I decided that I needed to go home so I gathered myself up again to make it home safely.

I got home and was OK until I saw my husband. He asked me what was wrong and all I could do was bawl again, in his arms. Bless his heart. I don't know what I would do without him. I have my own way of dealing with things and he let me deal how I needed to all while being available for me to talk to but not in my way.

I can also now see why so many new nurses quit the job within the first year. If you go into nursing thinking it's all going to be passing meds and wiping butts, you are wrong! Nursing is so much more than that. Immensely more than that. Nursing is treating the whole person, and in more cases than not, the whole family.

The thought did cross my mind about throwing in the towel. It crossed only briefly before I told myself that is the wrong answer. I got into this job because of my love of people, medicine, and (w)holistic healing.

This was the dirty side of nursing. We deal with life and death all day every day we are at work, especially in the critical care areas. We are the eyes and ears for the doctors since we are at the bedside a lot more than they are. We are NOT the doctors handmaidens. We ARE the doctors TEAMMATES.

I've said this many times. As nurses, we have the ability to see humanity in it's lowest and hardest times. It's worst. But we all love what we do and come back for more.

It's amazing the impact we can have on a human life. I absolutely LOVE what I do and couldn't imagine doing anything different. My heart is in nursing and that is where I am going to stay.

While I'm ever so thankful to have this day off, if I did have to work today, I would have gone in with a smile because today is a new day. It's a new opportunity to help these young lives go on. Today will never be yesterday or tomorrow. It's all about now and being the best we can be in this exact moment. Nobody knows what the future will bring and the past is the past. We learn as we go but our focus really needs to be on the NOW. For if we focus our energy on the present, this is when we are our best and ready to do our best work ever.

Too Dangerous For My Own Good

2010-07-30T20:33:00.000-06:00

I wonder some days if it is possible to know just enough to be dangerous but to not know enough to know not to do something wrong or that something has gone wrong.

I had my first 1:1 baby today and at the end of my shift, this is what I was thinking. I felt very good about how things went and how I handled all of what went on. It was a very successful day. At the end though, since my confidedence was up, that's when I started thinking.

I feel like I know just enough to be dangerous. On the flip side, I don't know enough that also makes me dangerous.

I guess you could say I am teeter totering right now on the edge and I feel like I'm dangerous.

Dangerous. There. I had to use the word one more time just because I needed the laugh.

Anyway, I feel like things are going along nicely now. I was frustrated yesterday at work because we had a really easy 3 baby assignment (normal is 2). They were basically flip em over, clean em, and feed em. A girl that went to school with me (graduated at the same time) was also working and she has taken care of several very sick kiddos and I hadn't taken care of any. So yesterday I laid the hint on really hard that I felt like I was ready to take a sick kiddo because I felt, and do still feel, like I am behind in where I should be.

I've been taking care of stable vented patients for a good month now. We had one that went south on us and was super super busy/sick but it's different when it happens during a shift than when you come on. Plus this kid wasn't on any vasoactive drips, we were just busy doing workups and whatnot on him so up to this point, I had zero experience with vasoactive drips.

I got my fill today and feel good about it. While it is different from dealing with adults on Levo, at the same time there are a lot of similarities so I actually wasn't intimidated by it at all. I had taken care of several adults on levo when I was doing my preceptorship in an adult ICU.

There are so many ethical issues that come up in an ICU setting. If you let yourself start to feel emotion, I can see how someone could easily crumble and fall into pieces.

I tend to put on my "nurse face" when I go into work to prevent that from happening. I focus on what needs to be done while giving compassionate care to my families and babies but at the end of the day, it's a job.

Yes it can be disappointing to think that we go through all of this and put the baby through all of this on just a slim chance that it may survive. If you stop to really think about it at work, it's done. Game over.

I wish I could just explain it better but it's just something that we do to be able to come back day after day and take care of these kids.

Don't get me wrong, there is a TON of good that also comes out of the unit. More good than bad. At the same time you also have to realize that we have the highest mortality rate of any other unit in the hospital so it's as good as it is bad.

Either way I love my job and plan on being there for years to come.

Good day to end a horrible week

2010-07-24T13:00:00.000-06:00

This week didn't start out too well.

Tuesday I rode my bike to work and fell over, to the right where I broke my elbow back in April, while waiting at a stop light, on the way to work. Doh! Luckily I just came out with a little road rash and some bruises on the insides of my knees where they met with my bike. Of course I was still clipped in on the right side. Again.

Wednesday-day was not too bad. I had a real hard time staying awake during my continuum classes in the afternoon. I got home on Wednesday and it was business as usual. As I was making my dinner before my tae kwon do class, my cat Squeakers comes up to me and is not looking right. He's not moving his tail at all and is having a very hard time sitting down.

I called my husband to tell him something was wrong with the cat. He got home about 20 minutes or so before I had to leave for my TKD class and we decided we were just going to watch him to make sure everything is OK.

I got home from class and he was still the same so I took a shower and got ready for bed since I was supposed to work on Thursday. We both thought everything was OK until he jumped up on the bed for our usual nighttime ritual and he barely made the jump and once he got up there, he just stopped as if he were in shock and just growled. It wasn't directed at either of us but it definately wasn't normal.

So, at 10:30 at night, we are headed to the emergency vet. Things went OK there. We finally left at about midnight. Squeak had to stay the night for observation. We thought he may have had a blockage in his urethra which is common in male cats I learned.

Needless to say, I did not go into work on Thursday. I picked him up Thursday morning. I was up bright and early because I didn't really sleep at all Thursday morning. I like to say that I pretended to sleep. I was so worried about him I was awake every hour it felt like.

During the day Squeak was very lethargic, more than I would have expected so I called our regular vet to tell them what was going on. Back to the vet we went at about 4 that afternoon. I was so exhausted as I'm sure he was too, and when we finally got into the exam room, I put him up on the table, put my head down in front of him and started to cry. Of course that is when the doc and the vet techs came.

The doc did a real comprehensive exam on him and spend probably a good 45 minutes with us. She is awesome and I really like her a lot. She was baffled but was thinking it was one of three things. Either he was blocked as originally thought, had thrown a blood clot, or has lumbo-sacral disease (degenerative arthritis in the lower back).

Turns out, we think it was a trauma to his low back/tail becasue of the quick turn around he made. He spent the day at the vet on Friday for more tests and that is how the doc came to that result.

Even with all that, this week did turn out good. My baby is OK and I had a really good day at work yesterday.

I was walking to the med room to get meds for one of my little bitties and I see the family of a kid I took care of last week and said hi to them to see how they were. The story around them is very remarkable and really touched my heart.

The mom asked me if I could primary their baby while I was talking to them. What a compliment!! I was so honored and would have jumped on it if I weren't in orientation. I explained to her that I wasn't able to because of orientation. If they are still here when I am done, I'm seriously considering taking them on, even though they don't recomend taht as a new person, we just really have a connection between us.

It's just amazing to me that they asked me to do that for their child, even knowing that I am new. It really brings together the fact that we DO make a difference when we go to work as nurses.

Sometimes we go home and feel like we don't do anything but in reality, we make a big impact on our patients and their lives, and in my case, the familys life. It's hard for us to see this because it's just another job, another day, another patient, that we are there to take care of.

I feel like I create this disconnect with most of my babies on purpose because if I didn't, I would constantly be bringing work home with me and that is not healthy. I like my job but I also love the social life that I have and don't want to mix the two too much. Because of this, I care for my babies but I don't let myself get attached.

For that reason, it's a job. It's just a job and nothing more. Most of us don't have the time to stop and think if we are really making a difference or not because of that disconnect.

When something like this happens, it brings us back into the reality of things and how we really do imact all the lives around us when we work.

Being a nurse is really an amazing thing. I can't imagine doing anything different. My heart is here and where my heart is, I am.

Nights already?!?!??!

2010-07-22T14:03:00.000-06:00

I may end up going to nights sooner than expected. I was told this on Tuesday when my classes started. I'm kind of bummed by it and also very scared. I'm really wondering how I will handle it and for a while even had a bad attitude toward it.

That got straightened out sort of. Last night we had to take our oldest cat to the vet because he was acting really odd and showing us he was in pain. I first noticed the pain about 6:30 that night. My husband got home so I left for tae kwon do thinking he was going to be OK. When I got home from class he looked good. Then we go to lay down for the night and he jumps up on me which is part of our normal routine and the poor little guy almost misses and then he stopped right when he got up and just growled which is not like him at all! Needless to say that really freaked me out so we took him to the vet ER at about 10:30 last night and got home about 12:30 or so this morning.

He stayed overnight for observation. The doc thought he may have had a blockage in his urethra so we felt it was better safe than sorry and let him do an overnight. From what I hear, he was not a happy camper. The doc described him as growly. Apparently it got so bad that they had to give him a dose of diazepam (Valium) to help him calm down. After that, the doc said that he did urinate (yay!) and he also ate and drank for them.

I picked him up this morning and I could see that he was tired. They sent him home with pain meds and gave him a dose before I got there. He's not super sleepy but he's not up walking around and playing with his "sister" like normal.

I made a follow up with his regular vet on Monday. Until then, we're just going to watch him.

So how does this realte to the night thing? Well I was up until about 1am this morning and just being up like that gave me a little confidence that I can do this. I would like to try.

I am so nervous/scared though. I've worked 2nd shift before and I did't deal with it well at all and it put me into a depression. Granted that was in a completely different stage of my life but it still had quite an effect on me.

I just want to make sure that when I go to nights that I go in with a good attitude and take care of myself just as I do working days. I plan on still biking, going to the gym, doing my tae kwon do and all that. I'm hoping to add running back into the mix as well. With all the stuff going on with the cat, I've had to put off my own doctors visit. I'm still trying to get in on Tuesday though.

I just feel like I've been bounced all around during my orientation. It makes me feel like the left handed red headed stepchild in a way and I don't like it.

I LOVE my preceptor now. She's really awesome and I've learned a lot from her already.

I just don't know.

There is so much going on right now that my brain just can't quite keep it straight. Once I get settled into orientation, I start these classes and then I find out I may go to nights two weeks sooner than planned and on top of that we are planning a family.

These are all exciting and for the most part, good changes, it's just a lot at one time.

I've signed up to go to a tae kwon do tournament in Odessa TX on July 31. I'm very excited for that as well. I did some sparring in class last night and got some compliments on it from a teammate which really means a lot to me. It also helps that I was sparing someone closer to my size instead of trying to spar someone who is twice my size and a lot taller than I am. I was only able to do one round instead of two because of my ankle.

I made sure to stop at the first sign of pain because I really don't want to mess it up before the tournament. This will be my first time sparring in a tournament and I'm very excited for it and would hate to have to sit out of it because I did something dumb in the meantime. I will also be competing in patterns. I'm working on my green belt pattern now. It's called Do-San. I am not planning on competing with this pattern but I still want to start working on it.

Needless to say I called off work today. I didn't feel I would be safe on only 4 hours sleep, especially when we are going up in acuity. I feel terrible for calling off but I feel it was the best choice to make. I will be at work tomorrow.

Update

2010-07-12T13:54:00.000-06:00

Just an update since I haven't been here in quite a while.

This last week was filled with ups and downs. It started off with the unit educator calling me into her office to have a 'talk'. So I go in after I eat lunch and she proceeds to tell me that the reason I have not been able to get a preceptor for the second half of my orientation is because people think that I come across as a "know it all"! My initial reaction was WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I told her right there that I do NOT know it all and I'm the first person to call myself on it. I've never thought nor pretended that I know it all. I then asked her if she had talked to the person who was precepting me and she never answered. Then she proceeds to tell me that she found me a preceptor and told me that this preceptor said "If she pulls that stuff with me, I'm coming straight to your office." WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!

I hate that she told me that because now I'm super leery of my new preceptor and am wondering if she will treat me badly. I'm really scared to start with my new preceptor.

I was already on the verge of tears that day because I was feeling very intimidated and also felt like I knew less when I came in than when I finished up the previous week. Then to add that on top of me already wanting to cry and the floodgates opened. I left her office and found myself promply in a bathroom on the floor crying trying to calm myself down. I was so upset!

I finally calm myself down and get some of the red out of my eyes and make it back to the unit and my preceptor noticed that something wasn't right so then I get all teary again and told her what happened and what was said. Her and I were both on the understanding that the reason they were having a hard time finding a preceptor for me was because there just wasn't enough experience on the unit. Then I told my current preceptor about what the educator said about my new preceptor and my current preceptor couldn't believe it. She precepted her and told me that she was absolutely wonderful. She tried as hard as she could to ease me and reassure me.

After this, I find out that our educator has a reputation for lacking in social skills and tact. Ugh! Too bad I had to learn that one the hard way.

That was all one day.

The next two days went really well. On my last day this week, I was basically left to my own and I feel like I did really well with my patients. I got all my cares done on time along with giving all my meds and getting all my labs done on time. A complete first for me. I was so excited! I hope I can keep up with it! I also went and helped out a couple other people as well. I felt very successful.

It's wierd how I can have the worst week possible and turn it into the best week so far. I'm just so glad that my first day didn't ruin my whole week.

On a non work related note, I got a new bike this week. I actually picked it out last week but wasn't able to pick it up until this week because the bike was going on sale and I wanted to get the sale price so my husband went an picked it up for me so I could ride it on my day off. Yay!

We rode yesterday and I really enjoyed it. I started out slow just to get used to the bike and when we finished, I was holding a much better pace than I had on the old bike. I felt really good about that. Hopefully we will go out for a ride tomorrow morning. Can't wait! I finally feel like I won't be holding the group back.

On Wednesday I tested in Tae Kwon Do. I went from white belt to yellow belt, green stripe! I skipped three belts to get to where I left off the first time and then I found out there is going to be another testing coming up "soon" which I'm taking to mean in less than three months which is the normal testing interval so I may move up to green belt before I know it! I'm so excited!

