I can't believe I only have two weeks left of orientation! T W O W E E K S. Even when you spread it out, it's not that long. hahahahahaha!
Had a little mini-meeting yesterday with the unit educator about my orientation. My preceptor thinks I'm ready. I told her I'm scared out of my mind. They gave me the option to come off orientation early if I wanted to. I don't think I'm ready mentally.
I mean if they had just told me they were ending my orientation right then and there, I COULD do it. I have found that I am putting a lot of mental preparation into being on my own. I am having to totally psych myself up and tell myself I can do it and the resist the urge to run the other way, toward my preceptor/security blanket.
I wonder if this is what some people go through when getting married. Would this be like getting cold feet? I'm asking because I never got that feeling about my wedding.
With all of this, I have found a riding group called Women Riding Well. I went out with them last Saturday and made my first attempt at riding my bike to the crest of the Sandias. We started at the triangle which is right at the turnoff to the crest road off of 14. There is a gas station and that is where we parked.
I was a little hesitant at first because there was another lady there that seemed absolutely fixated on what kind of bikes everyone was riding, what kind of shoes everyone had, where they bought thier gear, etc. I'm not so into that. I ride for enjoyment, stress relief, and pure joy. Not for status or for showing off what gear I have or how much money I (don't) have. Later on I found out that she was a guest as well (there were about 4 or 5 of us who rode as guests that day).
I made it up just past the ski area, a little over 7 miles up. The lady who was worried about what bikes everyone was riding didn't make it up that far (I don't know where/when she turned around and I don't really care). When I got to the stop, there were two or three people already there and when I got there, it was nothing but great support, high fives, and great women. I talked to them about the group and this seems to be more the norm than the other lady.
So I think I will take the plunge and join them today. The group is not meeting because a lot of them are riding the MS 150. Next week the group is going to Santa Fe on Labor Day and doing a ride down 14 to the Madrid area. I'm excited to join them.
I am still torn though. I really miss my friends from Albuquerque Fit. Right now I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Either way, even though I am going through a huge transition in my life, I feel like things are starting to even out and fall where they need to be. I just have to remind myself to constantly listen to what God is telling me. That's hard too.
It's so easy to neglect God for me in times like this. I feel like I haven't been talking to Him as much as I used to. I really have to make myself stop and listen to Him whereas before, it was as easy as breathing. I didn't have to think about it at all. I'm also wondering if I should join a small group from my church now that life is begining to even out. I know I could really use the spiritual support. I'm going to have to look into that. I need a good solid church family. I'm sure they could have totally helped me though this rough time.
I could ramble all day but I'm going to stop here. I'm so excited at the thought of seeing my friends tonight! I can't wait! It's going to be so much fun! I'm going to see some people that I haven't seen in several months that I absolutely love like family!
So I just finished up my continuing ed classes today and I'm happy for that! On the flip side it means I only have two more weeks on orientation before they cut the cord and let me go. I'm scared out of my mind! But this blog really isn't about that.
This blog is to get off my chest the transition from (professional) student to professional nurse.
I have so much now that I didn't have before. I also have so much less than I had before. It's give and take and so far the take part sucks ass.
My whole life is changing before my eyes and I don't know what to do. The easy answer is to roll with the waves but sometimes these waves are so huge that they take you under and you have to fight your way back to the air just to breathe.
Nursing school doesn't prepare you for this. Yes you graduate but they don't mention how your whole life can change along with it.
For me the change has been slow and then it was like I've hit a brick wall. BAM! Change is staring me right in the face just daring me to move forward. It's taunting me. It's saying to me "you know you want it. Come and get it chicken!"
I like change but at the same time I don't like it. I'm facing many scary life transitions right now and it sucks. Change just a little bit at a time is good but a lot of change all at once is destroying me.
Add on to that the fact that I will very soon be trying to swim with my head above the waves at work with being on my own.
Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
So yesterday at work, I had the (not so) pleasure of being involved in my first ever code in the neonatal world.
I have to start from the beginning of my week. Thursday when I worked was my first time being first admit. What that means is that my preceptor and I were up to get the first baby admitted to our unit. We ended up getting a 24 weeker (micropreemie). While it was a critical admission, it all went very smoothly. We were super busy but that is to be expected on an admit.
Yesterday, Friday, we get this transfer from another part of the state to do a proceedure that only the hospital I work at does in our state.
