TurboNurse

That is exactly how I feel. Mush. People will ask me a simple question but to me it's like trying to say pi to the nth number. Forget it.

The other day at Tae Kwon Do, my instructor and I were discussing which belt I was to test to and he said that he wants to get me back to where I was which was yellow belt green tip. I had to stop and think about that because in my mind I was thinking white belt yellow tip which is two full ranks below where I was. Doh! I felt like such an idiot.

So in my mushy state, I can't remember if I bloged about my first patient death or not but it happened to me on Monday, day 3 for me. It was a lot harder than I expected.

I have seen many deaths as a tech but this was my first as a nurse and I just cried. I was there when they pulled the ET tube and turned off the vent. I even prepared the morphine that we can give if the family wants, for end of life care. It makes me shudder even writing this.

I don't know how I managed it but I did come back the next day. SOme days I'm amazed at the strength I can muster up when I have to. If I had my choice, I would have taken Tuesday off. I was so emotionally spent I coudln't even walk a straight line. I'm quite pathetic right now.

I only have one more day of preceptorship left and still no job. This is causing me a lot of stress. When I first got into the nursing field, jobs were a dime a dozen and now it's so incredibly competitve.

I put in 5 different applications at a hospital where I still technically work. Three of those are under my old manager. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that I get something out of it. I just put my application in yesterday so I'm not expecting to hear anything too soon but I did also call my manager to let her know that I put applications in.

One of those positions is a day position which would be absolutely fantastic! So cross your fingers for me that I get SOMETHING out of this!

I've decided I didn't really care much for one of my preceptors I've had. We were just two different personalities. Yes I learned a lot from her but I didn't feel very encouraged by her at all. I don't feel I got much positive feedback from her which has made it really difficult.

I'm feeling much more confident in the ICU and really enjoy the work but am still unsure of where exactly I stand. I feel I've done some good things. Yes I know I still have a TON to learn but some positive feedback would just be so helpful right now to my broken and bruised ego.

It's like I go through a roller coaster of emotions. Last night Ijust kept questioning my ability to be a nurse and if I was going to surivie and stick with it. I have the basics down and feel really good about that and I think with the right support I could do it. I just don't think my preceptor was the right support/person for me.

Will this ever end? Will I ever feel like a real nurse?