I can't wait to go to class and not be one of the lowest ranking people there! We got some brand new people last week, two I think, so there will be some white and yellow belt (no green stripe) below me. Woot!!

I have to wait a week or two to get my belt so in the meantime, I go to class without my belt which will be odd. I'm still super excite though!

What a day.

2010-07-02T10:29:00.000-06:00

So yesterday turned out to be quite interesting.

I feel like I totally messed up. There were some antibiotics due at 1 along with a dose of caffiene and then another dose of a different antibiotic due an hour later. Well here it is 2:30 in the afternoon and I have yet to hang any of the antibiotics (first one was due at 1).

So I get back from lunch and was talking to the doc about what she was going to order for the kiddo and she mentions she is going to order a vanc (anitbiotic) lab and then I have my oh crud moment and realize I have yet to hang them when they should have been finishing up at the time I was talking to the doc.

I felt so down on myself and was so mad at myself that it took me a while to figure out what to do. I can't believe I missed that!

I was so on top of it with my other kiddo! I was so proud of myself that I got a fluid change done immediately and was just totally on top of it.

So after all this happens and get my first dose of antibiotics in, it was time to retape the kiddo's ET tube (breathing tube that is used when someone is on the vent). We had mentioned to the RT that morning that it needed retaped because it was all gunky and gooey. Not really a good thing but it happens and is normal.

RT comes over to retape and my preceptor and I were both by the bedside because the main RT person was being so rough with the kiddo that he kept bradying down and desating. A brady is not a good thing because it means that the heart is slowing down. In his case it was slowing down because a reflex called the vaso-vagal response was being triggered which happens. What is not supposed to happen is to let the kid go like this for 3-4 minutes! My preceptor and I were both at the bedside telling the RT that things are not going well and we need to change something. It got so bad that we grabbed the bag to bag the baby but RT wasn't budging. The oxygen sat dropped to 45% (normal is 85-95 for our kiddos) and I saw it go even as low as 34% and RT wasn't budging. I was beyond pissed!!!!!

Luckily the kid didn't code or go too too bad during the procedure but what happened should not have happened. He obviously wasn't handling it well and needed some breaks but RT just wasn't seeing it. The care they gave was very dangerous and did cause actual patient harm.

The baseline of the FiO2 (percent of oxygen the vent delivers) for this kid was 25%. To give you an idea of how awesome that is, room air is 21%. Needless to say the kiddo was doing fantastic and was on his way to being extubated. Until this.

We had to turn the FiO2 up to 100% during the procedure just to get the sats back in the 60's. When the procedure was over and he was retaped, we were able to bring the vent down to 85% but if you remember, his baseline was 25%. This is something that is NOT normal and should not have happened.

Because we were still having problems keeping the kids sats up, we suctioned him because we figured secretions got mobilized during the tape change. When we suctioned him, we got frank blood out of his lungs due to the trauma that was caused because the RT used excessive force on this kiddo.

So there was obvious harm done to the patient.

We got a STAT chest xray to make sure the tube was still in the right place and that it hadn't slipped lower. We got the results back and the tube needed to be retaped because it was in the wrong position. So my preceptor goes to the RT who did the first retaping and told her that the tube needed to be retaped because it was not in the right position. This RT says flat out that she is not going to do it.

The docs all knew what was going on because as soon as we saw the frank blood coming out of his lungs we paged them. We also had a very difficult time calming the kid down after the procedure. We contained the kid withour hands for a good 30 mintues after the procedure and still nothing. While the doctor was there we also asked if we could give him a bolus of morphine to help him calm down because he was in obvious pain and discomfort.

It was just such a mess and I was so upset by the whole situation that I couldn't manage to write it down yesterday. I had to wait to calm down.

Other than that incident, my job is going very very well.

This was my best week overall where I felt like more things are starting to fall into place. I feel like I'm standing more on my own two feet and have started to take the initiative in the care of my patients. I'm not afraid to page doctors and ask them questions. I'm not afraid to speak up during rounds if something comes up that I think needs to be addressed. I'm talking to families and updating them with more ease and I'm giving report much better and more on my own.

I stll have so much to learn but things seemed to come along quite nicely. I'm hoping after my nice stretch off (am off for 6 days in a row!!!! yeah!!) more things will start to fall into place.

Oh yeah! I forgot to mention that I also got my first successful IV start yesterday (this is why I missed my meds when they needed to be given)! I just started trying for IV's the day before so I have not had much experience with doing this on premature babies. One came up on a baby that wasn't ours but the nurse who had this kid came over and asked us if we wanted to try. Of course I jumped right on it! I actually got it on my first stick on the kid but the catheter kinked so we pulled it out and tried the foot. I got the foot on the fist stick as well. I still need to learn how to tape but I got the hardest part down on my third stick overall (I tried twice the day before).

I'm just so glad that things are clicking and I'm feeling more comfortable standing on my own two feet.

Still processing

2010-06-22T21:25:00.000-06:00

Wow! This week has been crazy for me!

Yesterday at work I got to help with an admission and then we got several other admissions that I helped out with when I could. I got to see umbilical lines being placed as well. I was just all over the place.

Today I took care of my first two vented kiddos. It was interesting. Just when I thought I was getting better with my time management, something changes. Which is good because this is how I will grow as a nurse. It's just hard because every time a change comes about like this, I take a huge dip in my confidence. So needless to say, I'm not feeling so good right now.

I always wonder when and if I will get to the point of being able to take care of my patients confidently. It just seems so insurmountable (sp?) at this time. I can't imagine it.

The one thing with adults is that I was so comfortable there. I knew what needed to be done for the common situations and had no problem going in and doing what I needed to do. It's just so different with the newborns. Please don't take this the wrong way, I LOVE what I do with the little ones. It's much more satisfying than working with adults. It's just different. The things you do to adults you just can't do with the little ones.

I think I'm just going through my adjustment period which means I'm typically uncomfortable in about every situation right now.

I did have a totally awesome moment today. When the docs were rounding on my babies, the head resident person came and got me because I didn't see them walk in. I really like the docs, NP's, and PA's that work there. I have yet to run into one that reminds me of some of the docs I worked with in the adult area.

The whole feel is just so much more inviting and relaxed with the little ones. The people are just amazing overall.

I got to see my first ever bedside surgery. I thought that was pretty amazing. It was like they basically took the OR to the pod where the little one was at. It all happened in the same pod that I was in. Unfortunately I missed it when they opened the kid up and all the good stuff happened but I was there for the end when they were sewing it up and then decided that the surgery was fruitless and the parents had to make a hard decision.

This leads into my first death. I got to experience the death of an infant for the first time today. I'm so thankful that it wasn't one I was taking care of because I think I would have totally lost it in a bad way. I was there when they pulled support and I was there when they brought the baby out to a special room and then back in. After that, I was there for almost all of the postmortem care. I'm also very thankful that I am having this experience while on orientation and not when I am out on my own. I know I would have the support of my coworkers but it's just nice to know I have someone to fall back on and discuss things with.

I think I'm finally getting a handle on report and how that will go. I think it's getting a little bit better and I'm feeling more comfortable with all the calculations involved.

I just feel like I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off these past two days there has been so much happening. I feel like I'm getting to experience a lot while on orientation which is such a good thing.

I was a little down on myself at the end of the shift today because I felt like I didn't do much. My preceptor reassured me that I actually did do a lot today. We did have parents that are absolutely fantastic with their kids. I love seeing parents so involved in the care of their children and that are as loving as these parents are. But it's twofold. This mom was so on top of the care that I felt like I couldn't do anything else. She totally exhausted me when I really shouldn't have been that exhausted with the status of these two kiddos.

All in all it's been a super busy two days filled with new experiences. I just hope I survive the last 6 weeks of my orientation.

Lots of firsts today

2010-06-17T20:33:00.000-06:00

I had a lot of firsts today. Three, just to put a number to it.

First, I got to drop my first OG tube on a baby. It was so much easier than trying to do that on an adult! I got it on my first try with no problems! Yay!!!

Second, I got to bag a baby for the first time as well. It wasn't for a bad reason. Baby was on CPAP/Hudson's and RT came to change the tape and while they were changing the tape, I was holding the bag to the baby to make sure they were getting enough PEEP and hence, enough oxygen.

The third, and most exciting first was going to a delivery as a NICU nurse. It was a c-section. NICU nurses where I work attend all sections so I hit up the flex nurse this morning and asked her if I could go to a deliver with her since she had the pager and we got one at about 4 this afternoon.

It was hard in the sense that I wanted to watch the section since I had never gotten to see one before and at the same time, I wanted to be involved in my half of it.

It all happened really fast but I felt like I had a good handle on what was going on. Luckily the baby was just fine. It was HUGE! A 41 weeker who had had brady's during labor.

I couldn't believe the size of this kid! I'm so used to looking at anywhere from 28-34 weekers who are a lot more tiny than term babies. This kid looked like the jolly green giant of babies to me since my view on babies is only slightly skewed. :)

All in all it was a good day.

I was a complete dingbat in some things thanks to having taken the NCLEX yesterday and still being nervous about it but other than that, it was awesome!

Next week I will take care of a baby on the ventilator. I say...........bring it! I'm ready!

Test is done

2010-06-16T21:47:00.000-06:00

So the evil test from hell is over. Now I'm just praying to God that I pass. I truly don't know. It stopped at 76 questions and I feel very confident in saying I got the answer right.

I cannot believe all the "pick all that apply" questions that I got! That and prioritization! If anything, those questions made up a good 75% of my test. Every time I got one I would say to myself "Oh man! Again?!?!?!?!?! Why me?!?!?!?!"

What happened to the select one answer questions?

I didn't get any picture or sound questions but that's not to say they aren't out there.

When I got out I just wanted to cry and I still do! I'm not the type of person to get test anxiety. Either I know it by then or I don't and there's nothing else I can do so I just do it. This test on the other hand, killed me!

When the first question popped up I freaked. I didn't know the answer and had to start using the strategies that I was taught. After that first question, I had to stop and make myself take 6 very deep belly breaths before I even read the second question.

It seemed that about ever 25 questions I had to put my eyes down and take some nice deep cleansing breaths. It worked. I was able to focus a little better after that.

Then in the middle of the test, the lady who was proctoring us, started to talk to the secretary person and could be heard through the glass. Needless to say, the ear plugs I used didn't work so I put on the headphones that were there for us to use to try and drown out the noise. It was like that for the rest of the test. I thought my blood pressure was high and my pulse was racing before but that got it going even more! I was hoping when I took the survey at the end of the test that i would have the opportunity to express my annoyance. It got so bad at one point that I turned around and looked the proctor straight in the eyes with my annoyed SERIOUSLY SHUT UP look.

Then I hit question 75 and totally held my breath just waiting for the screen to shut off and it didn't. Freak out moment number-i-forgot-already-because-there-have-been-so-many-already. Argh!

So I had to put my eyes down and take a lot of deep breaths before I went on. It took me a couple of minutes before I would even look at the screen to read the question.

Not to mention that I was messing with my ear plugs during the whole test because they fit in one ear but not in the other so I was alternating covering my ears with my hands while reading the question and then wash, rinse, repeat for the next question.

At that point, with the talking and the ear plugs just not cutting it, I started to get antsy and shifting positions in my seat every 5 or so questions. If I thought I could have gotten away with it, I would have stood up for a few questions. I didn't want to get kicked out of the test though.

On the upside the testing center was not this dank, dark dungeon that I had expected based off of other's reports. It was very nice and actually quite comfortable. The desks were definately big enough so I had space to move and not worry about running into my neighbor.

I also scored probably the most awesome desk possible! I was in a corner with only one person to my left and a wall to my right and the next desk starting to my back so, other than talking (which is a big pet peeve of mine...i need quite to concentrate), my next biggest pet peeve, which is people moving next to me where I can see them, wasn't an issue. That will get me more than people talking. I've gotten to the point where I can drown out other voices (thank you nursing school!!!) but if someone starts moving, I can't help but watch them and get distracted by them getting up or moving around. The ADD totally kicks in and suddenly I'm much more interested in them than the task at hand.

That is one of the reasons that I always sat near the front of class as well. To reduce distractions since I know how I am.

Well I know sleep will probably not happen tonight but I at least need to relax so I'm going to start doing that now and then pray to God that I pass and get some sleep since I'm working the next two days (which is also a blessing.)

Day one in NICU

2010-06-14T20:18:00.002-06:00

I survived my first day in the NICU. I took on a full assignment on my first day which is 2 little kiddos.

It all started out great. I learned a lot and still have a TON to learn but I'll get there someday.

So about 2 hours into the shift my preceptor goes on break and I hang out to chart my assessments. Maybe 5 minutes after she steps off the floor for her break, a code alarm goes off. Not on either of our babies, thank goodness. It still really scared me a lot. Luckily it was a false alarm and the nurse who called it had it under control before I even got to the room she was in (it was that fast). It still really freaked me out though. That is my biggest fear, a code and not knowing what to do. Luckily my preceptor really eased some of my fears by telling me what I already know. When a code happens, since I'm the new kid on the block, people aren't going to expect me to know what to do. Then we went over bagging and she said that would be a good job for me to do if it comes up as well as being a recorder (not both at the same time though!).

Now that I was really awake after that, the day went pretty good. I felt like I did pretty OK with these two considering I have never taken care of a baby on TPN and on high flow oxygen.

One thing that kept coming up in the morning is that I forgot to weigh the diapers! I did it twice before it finally stuck in my mind. I also kept forgeting to put the cotton balls in the diaper. That is how we get a urine sample to do a urinalysis which is done once a shift. I kept laughing at myself for forgetting to do that. Hopefully now I have it down as routine.