This was a messy transfer. If I hadn't seen the EKG tracing on our monitor and if the baby had not been intubated, I would have thought the baby already dead. As soon as the baby came out of the transport incubator, I had to stop myself from gasping. It was just terrible. Baby was blue all over. I've seen cyanosis before but NEVER this profound.
As soon as we got the baby hooked up to the monitor, we all knew it was just a matter of time before we start coding.
We went on with our admission assessment and did what we had to do until it was time to start the code.
Even though we never wish to have this happen to us, I was at the same time amazed at how adrenaline-free the whole thing was. My preceptor put it beautifully. In the adult ICU world (where I came from) it seems that everyone is just waiting for a code to happen. People get excited and let the adrenaline take over. It's the complete opposite in the neonatal world.
We, yes myself included, were calm the whole time. There was no yelling, no running. Everyone just kept very cool and calm and collected. I knew there was a reason I was called to the neonatal world.
When the code started for the first time, I didn't even realize they had officially started. Just a few minutes before it happened, we opened the crash cart and got our meds ready. It definately wasn't what I expected. It was much better.
Since this was my first time experiencing this, my role the first two times was recorder. It was the perfect place for me to be because my job as a recorder was to watch and record everything that hapened, when it happened. The third time we coded the baby, I got to push the meds while me preceptor recorded for me.
The attending called it during our last code so we stopped, much to everyone's relief.
This was such a messy, ugly situation. When my preceptor and I were talking about it after, she told me that they haven't had a code that bad/messy in 4-5 years. I guess when it's Friday the 13th, it's really Friday the 13th!
I now also understand why we allow people at the bedside when this happens. It seems that when the family can see that we really are doing everything we can for their baby or loved one, they begin to understand really what is going on.
When I was in school and even when I was a tech, I used to cringe when the family was at the bedside when we coded a patient but now, as a nurse, I totally appreciate and encourage family to be at the bedside.
On the emotional side of things, I was devastated. Not as devastated as the family of the child was, by any means. It was very difficult for me. Even before we started to code the baby, I was having to hold back tears and just concentrate on the job at hand.
When it was finally over, I had to step out of the pod while they handed the baby to family and just let a little bit of it out. I just put myself up against the wall and let some tears start to flow.
While that whole sitation was hard, what was even harder than that was having to go back to my other two patients, whom I haven't seen in almost 4 hours at this point, and carry on like nothing happened. I had a lot of work to catch up on as far as charting goes because I had to chart on my two patients I started the day out with and then chart on my third one, the transport.
Once I finally made it out of work (only 30 minutes after shift end.....not too bad!) I got to my car and just allowed myself time to cry. I let it all out and just put my head on my steering wheel and bawled my eyes out for a good 10 minutes. Then I decided that I needed to go home so I gathered myself up again to make it home safely.
I got home and was OK until I saw my husband. He asked me what was wrong and all I could do was bawl again, in his arms. Bless his heart. I don't know what I would do without him. I have my own way of dealing with things and he let me deal how I needed to all while being available for me to talk to but not in my way.
I can also now see why so many new nurses quit the job within the first year. If you go into nursing thinking it's all going to be passing meds and wiping butts, you are wrong! Nursing is so much more than that. Immensely more than that. Nursing is treating the whole person, and in more cases than not, the whole family.
The thought did cross my mind about throwing in the towel. It crossed only briefly before I told myself that is the wrong answer. I got into this job because of my love of people, medicine, and (w)holistic healing.
This was the dirty side of nursing. We deal with life and death all day every day we are at work, especially in the critical care areas. We are the eyes and ears for the doctors since we are at the bedside a lot more than they are. We are NOT the doctors handmaidens. We ARE the doctors TEAMMATES.
I've said this many times. As nurses, we have the ability to see humanity in it's lowest and hardest times. It's worst. But we all love what we do and come back for more.
It's amazing the impact we can have on a human life. I absolutely LOVE what I do and couldn't imagine doing anything different. My heart is in nursing and that is where I am going to stay.
While I'm ever so thankful to have this day off, if I did have to work today, I would have gone in with a smile because today is a new day. It's a new opportunity to help these young lives go on. Today will never be yesterday or tomorrow. It's all about now and being the best we can be in this exact moment. Nobody knows what the future will bring and the past is the past. We learn as we go but our focus really needs to be on the NOW. For if we focus our energy on the present, this is when we are our best and ready to do our best work ever.