I got to give report as well. I feel like I totally fell on my face on that one but I made it through and learned how it all goes down.

All in all I'd say it was a very successful day.

Being a nurse should be a mental diagnosis of it's own

2010-06-13T11:06:00.000-06:00

Don't you think?

I, for the life of me, cannot figure out why we subject ourselves to the things we do and then keep coming back, day after day, with a smile on our faces and ready to go again.

I've see things that most normal people would never dream of seeing, I've been involved in some of the saddest cases. I've been there when lifesaving measures are being stopped to let a person pass from this world to the next. I've been there to see a baby taken away from mom by CYFD because she is incompetent to take care of the child. I've sat and watched someone bleed out and die because they refused a blood transfusion and not shed a tear. I've watched a young mother die 4 months after giving birth due to a freak abnormality. I've watched our old generation be coded again and again because the family "just can't let go yet" even though the only thing keeping the patient alive is the medicine we're giving him and the breathing we're doing for them.

I've also been there to see the miracle of a new life being brought into the world. I've been there to see people come back from near death to walking the halls with therapy, ready to go home. I have seen someone code and then at the end of the shift be alert, oriented and cracking jokes. I also have had the privalege to watch parents take their baby home who was born way too early and is now a healthy, happy, baby. I've been there to see the will to live pull someone through the worst of situations.

This is why I think it is a mental disorder. If you noticed, the paragraph on the bizzare and bad things I've seen is a lot bigger than than the positive and I haven't even scratched the surface of everything I've been exposed to so far.

I wonder every day I go into work, why I do this. What draws me to this job that, from the outside, can seem so horrible and inhumane?

For one, it's the support of my fellow nurses. I work with the greatest bunch of people you could ever meet. When something is going wrong or someone is involved in a situation that is not good, even if we all don't get along we still all come together to support each other through these rough times.

Another reason I keep coming to work is that every day I come in is a new day for a new miracle. It's a new opportunity to advocate for my patients and to do what is right by them even in the face of adversity. No one day is the same and there is always something new to learn either about your patient, the nursing profession, or about yourself.

I can understand why a lot of new nurses with no other health care experience drop out in their first year but if you have the resiliance and the ability to see the good in all things you do even in the face of evil, I believe you can be one very successful nurse.

I can't stress enough the importance of building up your support system either. Your support system is a network of people that you know you can rely on in tough times. They can be your fellow nurses, family, friends, whomever you want it to be. For me it is my family, friends, coworkers, and my faith in God who help me out more than they realize.

Another thing to keep in mind is that in the begining, the rough stuff is hard. It sucks and you just want to go home and cry. We all do and it's totally normal. After a while, you get used to seeing some of the rough stuff and you just put on the big nurse panties and do your job because you know you have to do it and even if it seems insignificant and menial, you really do have an impact on your patients care and more importantly, their lives.

We as nurses have our patients lives in our hands and that is nothing to take lightly.

We carry the burden on our shoulders but yet still manage to smile and walk lightly and brightly. We are the light in a dark dark world.

There are only a select few in this world who are equipped to do this job. For some, like me, it's a calling from above that can't be ignored. Others are filled with a curiosity and wonderment that can only be satisfied by learning about the miracle of the human body that is taught in nursing. There is also the adrenaline junky who likes the high stress stuff like being invovled in trauma.

It really narrows down to this though. You know you are one of the chosen if your medical record says "Mental dx: Nurse who loves her job".

Woah

2010-06-10T20:51:00.000-06:00

That pretty much sums up the day.

Today was my first day with 3 patients, one of whom we had to transfer back to the NBICU for a blood transfusion.

If you would have asked me at 10 this morning which way was up, down, right, or left, I could not have answered. I was so lost it was unbelieveable.

What's funny is that I was talking to my preceptor about today and she was surprised that I was feeling the way I was. She told me that from the outside it seemed that I had it all together. Boy did I have her fooled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I still managed to get the job done in a somewhat timely manner but I was still all over the place. I literally went from one baby, to the next, to the next, and then back to the start for a med I missed (the ABX were about an hour late....oops!)

I was busy enough I didn't get a chance to go eat lunch until almost 3 in the afternoon. Luckily I took a late early break and had a decent snack to tide me over but even still! My tummy was rumbling like mad!

Today was also the day for poo and pee.

This is funny, at the end of my shift I'm checking on one of my little kiddos because he started to desat on me so I went to stimulate him. He made a funny face at me and I looked at him and asked him point blank if he was working on a "surprise" for me and as soon as I say it, the kid farts a nice juicy one. This is also the same kiddo who tried his hardest to pee on me during a set of cares.

Then my other one was having bowel movements that were bigger than her head every half hour it seemed like. She was another noisy one as well. There was no guessing about what was going on in her diaper when she was doing her business!

Then there was the one who went back to ICU for a blood transfusion. It wasn't a bad transfer because we normally could have done it ourselves but we were so swamped we couldn't do it safely so we sent the kiddo to ICU where we knew it would be done safely with the proper supervision.

Also had my first CYFD case today. What a mess! This poor kid is already behind the 8 ball and it's not even a month old! Got phone calls from family about this little one and all I can say is WOW! Just wow. These people are certifiable.

So all of this on about 4.5-5 hours of sleep and I'm back at it for the next two days. Then I am off a day and go back and start in the NBICU.

While I feel ready, I'm still a little (Ok, a lot) scared. I have so much to learn and I wonder if I will ever be a competent nurse.

Please keep the prayers coming! I could really use them right now.

First week

2010-06-07T15:07:00.000-06:00

So I'm a few days late in posting about my first week but I needed the time to decompress and store everything I've learned.

I'm amazed at how much I do actually know about what I'm doing. I'm nowhere near proficient because there is still a lot I don't know but as far as the basics go, it seems that I am there.

It's true what they tell you in nursing school......that you don't know what you know. I thought it was crap when they kept telling us but now I realize that it's the complete truth.

Dealing with the itty-bitties was always my weakest area in school but now it's all coming together. I'm slowly learning about positioning and different aids that we have to help normal development. I've learned about breast pumps and a little about breastfeeding and pumping.

Every day I'm getting more and more comfortable dealing with the little guys. For the most part my confidence is increasing every day although I did have one day, it was super busy and it seemed that the kiddos just cried and cried all day. I was ready to pull my hair out because there was so much going on and I felt like I didn't know a whole lot at all but luckily the next day was much much better and I learned a lot from the previous day.

So day one starts out with me just shadowing and getting a feel for the unit and then I take on one little bugger all by myself. On day two, the hectic crazy day, I was going to take two little ones but it was so crazy that I had my one little dude and helped everyone else out.

Day three was when I had my own two patient assignment and I thought it went very well. The morning was a little rough because one little one was hungry, crying, and just overall crabby so I got as much of an assessment done on him as I could, fed him, and then finished my assessment when his tummy was full and he was sleepy. :) Then it was on to baby #2, assess, cares, feed.

I was finally able to chart everything at about 9:30 that morning. Later than I would have preferred but it seems to be the norm so I am going to have to get used to it.

I'm also getting more comfortable talking to the parents. I still have to ask for help when things come up that I don't know the answer to but the more I do it, the sooner I will learn. I think next week my goal is to take on 3 babies by the end of the week. I'm hoping to take only 2 when I come back and then maybe 3 the last two days.

I can't believe I only have 3 more shifts in the step down unit until I go to ICU! While I'm very very excited to be moving on, I'm quite sad because I really like me preceptor and coworkers a lot. I really want to keep in touch so I'm going to do my best to make it a point to say hi to them whenever I can. I hope the people in the ICU part are as awesome as in the ICN! If so, I'm totally going to love this!

I worked three days in a row and usually when I did that, on the 4th day, it was all I could do to pick myself up off the couch and eat or whatever but this wasn't the case. Yes, I slept a lot on Saturday night, almost 11 hours! I was completely exhausted but it was more mental than physical.

Looking back, it's no wonder I had such a hard time on my fist day off after 3 in a row as a tech. I was mentally and (more often than not) physically tired.

I really like where I work. I like to say it's the best kept secret in the hospital!!! The patients are itty bitty and it's fairly easy to calm them down. Just cluster your cares so you change them, feed them, and then put them back down to sleep and let them be for 3 hours before you do it all over again. Every once in a while you'll get a gassy kid who will cry and cry no matter what. Most of the time, if you put them on their tummies, rub their backs or tummies, or just reposition or hold them, they are OK. Every once in a while we need to give some simethicone or some Prevacid but not that often.

Most of these little guys have very few meds. Most common are multi vitamins, folic acid (for anemia), vitamin E (also for anemia), iron, simethicone, and maybe some Desitin ordered PRN.

I like that and think that this experience in the step down unit has been so valuable and will definately carry over to the NBICU part.

Day One

2010-06-03T20:37:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I survived my first day as a nurse! It's crazy! I was really nervous when I came in today because I had no clue what to expect but everything went better than I could have imagined!

My original preceptor got floated over to NBICU so I got a different person today and she was WONDERFUL!!! I couldn't have asked for a better person to work with! She made me feel instantly comfortable and welcome. She was so open and willing to answer my questions. I wish she would precept me for the rest of my time.

I started off just observing today to try to get a feel for how things go. We had 3 babies in the ICN (intermediate care nursery) which didn't sound too bad and it really wasn't. One went home so we were left with two and ended up splitting the assignment so I actually took care of one baby by myself on my first day! I can't believe it! I guess I really am the nurse now!

The baby I took care of was having some temperature regulation problems. It is only 31 weeks old and had just come out of an incubator the day before. We came in and did our morning assessment and got the baby's temp and it was pretty low. We watched the baby for a few hours, until the next feed when vitals were due (we did vitals on this baby q3h with the bolus feeds). When the temp dropped a further at the second assessment, we transfered him from an open crib to an incubator. I have never delt with an incubator before but really, it was quite easy. A lot less scary than I thought it would be.

So I watched the baby's temp closely for the next few hours, adjusting the temp of the incubator as needed (I'm so proud that I did this on my own and used my own judgement!) and finally, after about 4 hours of being in the incubator, the little kiddo warmed up and I could turn the temp down a little. Yay!

The only med that the baby had wasn't due until 9 tonight so I didn't have to worry about that so much. I just fed, did vitals, and assessed every 3 hours. It was a great kiddo to start out with and I really learned a lot.

I also helped out with the other babies in my pod when I could (there are 4 pods, with four babies to each pod).

I'm amazed at how much of my preceptor experience in the MICU (adults) carried over to where I was. I was much more comfortable with charting and the little things like filling out the MPOC (its basically a nursing diagnosis type deal, hard to explain without seeing it). I felt like I was able to get right on in and just do it.

Tomorrow, depending on our assignment, I may take two babies and do all care on them! I feel that I can do that and am ready. These kiddo's are really pretty stable and are in the ICN to feed and grow and be monitored for things like apnea and bradycardia.

I still can't fully believe that I am the nurse but I'm getting there. I'd say I'm at about 50% right now which is better than where I started out this morning.

Time to go eat some dinner and gear up for day 2. They have me working 3 in a row. I have a feeling I am going to be exhausted on Saturday but it's all good since I have 4 days in a row off to recover.

Trip

2010-06-02T11:45:00.000-06:00

The trip ended up going very well. I'm exhausted but that is expected. What sucks is that I have to go grocery shopping today and then, if I feel up to it, tae kwon do tonight. We'll see. I'm still sore from boating on the lake.

The trip started off with a really nice plane ride. I really enjoy flying Americn Airlines. It sucks that you have to buy snacks and pay to check your bags but it's definately one step up from flying Southwest.

Saturday was spent in Chicago. We weren't able to check into our hotel right away so we dropped our bags and walked to the Navy Pier and ate lunch at Bubba Gump Shrimp Co (Finally!). It was everything I thought it would be. I'm so glad I got to go there.

We didn't hang out at the peir that much longer though. It was packed, shoulder to shoulder people so we couldn't see everything we wanted to. We gave up and walked to Michigan Ave to do some shopping.

While I really enjoyed Michicgan Ave, it wasn't everything I thought it would be. There were a lot of expensive stores there like Cole Han and Armani but the other stores were just like what you would see back home. I know I may be shot for this but I really like the shopping at Uptown better than the shopping there. Maybe I just need to go back and see it more, it's worth another trip, but that was my first impression anyway.

We stayed at a super nice hotel called the Swissotel (no, it's not a misspelling) off of Wacker Drive so we could walk anywhere we wanted to go. We had a nice lake view where we could see the Chicago river, Lake Michigan, Lakeshore Drive, and the Navy Pier. I have to say that I really dont't think that the hotel was worth what we paid for it though. It was super super expensive, bill came out to $500 for one night!!!! Luckily it was split 4 ways but even still! I would have been much happier staying in a cheaper hotel like the Embassy Suites, where the breakfast rocks!

The room we got was supposed to have two queen beds and we ended up with two full size beds. I was super disappointed about that. The beds were way comfy and the bathroom totally rocked! It has a seperate shower which was really nice. The bad part about the shower though is that no matter where you pointed the showerhead, it would spray on the floor and the floor was marble tile. It seemed very dangerous to me.

We got our breakfast comped and I happy for that because their breakfast menu totally sucked! We did the breakfast buffet and if we had to pay for it, it would have been 26 per person! Totally NOT worth that kind of money.

I was happy to say that I did get the experience of staying in a very very nice hotel but I also wouldn't do that again unless it's on someone else's tab or if it were just my husband and me and we had time and space to relax in the room.

I need to go get some grocery shopping done before I go back to work tomorrow. I will write about the rest, and the best, part of the trip when I have time again.

Adios

2010-05-28T12:20:00.000-06:00

This is my adios blog. I will not be blogging while I'm out of town.

Things are feeling better though. I checked into my flight this morning and got my seat assigned. I got a window seat which is OK. I'm so restless that I do better in an inside seat so I don't bug people when I get up to use the bathroom (which is inevitable). The row is only two seats so I can do this. On the flight home, my seat is in the inside right by the coffee bar so there will be noone across from me. Yay! So far I have the whole row to myself so maybe I can take a nap on the way home (unless it fills up).

I'm still stressed about all the different people involved in stuff but whatever. Next time I am getting a hotel somewhere or going to only one person's house and if anyone wants to come see me, they can come to me. So much less stress.

I guess you can say I've learned my lesson.

!Adios!

Enough!

2010-05-27T19:31:00.003-06:00

So a lot of good things happened today.

I called the BON yesterday to ask what the holdup was on getting my GN permit and lo and behold, it shows up today! Yay!!!! I guess I just had to bug them about it a little.

Another super duper good thing is that work finally got me in the system right and they caught it in time so that I will have my missing pay in my account tomorrow! Wohoo!!!

Two very big things taken care of and I am stressing a lot less about.

Then comes the trip.

The whole point of the trip was to go see my sister and to get out of town for some much needed R&R. Well, things didn't work out how I'd hoped (I wanted to just go see my sister and that was it but flights were prohibitively expensive to get to where she lives). So now I am flying into Chicago, which is great. I totally HEART the Windy City but now that I'm going there, it seems that everyone wants a piece of me and I'm only one person and can't please everybody.

What was once supposed to be a nice trip to see family now has too many hands involved (partly because I have a hard time saying no, although I did say no to a few ideas that my mom came up with)

I always wonder why I do this to myself. I do have to admit that it has gotten better but it's so hard when I go home to see family because they are so spread out about northern Illinois and Iowa that I can't possibly spend the time with everyone that they would like me to and that I would like to do as well.

I think next time I want to see family I will tell them that I will be at "X" and if they want to see me, they can come along. AND I WILL MEAN IT!!!!!!! *insert sarcasm and a stubborn foot stomp*

Ok, now that's off my chest I can go back to work stuff. I'm super excited to have only one more day of classroom stuff. Tomorrow morning is free to us to work on our annual competencies and then in the afternoon we have a lecture on..............ta-da!................stress management! This could not have happened at a better time.

I'm now in disbelief at how fast these past two and a half weeks have gone by. I can't believe they are going to release me to the floor now! I know I'm going to be eased into the process but this is it folks! In 12 very very short weeks, I will be out and practicing nursing on my own and I'm so scared!!!!

My mantra for these next 3 months is probably going to go something like..........."I don't know crap but I know I will rock this job" or some variation thereof. I imagine at first it's going to be more of the "I don't know crap why did I even go to school" variety and over the weeks I'm hoping to transition into "I KNOW I can rock this job".

Wish me luck! I hit the floor next Thursday!

Much better

2010-05-26T19:52:00.000-06:00

So after my little ~~mini~~ breakdown that I had the other day, I'm feeling much better.

I'm still concerned about getting my GN permit and all that but right now I'm more excited about my trip to Chicago/home.

Before I start that, I wanted to let you know how TKD is going. Tonight was an unusually large class because they had to switch our schedules for a going away party for a couple of the kids in the school so we started at 5:30 instead of 7:30. It was really nice.

Mike was the instructor tonight. He always works us hard. We did a lot of kicking drills, 510 kicks altogether for the class. We did the kicking in between our patterns. We were all wiped but it was an awesome workout.

I just wanted to mention TKD because it's starting to fall into place more. Things are coming out a lot easier than they were and my kicks are getting better in both form and speed. Plus I'm just feeling stronger overall. TKD is a wonderful sport!

I'm already trying to plan what I will bring with me on my trip home. I'm not quite sure yet but I want something cute and girly to wear. I plan on brining a summer dress or two but from there, I'm not so sure. I am going to pack some workout clothes so that I can do at least one good TDK workout while I'm there. Maybe I will even get someone to do it with me!! That would be fun!

I'm hoping that once I get back to a regular schedule, regular being working 12 hr days and being off for 4 days a week, I will be able to get back into a regular running schedule.

I'm really starting to miss running. Just a little bit.

It's really hard trying to plan a run when you are working 5 days a week. I am not a 5 day work week kind of gal. I love my 3 12's and can't wait to get back to them and my regularly scheduled life.

Lost

2010-05-25T18:00:00.000-06:00

I don't know if I'm officially lost or what but I am still not an official nurse in the system at work yet. This is driving me absolutely nuts! This is my biggest stressor right now by far because this is messing with my finances and you don't want to mess with a girls finances!!

I've been called and emailing HR every day and now have my unit manager, the nurse residency manager, and her assistant on the case so the poor HR person is getting it from everyone! I figure the more noise I make and the more heat I put on them, the quicker it will get fixed.

I still don't have my graduate nurse permit either and I think it may be because of the HR issue. Gah!!!!!

On a good note, I only have three more torturous (however you spell it) days in the classroom and then I am set free to go do my nurse thing. Yay!

Being in the classroom has been wearing on all of us. We're not learning anything new. It seems like they just put us there for putting us theres sake (I hope that makes sense). It's completely pointless.

After Friday it won't matter much though. I will be flying to Chicago to spend time with my family who wasn't able to make it down for my graduation and pinning and I'm totally excited about that. My aunt, cousin, and I are going to stay the night in Chicago on Saturday and then come home on Sunday, hopefully Sunday evening so we can spend some extra time in Chicago. I will be there through Tuesday.

Then I hit the unit on Thursday. As the day gets closer, I get more and more scared. I've at least walked through the unit now so I know what it looks like and know the general layout but even still. The only neonates I've ever delt with have been of the healthy kind, not the sick kind.

I know once I get in there I will be OK it's just having my first day looming over my head like a cloud along with the pay stuff and waiting for my ATT to take the NCLEX which I hope will come soon.

I know I've said it before but I just want to get this thing over and done with!!! Once I take it, I know that some of this extra weight I've been carrying on my shoulders will be gone.

The stress has just been getting me lately. It's actually been worse than when I was in nursing school. I'm sure the hormones from coming off birth control aren't helping but even still! Yeesh!! A girl can only take so much before she breaks and I totally broke yesterday. I'm not sure what it was but there was a straw somewhere that totally broke the camels back and it broke big!

At least I feel better today. I am exhausted and can hardly keep my eyes open but at least I'm not like this crazy monster who is angry and yelling at one minute and crying the next. I feel very even keel and if I have to be tired to feel "normal", I'll take it any day!

Now for some ice cream!

Weekend

2010-05-23T10:07:00.000-06:00

Yay for the weekend! It started off pretty busy. Yesterday morning I ran with the group and then went to breakfast at a place called The Grove downtown. It was a nice place. After that I came home, showered up and tried to lay down to take a nap with no avail.

Our friends had a birthday party for their girls last night so we went to that. It was good times. I really enjoy our friends and their two daughters a lot. They are the kind of good people that you want to keep around in your life forever.

My job came up for just a little while and it's amazing how I'm still in disbelief that I got this position. Even though I'm going up and down in my feelings about it, it all comes down to the fact that I still feel blessed for this opportunity.

Other than that, things are going fine. The hormones are still all over the place since stopping birth control. It seems that about 85% of the time I feel normal and the other 15% of the time is spent biting my tounge because the evil twin seems to come out. I don't like it when that happens. I'm glad I'm able to recognize it though and try to do something about it. Each passing week it's getting better and better. I'm hoping that I get all straightened out soon.

I talked to the guy who owns the tae kwon do studio that I go to asking him when we are going to be testing so that I can make sure I am off that day and I get a text back from him saying to not worry about it, he will work with me on it. I thought that was really cool of him. I do still want to go to the formal testing day though. I want to cheer on my fellow teammates as they also rank up. I love watching the higher belts test as well. It really inspires me to go home and practice so that I can be at that level one day.

Annual bike to work day and other musings

2010-05-21T18:57:00.000-06:00

Today was Albuquerque's annual bike to work day which is the high point, to me at least, of the Strive not to Drive week.

I didn't have to be to the hospital until 9:30 so I decided to go for it! It's something I've always wanted to do but with working 12-13 hour days, I would be too exhausted to ride home and I'm not so motivated to get up at 5am either. Another nice motivator is because it was a special bike to work day, a local organization http://www.bikeabq.org/ had special tables set up around town on popular commute routes and it just so happens that the route I take to work is one of them.

We biked on this day last year but it wasn't for a commute, we just went out and it happened to be a special day so we hit up the tables and got all kinds of goodies. I really enjoyed it and wanted to do it again this year and was starting to plan a ride until I got a job. Then I realized that today is a late start day for me and I got very excited and started planning my commute. :)

My husband wanted me to have some backup just in case I got into a pickle and needed some bailing out so I set that up. Turns out that my backup rode the first 5 or 6 miles with me this morning and made her daughter our backup now.

I really enjoyed having company for the first half of my commute this morning. Although it did slow the pace, I still enjoyed it and, not counting making a stop at the train station where bikeABQ was at, still made it to work in less than an hour.

It feels so good to know that I got my exercise in during my commute (talk about multitasking!) AND also helped the environment, not to mention, save a few bucks in gas as well. I wish we lived just a little closer so that I could make this a daily habit.

On the way home, I caught up to a guy at a street crossing and we started to talk. He apparently recognized me from the stop this morning so we hung out for the last 2-3 miles of the commute since we were both going to the same place. His name is Dave and he commutes by bike about 4 days a week, 18 miles round trip.

Speaking of which, it was amazing how differently people treated me on the way home (there were more people out on the way home than on the way in since I went in at an odd time). I got lots of nods and "How's it going". The feel was totally different from when I'm out for exercise on the bosque. But then again, the bosque has a crowd all of it's own you could say.

Today I burned about 1200 calories round trip, saved 2-3 dollars (about a gallon of gas, my car gets good mileage), and had a blast doing my part of getting cars off the road and decreasing emissions.

Let me get the nurse.

2010-05-20T13:12:00.000-06:00

For some reason I'm just not seeing myself in the nurse role. I say this because I had to sign a bunch of paperwork today for my job and the title line said RN. I'm so used to being in a different role that I feel like I don't fit in with RN yet. I know that one day it will kick in and I really will fit and see myself as the nurse but for now I just want to say "Let me get the nurse!"

Up and down

2010-05-19T17:21:00.000-06:00

Why do I keep going up and down in confidence? I'm not even on the unit yet and my confidence has dipped already.

I hate this feeling. I keep wondering if I can really do this and handle this. Maybe it dipped because I realized that I will be going to nights very soon.

I'm very concerned about the 6 weeks of classroom time I will be having where it will be during the day and I will be working during the night. I can tell you right now that I will not be handling that transition well at all. 6 weeks is a really long time to be doing that as well.

What is of great concern is that I will make a big mistake and that the shifting between the two different schedules will really mess with me and make me have a bad attitude.

Sinking in. Sort of

2010-05-18T19:38:00.000-06:00

It's sort of starting to all sink in today that I am going to be a nurse. I went and talked to the UBE for our unit to get some things straightened out and got to get a peek of the schedule. It's really cool to see my name on there with the nurses.

It's also sinking in that I will be going to nights soon. I'm a little nervous about this just because I've never done it before but at the same time it may work out quite well because the weather is going to be perfect to run after work, which I can do since there are several great running routes close by, and the gym is going to be fairly empty at 8am because most people will be comuting to work while I'm at the end of my day.

So far there is really nothing new to report. I had my benefits orientation today. They are quite expensive. My benefits are free but if I want to add my husband on my health insurance, it's almost $500 a month!!!!!!

Today was a skills day and I felt like I was back in school. Really this whole thing has felt like school. It's a mix between being in the classroom and doing hands on skills. The difference is I'm a nurse now and I'm getting paid for this!

The skills are hard for me to get into though because they are geared toward adults and adult care which I'm not going to do. I had a very hard time paying attention because of that.

It looks like I'm going to have 5 days off between finishing my classroom time and starting on the unit. I really hope we can plan for our Vegas vacation in that time.

It seems that I have already completed the majority of my competencies so I'm very happy about that. I got a TON of them to do as an extern at the begining of the year that I completed back in February.

I turned my paperwork into the BON yesterday and also registered with PearsonVUE and gave them my left leg to test. It's pretty expensive to take the NCLEX. Now I'm waiting on my ATT and as soon as I get that, I'm going to sign up and take my test.

Until next time.

Santa Fe Century Bike Ride

2010-05-16T17:55:00.000-06:00

So this is what I did today on a much needed day off for myself.

We woke up at 4am. There should be some sort of law about waking up so early that Starbucks isn't even open yet. After blindly stumbling around the house, we made it to our friends house to make the drive with them. We met two more friends so we had a small caravan making our way up to Santa Fe at 0500. My husband drove up and quite honestly, I don't remember much of it other than it seemed that the drive went really fast.

There is something to be said about getting out of town, even if it is only for a day. There is nothing like a change of scenery to refresh the soul.

It was pretty cold for New Mexico when we got there, just before the sun rose. All 8 of us were standing around in jackets and pants over our biking clothes. I was in flip flops and thought that my toes were going to freeze off.

We ate the pancake breakfast that they offered. I'm not quite sure of the flavor of the pancakes due to the immense amount of syrup that I tend to use but I do know they had pinon nuts in them. They also served turkey sausage. It was disgusting. Normally I love that but this was the most horrid stuff ever so I ate some regular sausage which is extremely rare for me but I did it knowing that I was doing a bike ride in a few hours.

I don't really suggest eating something as fatty as pork sausage before any sort of exercise. About 15 miles in, I burped some of it up. Let's just say I have no desire to eat the stuff ever again.

The ride itself was OK. Nothing special about it made me want to come back and do it again next year.

I ended up just doing the supposed 25 mile ride since I have not been on the bike at all since breaking my elbow. Today was the first day I was released from the doctor to ride. Yay!

The major thing I didn't like about the ride is that about 7-8 miles of the ride (14-16 miles total on the out and back course) was ridden ON interstate 25 where the speed limit is 75mph and there were NO SIGNS up warning people on the interstate that there was a bike race going on so these people are absolutely blowing by us. It was a little scary. I kept thinking about someone being nasty and throwing their trash at us. At those speeds, that could be devastating. At least the interstate has a HUGE shoulder right there to ride on.

Only two of us did the 25 (which was actually 20 miles) and 5 did the 50 mile route (2 did the loop and 3 did the out and back version). After we all finished up we headed over to the Second Street Brewery for some beer and food. It was so-so. I have no desire to go back there again but I'm glad that I at least tried it

On our way out of town we stopped at the outlets. I didn't find anything to buy, nothing struck me, but my husband found a few things and a friend got a real nice looking purse at the Coach outlet.

All I have to say is that I love stress release and exercise is my favorite way of getting some stress off. I feel so much better now. Much less anxious about the job and all the changes around that.

First Day in residency program

2010-05-14T13:19:00.000-06:00

Yes, even though I am unit based and not officially a nurse resident, I do still get the benefit of the education offered by the residency program. It's really a good deal. Since I'm unit based, I don't have to spend 3-4 months in different units, I go straight to home (and collect my $200 along the way----monopoly pun).

Yesterday was my first day. It was pretty alright. We got set up with our CBO's which are new hire check off books that we have to complete within one year of hire and goes toward our CAP points. CAP is basically earning pay raises based on education, research, and unit based stuff.

We also have two books that are self study and we have to submit our test online for grading. I'm going to work on those and have them done hopefully by the end of next week.

The day was actually quite boring. We did our introductions in the morning and our educators talked to us about the program and what to expect from it and what their expectations are from us.

After that, which took about 3 hours, we started doing NCLEX review. They just popped in the CD from the Saunder's review guide, which I have already, and we did questions from the CD one at a time. I can't believe I'm actually getting paid my nurses salary to study for the NCLEX!

With all the review we are going to do over the next two weeks, there should be no reason at all for me to fail. It seems that over 50% of our time in class is spent on review! I'm actually quite happy for that! I feel like I'm being set up for success and as a new nurse, I couldn't ask for anything better.

The class is quite small. There are a total of 24 of us. Only two in our class are from my graduating class from CNM so needless to say we are quite outnumbered. I'm so glad that the other CNM person is someone that I know and like. We are also hired on to the same unit. I'm very excited about that!!

We got to talking about our positions because we made one HUGE observation. All of the people in our class were hired from the inside. I think all the UNM grads were interns, I was an extern, and my counterpart was a tech. I'm not sure how many got scholarships but I know the two of us from CNM did.

It also seems that they had already preselected us for our positions. The positions that are taken by the UNM grads were posted but I was told by HR that those positions were not hiring for new grads but here they are filled by new grads. That's what makes me think we were all preselected for our positions. I would be real interested in knowing why they preselected me for NICU. Especially since I have zero NICU experience. Who knows. I can speculate all day on it but in the end it really doesn't matter. I am still feeling totally blessed for this opportunity!

We get ample time to complete our RN competencies so I will be brining my laptop along with me to work on those so that I make sure I get paid for doing them and don't have to worry about finding a computer. I'm going to go shopping today to look for a laptop carrier bag thing so I have something to carry it in when I ride the shuttle to and from the hospital.

I'm sure there is more to cover but I can't think of it right now.

I'm off to go get my NCLEX paperwork notaraized to walk it over on Monday so I can get my ATT ASAP. I just want to take the NCLEX and move on so then I can concentrate more on learning my job.

t-minus one day

2010-05-12T13:16:00.000-06:00

T-minus one day and counting until I start my new position.

I'm so excited about this that I couldn't sleep at all last night! I had so many things going through my head about what I need to do today like grocery shop! I haven't done a good grocery shopping in about a month. Needless to say it's just a bit overdue.

I also keep hoping that I get to see some fellow classmates in the classroom with me tomorrow.

So far I haven't heard of anyone getting hired on anywhere. I know one other person who interviewed on the same day I did at a different hospital and is doing their second interview on Friday. Other than that, I haven't heard a thing.

This is how much of a dork I am. I am making sure that my camera is nice and charged so I can take pictures. I totally *heart* pictures and am so happy that I got my little camera for Christmas!

I already have my scrubs laid out and everything. I even set my alarm this morning to make sure that I at least wake up at about the time I need to tomorrow. Not that I got out of bed or anything but I was at least conscious for a good 45 minutes when my alarm went off before I fell back asleep.

I'm super nervous about starting on nights but at the same time I'm excited. I've been doing a lot of reading on http://www.allnurses.com/ lately about night shift and have read good and bad. I'm doing my best to keep an open mind and who knows, maybe it will work out really good for me!

I'm already planning how I want to do my schedule to still have a life and am very excited about it! I like the idea that i will get off at about 0730 and be able to go to the gym and do something after work or even before work.

I'm not quite sure how it's going to work out with tae kwon do and running. I'm going to talk to the guy who owns the studio to see if I can open up my options and get permission to go to the advanced class so that I can keep coming and not have to drop. I really enjoy it so much and it keeps me excited and energized. I'd hate to have to quit. :( He's a reasonable guy so I'm guessing I will get permission to go.

Another benefit to going to the advanced classes is that there are more people my size there. I'm one of the oldest in my class right now which ranges from about 13 years old on up. It's me and one other guy who comes. We had another guy join last week but I didn't see him on Monday. I sure hope to see him tonight.

OK, I'm just rambling now.

It's official!! I'm a NICU nurse!

2010-05-11T12:23:00.003-06:00

I had this totally awesome blog done and for some reason, the site didn't post it! Grrrrr.....

As the title says, I'm a NICU nurse now!!

I got the job offer this morning soon after I woke up! I start on Thursday. Two and a half weeks are going to be in the classroom and then I will hit the floor with my preceptor for my orientation. Wow! My orientation will be up to 16 weeks with a mix of being on the floor and doing specific neonatal classes.

I actually start off with the nurse residency people before I go to the floor. This is where I will be doing my NCLEX prep.

I never in my life thought I would end up in the NICU. Adult ICU wouldn't have surprised me because that is where a lot of my tech experience is.

I guess the signs were there all along though.

I ran into one person before I got accepted into nursing school (was working on pre-reqs) and was trying to recruit me into the NICU. She made it sound really good and got my interest but then we parted ways.

At about the same time I met that person, I met another guy in my NAHA class that wanted to do NICU and nothing but NICU. He graduated some time before I did and got into NICU at another hosptial. Several months ago, I find this person on facebook and friend him.

One of the first people I ever met in nursing school was a tech in the NICU and had nothing but good to say about it.

Even after all of these signs and messages from God, I denyed that I would make a good NICU nurse. I always said that peds scared the crap out of me and I couldn't see myself doing this.

Then comes level 4 nursing (my last semester) where we do our peds rotation and guess what? I FELL IN LOVE with peds!!! It was the one and only rotation that I can honestly say that about! I LOVE working with the little bitties and the kiddos! I wish we had more time to do that in school. I actually loved it so much that I wanted to request my preceptorship for school to be with the kids but I got scared and backed out. Instead I went to the medical cardiac ICU because that was my comfort. I don't regret my decision though.

I'm just amazed!

I still have not set foot inside a NICU but I did a lot of research to prepare for the job. During my research, I came across a lot of people saying that they have been in the NICU for years and couldn't imagine doing anything else! I hear about burnout all the time and even went through it myself in the adult settings but not so much with peds and neonates.

I feel truly blessed to have this opportunity. I feel like I'm just being set up to reach my dreams/goals.

The NICU is mostly run by nurse practitioners and that is my end goal. So now I will look into going to school for my NNP. I can also do transport which fulfills my dream of being a flight nurse!!!! Plus several other opportunities that are available.

I feel like the sky is the limit and I'm so glad that I answered the door when God knocked!

When HR called the first time asking me if I want my resume sent on to the NICU manager, I immediately said yes. Not because I really wanted NICU but because I wanted a job. In the days following, I did a lot of praying and talking with God asking Him if this is what I am ment to do.

The answer was always a resounding Yes!! You are doing what you are ment to do!!

Whew!!!

I also got the greatest compliment I could ever get from a clinical instructor. She told me I "have the makings of a most excellent nurse."!!!! Can you believe it?!?!?!? I about cried when I saw that!

NICU job!

2010-05-10T10:44:00.002-06:00

I had my interview in the NICU today and totally nailed it!

I was so nervous while waiting but I did as they said and called them when I got off the elevators to let them know I was there. The lady I talked to, Rose, said that I was quite early (15 minutes) and to just sit back because the manager was still in another interview. So I sat there and let my mind just go. I couldn't tell you what I was thinking about while waiting but the wait sure went fast.

So Rose comes out to get me and I greet her with a smile and a friendly handshake. I was surprised to see her dressed in scrubs since she is an office assistant type of person.

We make our way back to Kathy's office and she leads me in. As soon as I came in, I made eye contact with Kathy and shook her hand and told her how honored I was to have an interview with her and that I appreciate her time.

The interview started off with an overview of the unit and what I can expect as far as orientation and education go. She also hands me a sheet explaining other opportunities as a nurse in this area. I didn't know there were so many possibilities!! I'm amazed!!

After that, she asked me if I had any questions so I pulled out my handy-dandy sheet that I made last night which is full of questions and just went down the list. She had already answered about half of them with the intro/information sheet.

Then she tells me that it's her turn to ask me questions. Luckily, when I was hired on as an extern at this hospital, the questions were exactly the same so I knew how to answer them and give the rigth answers.

As we get close to the end of the interview, she asks me if I can do the job without accomodation and I paused. Then she added.......with the appropriate training. And then I told her that with that qualifier, yes, I can definately do this job. :)

When we got through that, she started talking about how her priority to hire were people that already work there (check). She went on about this for a while and really insinuated to me that she wanted to hire me but she couldn't legally give me the job offer (HR/law/union stuff i assume).

She then asks me what my manager would say about me and I told her that I would get good reviews from my manager because I've always kept communication open and have built up a good rapport with her. Then she tells me that they got a hold of two of my references. Chris Cole, who did my pediatric rotation, and Traci Atkins who was my level 1 clinical instructor. She really emphasized the good word that Chris gave for me so I'm going to have to email her and say thank you! It seems that she really put a lot of weight into what my references had to say about me.

At the end, she's telling me again that she really wants to hire from the inside and that she wants us to start ASAP so that we can get into the NCLEX review class that the hospital puts on for new grads working there. She reiterated that several times.

It was kind of funny when she was talking about hiring from the inside. She kind of gave me "the look" and I picked up on it pretty quickly and smiled at her. You know "the look" not "the bad look" but the "we want you to work for us look".

I will find out later today for sure if I have the job. She said she had to go through the HR person to finalize everything but she sounded very concrete about me getting the position.

Who ever thought that I would be a NICU nurse?!?!?!?! I was always the one in class who was like "no, hissssssssss....babies scare me!". When I did my pediatric rotation though, I absolutely fell in love with it and told my instructor (Chris) that I was very surprised to see how much I really liked it! No other area spoke to me the way peds did and I'm looking forward to NICU just screaming at me "YOU ARE HOME".

Tournament

2010-05-08T17:53:00.003-06:00

Today was my first tae kwon do tournament in over 20 years. It was a small mini-tournament that was hosted by the guy who runs the school I go to.

All in all it turned out very well.

I started my day off at about 6am to be at a run at about 7:20 or so. It's really hard waking up that early when you body is used to sleeping in until 11-noon. My internal clock has been so messed up since I graudated.

Anyhow, the run this morning went well. I did 3:1 intervals for 3 miles in the crazy cold wind. Yes! It was COLD this morning!!!!!!

I left early from there to come home and get ready for the tournament. It was so hard to not lay down and go to sleep. I seemed to manage somehow.

I get to the tournament early and they are running behind with the little-bitties (little kids) so we got a late start.

First off was patterns. I thought it was going to be breaking so I was warming up for breaking. Oops!

The pattern I chose to do is called Dan Gun (you can search for videos on youtube if you really want to see the form/pattern). I rocked it! So then I did it again because I advanced to the second round. Rocked it again!!! I make it to the third round and decide to pull out the ol Chon Ji (again, you can youtube this) and totally F'd it up in ways I didn't think I could.

I know all of my patterns very well but because I was nervous about being judged and tired as heck, I ended up coming up with my own hybrid version of Dan Gun and Chon Ji. CRAP! I totally threw any hope I had of placing with that. I did mange to make it three rounds though so I'm very happy with that.

I absolutely rocked the power breaking to make up for forms/patterns.

The first break we were to do is a hammer fist breaking two boards. I was super nervous about this one because I had never broken two boards before. Even in practice I was only doing one at a time. Thanks to a good adrenaline rush, I managed to easily break the two boards no problem! Whew!! Score for me!

The second break was a side push kick which is a pretty powerful kick. I had to break three boards and managed to do so on the frist try with no problem at all! The people behind me had problems with it but the were also half my age so I give them props for going for it!

So the end result of the day was:

one 3 mile run
FIRST place in power breaking
making round three in patterns.

After the tournament I met some friends for a drink and a super late lunch/early dinner. Yummy yummy portabello burger in my tummy!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

2010-05-07T12:19:00.002-06:00

As the hours wane away and the interview gets closer, I get more and more nervous! I'd say I need to go for another run today but I have a run AND a tae kwon do tournament on Saturday and don't want to overdo it. Plus I'm sore from yesterday's run. That's what a little over a month of not running will do for you.

Anyway, I'm heading out soon to do some shopping for interview clothes. My first, and hopefully only stop, will be Marshall's. I totally heart Marshalls!!! They can be hit and miss though. Hopefully I will get a hit.

I really need to get my hair cut and colored as well. My grown out cut looks like crap and I want to look sharp come interview day! Plus I can see where my color has grown out. I'm thinking of dying it a chestnut brown mixed with red. Right now it's a honey brown mixed with red with a few blond highlights. I really like it but I also really like change.

I keep looking at master's options and it always seems that I come back to Nurse Practitioner. I think I'm going to start gearing my experience and education in that route.

The school requirements are reasonable, it's something I know I will love, I can work in an office if I chose with no weekends, no holidays, and no nigts. I think overall this will offer me the best of both worlds to be able to have a great carreer and also a fabulous family life. All the signs are there for me to do this.

I will probably go back to school in January to take the last few classes that I need for my BSN and then start that as soon as my work (wherever that will be) will start paying for it or if things are good enough, just start off on my own and then let work pick up on it when I'm eligible.

Luckily the classes I have left are the easy ones. I did the hard ones while waiting for my ADN program to start. Patho and statistics......check!!!! I'm so glad I took patho before my ADN. It made it much easier! All I have to take is a foriegn language (will take spanish), speech, and one more humanities like sociology. Easy cheesy!!!

Oh well, I'm off of here. Have lots to do today and not enough time (as always).

Wish me luck on my tournament tomorrow!! I will be performing in two events. Forms/Patterns and power breaking. I will be doing Dan Gun form (this is the yellow belt green stripe form) and the power breaks are a side push kick and a hamer fist break. I have to do the hammer fist break with my left hand because of the broken right elbow so I'm not expecting to score high but I'm still excited about it and am looking forward to having fun.

God bless!

Whew!!

2010-05-06T11:25:00.003-06:00

Alright. So I survived graduation and the pinning ceremony with only minimal tears.

Everyone kept asking me how I feel and quite honestly, I didn't feel any different. The only thing I really felt after it was all over was relief and a feeling of "now what?".

It's been almost one week now since I've graduated and I wish I could say something has changed but not really.

I've been calling an old manager about some job openings they have and got to talk to one old manager (love her) and not the one who is hiring for the posted positions. Grrrrrrr.........

I'm so tempted to keep calling. I'm at a point now that the wind has sort of come out of my sails and I don't know what to do.

On the other hand, I got a call from UNMH about an RN position in the NICU. This lead is actually going somewhere too. I have an interview at UNMH for this position on Monday.

I don't think I've ever been so scared about an interview as I am for this one! The reason is because my exposure/experience is extremely limited with neonates as compared to adults.

I feel completely comfortable doing invasive things to adults such as putting in Foley's and NG's. It doesn't bother me. The thought of doing that to someone who's life has just begun and is so innocent and has no understanding other than they don't feel good, just kills me.

I have put an in and out catheter in a baby when I worked the Pediatric ER and I felt so dirty doing that. I know I'm not a child molester but it just bothered me and made me feel like I violated this littly tiny person.

On the other hand, I did get nervous doing these things to adults when I first began as well. Over time, I've done so many that I don't even think about it anymore so there is hope for me.

I just feel so lost but at the same time, if I do get this position, I have a feeling that I will probably stay there forever!

I've been doing a lot of reading about NICU and a lot of nurses have said that they will not go anywhere else because they love it so much. You have no idea how excited I am to hear something like that with nursing! I would love it if I walked onto the unit and just fell in love!

Two of my friends from nursing school did their preceptorship in this unit. I've been in contact with one of them to get a heads up and help ease my nerves and she said that she absolutely loved this unit! Everyone was very nice to her and really helped her learn and grow as a nurse.

My interview is this Monday at 9am. It was originally scheduled for Wednesday but they moved me up on the list. I sure hope that's a good sign!

I'm praying to God every day and asking Him if this is where He really wants me to be. It seems like it becuase before I even got into nursing school (still doing prereq's) I kept running into a person who told me that NICU is where I need to go and several other things have happened during my education to put NICU in my mind and consider it. That is why I know that when I go into this interview, I will know if this is where He wants me to go or not. It's just like a gut feeling you get that you can't ignore because when God comes knocking on your door, it's a knock you can't ignore.

On that note, I'm going to to study for my interview. Yes study. I want to brush up on my knowledge of neonates before I go in so I don't look completely clueless.

PRAY FOR ME PLEASE!!!

Surivived

2010-05-02T13:22:00.004-06:00

I have now officially survived nursing school. I'm not quite sure how I did it but I did manage to come out on the other side only slightly scathed.

Yesterday really was wonderful. The pinning ceremony went very well. I had my family and friends present plus a surprise guest that I was thrilled to see. I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

Several of our instructors spoke at the ceremony but I will never forget Ms. Asbury. This woman is so filled with wisdom and wit. She is just one of those people that sticks in your mind forever because she can really speak to you, to your soul. CNM is very blessed to have such a spiritually rich person teaching the next generation of nurses. If I ever become a teacher of nursing, I want to carry on Ms. Asbury's work and spirit.

So yesterday was busy but worth every moment. I got a lifetime of memories in just one day. Most good.

So I was sitting down today opening presents from my party yesterday and was looking through books that my husband bought me: Chicken Soup for the Nurses Soul.

First off you have to know that I absolutely love these books! I've been reading them for years and even still have some from back when I was a teenager! Sometimes it's like hearing God speaking right to you through others as He does best.

It got me to thinking about why I started this journey.

I was reading the back of the book and it says: "Most people don't become nurses because of the pay, working conditions, or the convenient hours. Men and women become nurses because they want to make a difference in the lives of others through the use of their competent skills and caring hearts."

I think that sums it up quite well. I really can't pinpoint what exactly compelled me to become a nurse. Some may say it's a calling but I think it was more like being hit on the head by a hammer by God. It was so obvious to me what I wanted to do from a very early age.

Yes I deviated from that for quite a few years but God kept hitting me on the head and leading me in His direction.

I am also writing this to remind myself why I got into this.

When I was doing my preceptorship in the Medical/Cardiac ICU, I kept second guessing myself and why I was doing what I was doing. I felt so dumb and incompetent. Going in, I felt pretty good but that all went away quickly. I think one of my worst days was my final day on the unit, the Monday before Graduation.

I was giving medicines via IV just like any other day but for some reason, on this day, I was exceptionally nervous. I'm not quite sure why. I think it may be because this was one of the sickest people I had taken care of so far. I felt so overwhelmed and over my head but some how, by the grace of God, I made it through.

And now I'm ready for more! Don't get me wrong, I'm scared out of my mind but I know that God would not lead me down a path in the wrong direction.

Since I'm officially jobless, I'm now applying for jobs like mad. I have several applications out at a hospital where I got my start as a tech. I'm really praying hard and crossing my fingers that I get an interview and a job. This place has treated me so well and I would be so honored to go work for them again. I'll never forget when I was first hired on there and I felt immediately like I was at home. I feel my values really fit into this organization and we are just a good fit. If I get hired on here as a nurse, I see no reason why I would leave other than if we move.

I have been talking to people that I have worked with before and asking them to put in a good word for me. I have applied for four positions under my old manager. I called her yesterday almost as soon as the pinning ceremony was over to let her know that I was graduated and really would be honored to come work for her as an RN. I know if she hired me on, it would be a decision she would not regret.

When I first got hired on there, before I even started nursing school (had just finished prereq's and got accepted) they were asking me if I would come work for them when I graduated. I sure hope that offer still stands. I love the people I worked with there.

I forayed out into another hospital for an extern position and got to see many different units and personalities out there and I NEVER saw a team such as the ones I worked with at Pres. I have a special place in my heart for everyone there.

The teamwork is just amazing. Yes there is drama but in the end it's about getting the job done, and this team does this very effectively.

Several of my friends went to my old unit as students and of all the comments I heard about people talking in class, IMC and APC got the highest regards.

OK, I'm going to stop rambling now.

Mush

2010-04-23T09:49:00.003-06:00

That is exactly how I feel. Mush. People will ask me a simple question but to me it's like trying to say pi to the nth number. Forget it.

The other day at Tae Kwon Do, my instructor and I were discussing which belt I was to test to and he said that he wants to get me back to where I was which was yellow belt green tip. I had to stop and think about that because in my mind I was thinking white belt yellow tip which is two full ranks below where I was. Doh! I felt like such an idiot.

So in my mushy state, I can't remember if I bloged about my first patient death or not but it happened to me on Monday, day 3 for me. It was a lot harder than I expected.

I have seen many deaths as a tech but this was my first as a nurse and I just cried. I was there when they pulled the ET tube and turned off the vent. I even prepared the morphine that we can give if the family wants, for end of life care. It makes me shudder even writing this.

I don't know how I managed it but I did come back the next day. SOme days I'm amazed at the strength I can muster up when I have to. If I had my choice, I would have taken Tuesday off. I was so emotionally spent I coudln't even walk a straight line. I'm quite pathetic right now.

I only have one more day of preceptorship left and still no job. This is causing me a lot of stress. When I first got into the nursing field, jobs were a dime a dozen and now it's so incredibly competitve.

I put in 5 different applications at a hospital where I still technically work. Three of those are under my old manager. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that I get something out of it. I just put my application in yesterday so I'm not expecting to hear anything too soon but I did also call my manager to let her know that I put applications in.

One of those positions is a day position which would be absolutely fantastic! So cross your fingers for me that I get SOMETHING out of this!

I've decided I didn't really care much for one of my preceptors I've had. We were just two different personalities. Yes I learned a lot from her but I didn't feel very encouraged by her at all. I don't feel I got much positive feedback from her which has made it really difficult.

I'm feeling much more confident in the ICU and really enjoy the work but am still unsure of where exactly I stand. I feel I've done some good things. Yes I know I still have a TON to learn but some positive feedback would just be so helpful right now to my broken and bruised ego.

It's like I go through a roller coaster of emotions. Last night Ijust kept questioning my ability to be a nurse and if I was going to surivie and stick with it. I have the basics down and feel really good about that and I think with the right support I could do it. I just don't think my preceptor was the right support/person for me.

Will this ever end? Will I ever feel like a real nurse?

One week down, one to go

2010-04-18T11:11:00.003-06:00

Just as the title says, one week down, one to go! I started my preceptorship this past week in the medical cardiac ICU at the local teaching/university/level I trauma hospital this week.

I will never forget walking onto the floor for the first time and just wanting to turn around and go back home. I had no idea what I got myself into.

I thought that I would be OK. I had done only one shift there as an extern but have worked other ICU's and tons of SAC units. I thought I had this. WRONG!

My past experience didn't mean squat with that student nurse uniform on! As soon as I put my uniform on for my first day of preceptorship, it was like everything I had learned in school left me. It's the curse of the student nurse. My preceptor asked me a very simple math question and because I was so overwhelmed, I could not answer it. I felt so terrible at that time that it took all the energy I had to not go run to the bathroom and cry my eyes out.

To top all of this off, I'm doing my preceptorship with a broken elbow. I broke my elbow in a bicycling accident on Easter Sunday. :(

Somehow I manage to survive the first day. In the ICU, nurses typically take two patients. One of ours had lice and scabies and the other had serious explosive diarrhea. Like shoot across the room diarrhea. Thank you lactulose, thank you.

So I come in for my first full 12 hour shift (the first shift was 8 hours and was supposed to be an orientation...that was a joke). I was so relieved to see that we had two patients that didn't have anything explosive coming out of them or anything creepy crawling on them. Neither of them were on the vent and come to find out, they both ended up being SAC/floor status.

That was a good day. I started charting on my own. I didn't chart a full assessment but I did the required charting that we have to do every two hours. I felt very successful because I was able to, for the most part, keep up with it all. I also starting hanging more meds. That day was just an overall good one.

Yesterday when I came in was a little rough at first. Now don't mistake me for saying I'm coming in with confidence because I"m not. I realize I don't know crap and every time I go in, on my way to work, I get scared. Very very scared.

So I come in yesterday morning to a patient being coded at the end of the hall. Great. Nerves are going exponentially more now. I just want to turn around and go home. I'm not ready for this, why did I chose this place for preceptorship (this is what I was thinking to myself).

So I walk into the break room to get a general report and meet my preceptor for the day. We take a pretty interesting set. We had an assignment change the day before so my preceptor dropped one patient and picked up a new one.

Well, while my preceptor was giving report on her patient the day before, the pt's heart rate spikes up from the low 100's to the 160's. I wasn't there to see it but when we got report on this person the next morning, they were intubated because they had crashed pretty hard last night.

I feel for the night nurse who had her. Remember me talking about the patient that was coding as I was walking in? Well, the night nurse had both of these pateints. Both super sick. That scares me as a new nurse to think that, if I get a job in the ICU, that can so easily happen to me.

Anyhow, my patient was on the vetilator with a Levophed drip going. As soon as I heard, there went the nerves again. I kept thinking to myself that I was never going to get this down. I had failed miserably the first day with a pt on the vent, how was I going to do it today?

Somehow I managed to take care of the patient and not kill them! I'm very happy.

There were a TON of morning labs that we had to draw so we spent a good amount of time in the room. We drew blood cultures looking for infection. I've done IV's before but I've never done a lab draw before so I was a little nervous about it. I tried once on one arm and totally blew the vein. I kept thinking crap, now I"m really going to look bad. So I went and tried the other arm because we needed cultures from two different spots for them to be accurate. BAM! Got this one beautifully on the first try! I felt so good!

So we get our bottles filled and I go back to the other side to try again. I kept getting a flash in my catheter but then I would move when trying to stabilize the needle and blow it. I did that two more times before I was starting to get aggravated and asked my preceptor if she would try on her again. At this point I had already tried and blown it three times on this hand. Of course she gets it on the first try! Doh!

So after we get our cultures, we had some other labs to draw and we did that through the arterial line. Thank God for arterial lines! They rock!

So I'm getting everything together for the draws out of the line. I successfully pull out my waste, get everything prepped and ready to go. I accessed the port just fine and then as I took the blunt needle out of the port, I got blood all over the place! I had my alcohol swab there and ready but I was so worried about keeping pieces together because if anything came apart, I knew I'd make a big mess so I'm stabilizing the needle with my left had with the alcohol swab in it all while trying to take the vaccutainer out with my right. Well, the needle comes out of the port when I wasn't ready and blood squirted all over. All of my fingers were covered and I got the patient and also got to take a little souvanier with me (got some on my shoe).

THe next time I go to access the line for more labs, I forget to take the vaccutainer off of the collecting device before pulling the needle out so blood leaked out of the vaccutainer all over the patient.

If I keep this up, I'm going to get a bad nickname about this. I'm thinking something along the lines of bloodbathTerie.

It's not a super huge deal that this happened, it was just aggravating because I was trying so hard! I made almost every possible mistake I could have made with drawing blood out.

To make up for it though, I started hanging and charting my own IV piggybacks. I felt good about that!

Toward the end of the day, when my preceptor was in taking care of her patient, my pt's Levo starts beeping so I go into the room to try to add more time to the pump but the pump freaks out and starts throwing wierd things at me so I had to run and get my preceptor. I told her I had a "pressing" issue and she came immediately to help.

The whole process was maybe a minute in length but my pts pressure was already starting to drop. My preceptor told me I did the right thing to come and get her so quickly.

I'm amazed every time I do something right because I still feel like I don't know anything.

I ended my day by giving report for the first time. I think I did pretty OK on it. The nurse I was giving report to was really cool. I told him I hadn't done this before so I gave him what I thought was important and pretty much covered all the bases. The only thing I forgot to tell him is that the Levo was almost out but that there was another bag in the room ready to go when he needed it.

It's amazing that I stressed over that small detail ALL NIGHT! All I kept thinking is that I hope he saw the bag of Levo in the room when it went dry. I was so worried that I had killed my patient because I didn't tell the night nurse that one detal. I probably didn't but for a good few hours that was what was going through my head.

Argh!!!!!!!

Where exactly did it go?

2009-12-18T15:28:00.002-07:00

As I was walking around the mall today, finishing up my Christmas shopping, I can't help wonder and it sounded something like this:

Self: What happened to the true Christmas spirit? I'm blown away by how rude people are here!

Self 1: Yes it's a shame.

Enough said. Ugh!

I am just truly blown away by the way people act around this time of year! I had "incidents" with at least two strollers today, none of whom said excuse me or I'm sorry!

It's amazing how those two phrases can really make a difference and how little people use them!

People are all about memememememememe and it absolutely kills me! Have a little courtesy will you? I promise you that I'm not out to steal your end-all-be-all present for your loved one. I'm just here trying to get this done so I can enjoy the rest of my season.

Don't get me wrong, I really do like Christmas. A lot. I just wish that people would remember what the season really is all about.

While we are all out there shopping for our presents, there are people who can't afford to do that. And what about the people who have trouble affording their food or their life-saving medication?

Why can't we, for just one day, drop our mememememememe status and think about someone else? Someone less fortunate that we could help!

It's such a simple thing to do!

Donate a dollar here and a dollar there. Go volunteer somewhere that could really use the help. Or better yet, go volunteer where you can make a difference in someone's life by serving them a dinner, or handing out a much needed box of necessities such as food and clothing. Go to a nursing home and hand out little dollar presents to the residents living there. To them it's not the present that matters, it's the fact that you took time out of your schedule to see them that matters.

The smiles and thanks you get back from doing things like that is absolutely priceless and THAT IS WHAT THE SEASON REALLY IS ABOUT!

I challenge you that for one day you stop giving out your money to retail stores and isntead, give out your heart. The rewards are much to be had!

Merry Christmas everyone.

Over the hump

2009-12-18T10:19:00.002-07:00

Well hopefully I'm over my platau/hump of weight loss. Week one of the challenge, I lost 0.6 of a pound, then gained it back in week two, now in week three I'm down 2.2 pounds to be 171.0. Woot!

I sure hope I can keep this up. I've been getting tighter and tighter on my diet. It's been a series of small changes along the way and after seeing my weight loss this week, it gives me even more desire to stick with it and reach my goal.

My very short term goal is to break 170 and my medium term goal is 160 and then I reevaluate from there.

I did some Christmas shopping yesterday. Not quite done but got most of it out of the way. I'm hoping to finish today before I go to a party tonight with some friends from school.

This is going to be the tough one. When we hang out there is always a bunch of unhealthy food available. I'm thinking I may make a salad to bring just so there is something good to eat that won't totally ruin the progress I've made so far. That is if I have the time to stop by the store to pick up the stuff I need. I may be shopped out again.

Last night I finished shopping right when rush hour hit and I just didn't feel like dealing with it so I dropped in to the local book store (Hastings) and looked at books and sat and drank a tea while I read for about 45 minutes or so. It was nice.

I bought a book called Stitch and Bitch Nation. It's a knitting book. I just picked up knitting not too long ago and am hoping this book inspires me to stick with it. I think it would be really cool to make some of my own stuff to wear. Especially if it looks cute.

There are some really neat things to make in the book. I'm going to start simple with a cool pattern for a scarf, some cat toys, and the work up to a doggie sweater for a friend (I don't have a dog yet) and then on to these reall awesome leg warmer type things and fingerless gloves.

But before I do all of this, I need to finish the scarf I started. I'm just about there. I'm a slow knitter. I was hoping to have it done by Christmas but we'll see. It takes me a while but I'm about halfway through this ball of yarn and I may do one more depending on the length of it. We'll see.

Grrrrrrr

2009-12-13T08:04:00.002-07:00

I'm so aggravated right now! It seems like I keep losing and then gaining the same half pound.

What really confuses me though is that I'm losing inches. So far, since the begining of november, I've lost an inch off my waist, upper arms, and thighs so that's a good thing.

I'm thinking this weeks weigh-in is due to one of two things and I'm leaning heavily on the first.

1.) I ate a very not so good for you meal last night that was pretty high in sodium and of course I eat it right before bed without drinking a whole lot of water so I'm wondering if I'm retaining some water.

Solution: Going to reweigh myself tomorrow morning to see if that's the case. If there's a difference of at least a half pound, then I'll know.

2.) And I like this option as well. I've recently upped the pounds on my weights that I'm lifing and I'm gainig muscle and since muscle is more dense than fat, that would explain why I'm losing inches and not weight.

We'll see. Tomorrow will tell which theory is really at work here.

I'm a surviver!

2009-12-12T09:07:00.002-07:00

I will survive. No matter how many times I try I know I'll stay alive!

I was released to go back to work as of Thursday and unexpectedly put myself on the schedule for Friday. Like I said, unexpectedly. It was open and I really wanted to go back after being off for 2 months (OK, I worked two short shifts during this time but I don't really count them).

As soon as I got my schedule done, I headed straight to the grocery store to get some shopping for some easy work friendly and healthy foods. I will be making another trip soon to stock up even more but this was a scramble so I went for what I knew worked.

I packed my food for the day the night before and even entered it into my nutrition tracker on www.sparkpeople.com to give myself some accountability (basically to make me stay on track).

I was 99% successful in sticking with my diet and I'm so proud of myself! Work is where I seemed to really fall off the wagon because so many unhealthy/un-nutritious foods are freely available (not to mention free).

For example, yesterday when I came in to the unit they assigned me to, there was a butload of cake out on the table where we gave report. I managed to dodge that bullet almost completely. I can't really deprive myself so what I did was took a knife and cut a bite sized piece out so I could have just a little and that was it. I managed to stop at that.

I know down the road when the stress gets worse I'm really going to have to pull on my willpower but because my stress level was 0, I was able to keep in contril of stuff like that.

I did go over on my daily calorie alottment but I'm telling myself that I'm OK with that because I work 12.5 hour shifts and am on my feet for at least 11 of that doing patient care which I call my weight lifting for the day although I was on a general medical floor yesterday so it wasn't as bad as usual so I'm planning on hitting the gym today to do some weights.

So due to going back to work yesterday, I obviously didn't run so I am going to go out later this morning after it warms up a bit to do my first run! I'm so excited! I have everything all planned out, all I have to do is put on my clothes and go. Yay!!!!!! I'm getting butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it!

School is over too which is another reason I say that I'm a surviver!

I have officially survived my level 3 (3rd semester) nursing class and came out with a grade I totally didn't expect! I GOT A 90%!!!!!!!!!!!! In nursing school it's not an A, a 91 is an A, but I'm so freaking excited!

I was worried about this semester because I came into it so burnt out that I thought I was going to let my grade slip but I managed to keep it up! Woot!

With this grade, it should keep me in the top three in my class which is where I've been since the start of all of this back in January. I'd like to graduate top of my class, that would be really awesome for when I go for my masters, but I'll take the top 3 out of 80! That's still pretty darn good!

I'm so happy this semester is over. I took my tests all early so I'll get a full 5 week break. I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time since the first of September when I started.

For the break I'm planning on having a lot of fun by not studying and hanging out with my friends more.

Of course it can't all be fun and games so I'm going to be working 2 days a week to help make up for what I wasn't able to work previously.

Is it time to run yet?

2009-12-09T10:53:00.003-07:00

Can I run now? Please? Pretty pretty please?

It got me bad yesterday. I think I'm pretty much over the muscle soreness from not using my left ankle for a month. I'm feeling very high in energy and SO READY TO RUN!!! It's killing me! Pretty soon I'm going to start counting down the hours until Friday when I can run again.

Yesterday I had to take two tests at school, got registered for classes next semester, bought my parking pass, got my clearance note from the doc for work, and then went to the gym.

It was so hard to not crank up the speed on the treadmill yesterday but I resisted. I traded in increased speed for killer hills! I did the program on the treadmill called cross country 1 which went from a 0% incline up to a 9% incline. I actually got my heart rate up in the low 180's when I was at the 9% incline just walking! It was a great tough workout that I wouldn't mind doing again. I did that for 40 minutes and then did my weight workout which lasted another 35-40 minutes.

While I was at the gym, I got my body fat percentage tested and it came out to 28% which puts me in the overweight category. I'm not too sure that it was accurate because when the guy tested me, he didn't test any part of my lower body at all and you can't possibly get an overall body fat percentage without checking all over. He checked my arms front and back, my upper back, and my hip and that was all.

If anything, I figure that I can use this just as a gauge. I'm planning on having it done again in a month to see where I am. Even though it probably isn't accurate, I can still use it.

I did good things diet wise this week too! My aunt is in town, she came in Sunday and we met for dinner at Chili's. Since I knew that was where we were going to go, I hopped online to check the nutrition values of the meals and planned out my whole meal and pretty much stuck to it! I got the margarita grilled chicken but instead of the rice and beans, I substituted the seasonal veggies which saved me a lot of calories, enough that I could have a margarita and still stay within my calorie budget!

Every day this gets easier and easier. I'm so glad that I've made the changes that I have. Maybe I will reach my goal weight before having a kid. That's the whole point of all of this. I figure if I lose the weight before, I have a better chance of having a healthy baby and the weight should come off a little easier since I will have a system down already.

Final day

2009-12-08T10:39:00.003-07:00

Today is my final day of school. I have to drive downtown and take a few tests and then I'm done and I'll register for my classes next semester.

I'm so glad this semester is over. Although this wasn't the hardest semester academically, it was frustrating organizational wise.

The first half actually was great but it was the second half that was a nightmare! The secion director person had so much going on and her lectures were so all over the place it was rediculous! We wouldn't find out about things until the very last minute which makes it really hard to plan your time well.

So that's that.

After I finish my tests, I'm going to go to the gym and lift some weights and walk on the treadmill.

I'd walk outside today but it's so windy I'm dreading it, plus I need to get into the gym to lift. I didn't lift at all last week, I just walked outside. Last week was rough and I take a week off of weight lifting every 4-6 weeks and I was due anyway so it worked out in the end.

Today I'm going to resume my regular wight lifting schedule of twice a week doing a push/pull split. Push muscles on one day, pull muscles on another. I can get back to doing lower body work now that I'm out of the cast.

Had an eff it meal for dinner. Was just so incredibly hungry so I ate a lot of pizza. It was OK. I feel alright today. Gotta keep it in check though. I like to save at least one eff it meal for Saturday morning when we go out to breakfast after we all meet to run. It's a tradition that I've had for years and don't want to break. I do still try to keep it as healthy as possible by ordering eggwhites dry instead of scrambled eggs, and I only eat half of what I order and save the other half for lunch (this happens if we go to Weck's where the portions are enough for 2-3 people in one plate!)

I'd be really happy if I lost a pound this week. Still waiting to get out of the 170's. I'm so close!!!!

End of week one for the 5% challenge

2009-12-06T09:47:00.004-07:00

It's turned out pretty well. I started at 173.2 and am down to 172.6 so I lost 0.6 pounds this week which seems realistic for me to keep up. Would have liked to lose a pound but yesterday was a gift exchange where I let it go a little and ate several small helpings of deserts and some really yummy appetizers. Tried to balance it with fruit and beer. Yes I said beer. Yum!

I think I've finally found out where my calorie range should be. Before, I was trying to keep my calories too low and I felt low on energy and my mood changed but now that I have a better grasp on my range, I feel normal, if not really good when I eat in that range. I added 300 calories-ish per day. It's amazing what that little amount can do for you.

So this was my first week out of the boot as well. I'm not allowed to run until December 11. Doc said to just walk for 10 days to build up my muscles which didn't have to work while I was in the boot.

I've been walking quite a bit. I walked 4 miles yesterday with the group and have walked several other times during the week.

The only part that is sore are those muscles that I have to build back up again so if I have a particularly busy day on my feet, I try to rest the next day until the soreness goes away and then I go for a nice long walk again adding on a few minutes each time to get my muscles to where I need them to be to be able to run.

I talked to the doc about the C25k plan and he thinks it's a good way to get back and so do I.

When I get back to it, I may start somewhere in the middle of the plan and work up from there but we'll see. That first day is really going to be an experiment and I'm not sure what my body will do.

I know I've lost fitness while I was out but I don't know exactly how much.

The good news is that with all the years behind me of working out and stuff, it shouldn't take me too long to build myself back up. I'm guessing a couple of months before I get to my regular long run routine.

We'll see.

Merry Christmas all!

Ugh!

2009-12-02T14:55:00.002-07:00

It's nice to know that I have control over two things today. My nutrition and my fitness. Do I eat well and exercise or do I sloth? Hmmmmmmmm........

Today I took two "practice" tests that are supposed to predict how well a person will do on the NCLEX exam. I've taken two previous tests in med-surg and totally rocked them, ranking in the 93-97th percentile.

Not so much anymore. Today the two tests I took were psych and maternal/baby nursing. My two weakest subjects.

It totally showed on my test results too. I totally bombed them. Not just a little bomb but I'm talking atomic size bombed them!!!! I didn't even meet the standard on them and I'm totally bummed about it!

I know I've been slacking but I'm still doing well, close to the top of my class, but this was all foreign to me today!

I'm sure the migraine doesn't help at all. It started last night and has gotten worse through today. I did take some Tylenol before the test but it wasn't enough. When I get these I can't concentrate on anything for the life of me. Grrrrrrrrr....

So I will regain control by going for a walk without the boot! Yay!!!!!! And I will keep my nutrition in check.

A new day right?

2009-11-28T11:00:00.003-07:00

So today is a new day right? I sure hope so because if it isn't, I'm screwed!

Thanksgiving was good. I'm feeling 100% better now. I really wonder if all my yucky-ness came from overeating. I didn't intend to overeat. I even served my dinner on a smaller salad plate while everyone else used the bigger plates. I got some wierd looks but I don't really care.

I filled my plate with a serving of meat, a good heaping serving spoon full of sweet potato banana stuff, a small spoonful of homemade cranberry sauce, a small serving of mashed potatoes and a very very small serving of stuffing. No gravy! The sweet potato banana stuff was so good that I had another smaller spoonful of that on round two. After dinner we played games and I ate a lot of fudge. My friend made fudge and I couldn't resist, taking two small pieces at one time. Must have eaten like 10 pieces of the stuff! Then we had pumpkin pie. I had one piece, told the husband to give me a small one and he gave me a normal sized one and of course I ate it all which is why I asked for the smaller sized piece in the first place. Then I topped it all off with two glasses of red wine (pinot noir).

After that, I spent the next 24 hours in misery. Nothing settled right and I was always afraid I was going to throw it all back up again. I was convinced that by the time I woke up the next morning, the previous night's dinner was already gone from all the trips I had to make to the bathroom. It was plain miserable.

At least it's done and out of the way. Eating on Christmas has never been a big focus for me so I'm not as worried about overeating then as I was for Thanksgiving.

I have to admit though, I've gotten better about my choices such as not taking the gravy and getting small portions of stuffing.

I also did something a little different this year. I always make my potatoes butter and margarine free and use light sour cream and milk instead. This year I used a small amount of light sour cream, finished it off with light yogurt and a splash of milk. I couldn't tell the difference! They came out so good that I'm going to start doing this more often!

So today is a new day. I'm feeling better and will be able to get back on track.

Today is also the start of the 5% winter weight loss challenge. It goes from today until February and the point is to lose 5% of your weight in that time.

This comes out to a little more than 8 pounds for me. Seems very reasonable.

Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it!

Ugh

2009-11-27T13:03:00.002-07:00

Ugh. That's all I can really say for how I feel right now.

Yesterday for Thanksgiving, we had some friends over and we had a lot of good food plus we played games. It was so much fun! Everything worked out so well I couldn't have asked for much better.

Until the wee hours this morning when I got sick. I felt so terrible. I was up and down, up and down, from 1:30 to about 5 this morning. I don't know if it was because I overate or what but I had it coming out all over.

The husband didn't get sick so that's why I'm wondering if it's because I ate too much or my body didn't like the wine I was drinking (only had 2 glasses so hangover isn't an option).

Either way, I learned my lesson and have absolutely no desire to eat much at all right now.

It's 1pm, I got out of bed at 9am and my stomach is still protesting although at least it's not lurching anything out.

Thanksgiving Eve

2009-11-25T12:02:00.002-07:00

Here it is, the eve of Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for. The first thing is life. I thank my mom and dad for giving that to me. It's been a good one!

I'm also thankful for all of the friends I've made here in Albuquerque! You guys are what makes this place feel like home and that is priceless!!!

I'm thankful for my husband and all of the support he's given me in this past year that I've been in nursing school. It's been a rough one but I know I can count on him!

I'm thankful for my 2 kitties because they are the best stress busters ever!!! There's nothing better than sitting down and being surrounded by these two lumps of purring fur. Beautiful!

I'm thankful for beer, oh beer! Light of course! It seems to really take the edge off a rough day sometimes. Oh yeah, can't forget wine either! My favorite!

I could go on and on but I'm tired and need a nap (I'm thankful for those too!).

A plan!!!!!!

2009-11-23T11:03:00.002-07:00

Watch out! A woman with a plan could potentially be dangerous! :)

As the day of my next doctor's appointment with the podiatrist comes up I think more and more about planning my comeback and it's so exciting!

I have a feeling I will be released to cycling first which is A-OK with me! I actually get butterflies in my stomach thinking about it I'm so excited!

The main purpose for thinking of my comeback plan has to do with running since the injury I have is running related.

I've been thinking about it for a few days and then today as I'm checking my www.sparkpeople.com page, I had my ah ha moment! C25K!!!

For those of you who aren't familiar with the C25K, it stands for Couch 2 5k. This is a plan for people coming straight from the couch to get them up and running (pun intenteded). So today I go to www.coolrunning.com and print out a copy of the plan to bring to the podiatrist a week from Tuesday.

If I get his OK for it, then I'm going to follow this plan and then work my way back up.

If I get his blessings, my tentative plans are to do a sprint tri in April and then a 10k in May. From there, it's hard to tell. I'd really like to get into half marathon shape again before I get pregnant but I'll just have to see how things work out.

After I finish the C25k plan, In Motion will be starting so that will work out perfect for me as a transition to Albuquerque Fit which starts in April.

I'm so excited! I'm crossing my fingers that it all works out!

Lessons learned

2009-11-22T17:21:00.002-07:00

Yep! I survived one more week of relearning how to live with a new lifestyle.

My biggest challenge this past week was when I went out with a few people after school on Friday.

To start off the day, someone brought in a lot of junk food for us to eat so I indulged in some chips and queso (sp?) and a powdered donut. The donut actually didn't taste so good so next time it comes up, I'll know I can pass on that and not feel like I'm missing anything. The food was brought in because we were watching some movies for part of our psych rotation in school.

After class we went to the bar for some drinks. I got my usual Corona Light with a lime. I always order light beer so that when I drink it, and I only had one, I don't feel like I'm ruining the whole day.

The three of us ordered appetizers to share for lunch since it was that time. We ordered this combination type appetizer that ended up being enough to feed like 6 people or so and it was all fried food. Fried okra, mushrooms (yum!), zuccini (yum), and cheese sticks. Suffice to say it was basically a heart attack on a plate. I figured I could have some though since I'd done pretty well throughout the week so I did. I tried to eat more of the mushrooms and zuccini and had 2 of the cheese sticks. I was so full from lunch that when I got home I had a super light dinner.

That's the thing with all of this is that every time I encounter something like this, I try to learn from it. What I learned this week is that I can pass on the storebought donuts. They did nothing for me other than taste processed.

Every week I'm learning how to balance things and that is another principle that I put into play on Friday.

Another valuable thing I learned is to pack my food and bring it with me! I was saved by packing my food on Thursday. I had planned on eating my lunch at school but we got out early enough that it didn't happen so I went and took care of some things that needed to be done. While taking care of what I needed to do, it was so tempting to stop in the cafeteria and pick something quick up. But I kept reminding myself that I took time this morning to pack some healthy food and that I really should eat that and I did! I totally passed on the cafeteria and I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!

Last night was kind of a challenge for me too but I'm so happy at how well I did! It was another potluck type of situation with some unhealthy food avaialble. Luckily it was with the group that I coach and we're all generally good about brining healthy stuff to eat for main/side dishes so what I did was I filled half of my plate with salad and just a little bit of dressing and then filled the other half of my plate with a portion of protein and then left a little space for some not-so-good but good for the soul food. I know it wasn't perfect but I'm getting better at navigating these types of things which is one of my biggest pitfalls.

So, lessons learned this week: still working on balancing meals (getting better at it), I can pass on the store bought donuts and not miss a thing other than guilt and who wants that and, the most valuable lesson I learned this week was that always having healthy food around and ready to go makes it so much easier to resist temptations such as convenience foods/unhealthy stuff.

Tuesday is the weigh in. We'll see how it goes. I'm a little nervous because of how Friday went.

Running my old friend, I truly miss you. BAD!

2009-11-17T16:37:00.003-07:00

Let's start off with the good because I like good. Good is happy and fun.

I weighed in this morning and saw that I lost another 2 pounds much to my surprise. I didn't have time to measure so I don't know how everything else turned out. My next small/big goal is to get below 170. That would be awesome and I'm so close!!!!!

Last week was rough as far as the diet goes. I ate out 3 times and tried my best to do the balancing game. Apparently it worked but it was really hard. The most difficult day was Friday when we ate out for lunch (it was the end of clinicals) and then Scott and I went out for dinner that night to a pizza place (Il Vicino) with friends we hadn't seen in a while. I ordered a healthy sounding sandwich, not pizza, had them hold the dressings and add extra good stuff like tomatoes. Did I mention lunch on Friday was at a bar? Bars do not equal healthy food but I did my best with a ham and cheese sandwich, hold the mayo. I did splurge on fries and a Corona Light (with a lime of course!) and they were sooooo good!

This whole injury thing is really starting to take it's toll on me mentally. I had been doing very well in holding it all off but something changed over the weekend and now I'm totally down in the dumps about it.

It seems that everywhere I go I see people running and I want so badly to be one of those people! I remember what it was like to be one of those people! It was fantastic! It's hard though because every time I see someone running, I feel like I'm being slapped in the face with reality.

My mind is really starting to get the best of me. It seems silly to me that I would feel like this but I do and it's very real. I try as hard as I can to get my fix but nothing seems to really help. Swimming doesn't get my heartrate up, plus it hurts my ankle if I do it too long and I can only do the eliptical for 20 minutes which is enough to get the heart rate up if I put the resistence up high (which I do) but it's not long enough for all the "make me feel good" chemicals in my brain to get going and that is what I'm really missing out on. I know this is wrong on every level but I'm so tempted to go into the gym and hit the elliptical for a good 45 minutes at a good pace with the resistance up there (8-9/10). I think that may start to trigger the feel good stuff again.

I miss me and I'm sure everyone else around me misses the old me too. I'd like to apologize now for how I've changed over the past few weeks. I just want you to know that I really am trying my best and I'm doing everything possible to be in a good mood.

I never really believed in being addicted to running until now. When someone says they are addicted, I totally understand and can relate! There's nothing like moving your feet over the ground (especially the trails!), feeling your heart beat and your breath coming evenly, in, out, in, out, thump, thump, thump, thump. Then the only sounds you hear are those of your footsteps, your light breathing, and those of the world happening around you while you are on your morning communte as well.

I always get a kick out of running the paseo trail/north diversion channel during rush hour in the morning. I love to think how everyone is going through their morning communte to their offices all stressed out about what their day is going to bring them and here I am, "commuting" in the only way a runner really can. Totally free of stress and care and worry. It really is a great and beautiful feeling. I also know I can go home and have some more coffee. That makes it all the more sweet.

More good news is that the pain in my foot is greatly reduced. I tried yoga last night. I did yoga fit's Powerful Yoga. It's a great DVD and I really enjoyed it but I'm feeling it today. My whole upper body is sore and my ankle is a little sore as well.

Seeing as I was working a flu clinic yesterday and it was dead and I had a lot of time on my hands, I did a little more research on what's going on with my ankle. The best description that I found from the mayoclinic.com and medscape.com is that my bone isn't broken but my cartilage is.

So yes, I am officially broken.

Today is a real tough mental day for me because I want to go work out but with the way my body reacted to doing the yoga last night, I know it would not be a smart thing to do. I'm craving my fix so bad that it's killing me though! I wish I could just put on my running shoes and go run my 3 mile loop (that is now partially torn up due to a road being built but it's still there!) right out my door.

To add a little sting to this, Scott comes home yesterday with mint chocolate ice cream. Now if you know me well, and I'm sure you do now, you know that mint chocolate ANYTHING is right up there with chocolate and peanutbutter. I just can't resist it and when you put it in ice cream, it's toast. Come to my tummy!

What I'm saying is that Scott comes home with one of the worst possible foods for me to have in the house right now because ice cream is a comfort food for me.

Scott is also working nights this week and then is going to Tuscon for the bike race on Thrusday and won't be home until Sunday. I'm really wondering how I'm going to deal with this. I have a feeling I'm going to be at the gym a lot.