TurboNurse

I FINALLY had my first successful admit today!  It's about time!

Granted, it was a nice easy admit meaning that it wasn't crashing as it was coming through the doors.  It just came to us for prematurity.  33 almost 34 weeks.

I was actually pretty much on my own for this admission.  I had help getting an IV started and some labs drawn and that was it.  There really wasn't that much to do.

I actually felt like a real nurse today! (as opposed to being a nurse with training wheels)

First off, one of the hardest things about starting a blog is coming up with a title.  Sometimes it comes just like that and other times I have absolutely no clue what to call it.  Why does a blog really have to have a title anyway?  It's not like I'm writing a chapter in a children's book.  Why can't I just number them 1, 2, 3, etc like they do in regular books? 

Just some food for thought.

So life is life.  Work has been going well.  Every day I'm learning to stand on my own two feet with more confidence.  I still fall down at least several times a day but it seems I'm not falling as hard as I used to.  That's a good thing.

I attempted to sleep in just a little bit this morning but my body decided it was time to wake up at 7:30.  My alarm wasn't set until 8:30.  I figure that if I'm awake enough to turn over, look at the alarm clock and fully register what time it is, I need to get out of bed.  Which I did.

It was kind of nice.  Scott was still asleep so I made myself a nice, mostly clean, breakfast of Cream of Wheat.  Cream of Wheat itself is a clean food but it becomes mostly clean when you add sugar to it.  Maybe more on that later.

Back on track now, I made myself some coffee and curled up in a nice comfy chair which is sitting in front of our sliding glass door and worked on my bible study before going this morning.  It was just me, the cats, and the bird.  Hanging out like we do.  I haven't done this in a long time.

I think I am paying for it a little right now though.  I was really wanting to go to the gym today but I'm so tired that if I went right now, I wouldn't get the workout that I want.  Instead, I will rest this afternoon and attempt to go tonight after the husband goes to school.  The downside is that the gym will be more busy but it's a risk I'm willing to take. Haha!

The Day of the Tread is coming up quickly.  I'm so excited about it!  I'm also excited that even though I haven't run much this year, I still have a nice fall goal to look forward to.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't set any sort of goal for myself.  Goals are what keep us going and growing as human beings.  If we just stop at the bar and don't raise it, where is the incentive to become a better person, to grow and expand our wings?  There isn't any.  It all has to come from us and those around us who may realize things in us that we don't see.

That being said, I feel I've grown a lot in these past few months in goals that I have made.  Even though I haven't cycled like I would like to, I feel my bike handling skills have improved greatly and I'm feeling very good about that.  I have been struggling with Tae Kwon Do this past month and last night it seemed that something clicked and I "got it".  We also did a lot of kicks between our patterns.  Our instructor told us we would probably be sore the next day from it.  I'm not sore one bit!  All this time I have put into training, both in and out of the gym, is starting to pay off in ways I didn't realize it would so soon.  The pattern I've been lamenting about, Won-Hyo, is finally becoming second nature to me because I've practiced it so much.  Last but not least, when I did my warmups last night before class, I was able to do 15 regular (not on my knees since they aren't allowed) pushups in a row!  Wohoo!!!! 

I guess all those pushups I do in the bathroom at work, plus weight lifting is starting to pay off.  At least two out of three days that I work, I make a goal of doing 10 regular pushups every time I go to use the bathroom which turns into anywhere from 30-50 pushups in one day.  I still don't feel like I could mention that I do this to my coworkers though.  I think they would look at me like I had three eyes and a missing limb or something.  I mean, who really works out at work?  I don't know if they would fully understand my drive and determination to be the best I can be and to give all I have to everything I do. 

Am I so strange to be so dedicated to something I enjoy so much? 

There is just something about Tae Kwon Do that really helps take my mind of all of the stresses in my life.  It's that one hour, twice a week (I wish it were more) that I can absolutely let go of everything that has been bothering me and concentrate on one thing that I tend to neglect.  Me.  My spiritual/mental health.

I can't describe the joy I get when I land a real nice kick or punch on someone.  It's so gratifying (spelling?).  Every time I land a technique on someone, it's like I'm letting go of that small piece of stress that has been holding me back from being the best I can be.

I'm going to be very honest right now.  I've been dealing with some anger.  I'm not sure why this has come up now and I can't identify exactly what triggered it or caused it.  Because of this, I need this release more than ever right now.  It's amazingly helping me through this.  It's helping me keep my mind together so I don't just randomly blow up on someone who doesn't deserve it.  Cycling has also helped me with this.  When I cycle, I forget everything as well and just focus on the now and how I feel.

Cycling makes me feel free.  I can cover great distances in a reasonable amount of time and not be completely spent for the rest of the day.  I can see so many different things in one ride, each bringing with it it's own set of emotions.  What I most enjoy is the solitude I find even in a group.  I don't feel like I have to talk to anyone if I don't want to.  If I want to break away from the pack, I just do a little sprint to get ahead.  If I feel like talking or just being around people, I will slow down and ride in the pace line for a while.

I feel like I'm slowly finding my equilibrium again.  It hasn't been easy and the road ahead will have some bumps I'm sure.  Either way, I'm not giving up.

yep.  47 miles and I'm still smiling, and sitting, and standing.  I'm ready for a nap though.  I have lunch cooking now.  I made a hamburger and am warming up some Athena potato wedges to go with it.

I rode with Women Riding Well this morning.  It was a fantastic ride.  The communication in the group is the best.  I thought we would have really spread out over the distance but we didn't.  On the way back several of us split off the group but for the most part they stayed together.

It was quite a big group.  19 riders in all.  I think 5 did the 25 mile and the rest of us did the 47.

I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about the group but for the most part the people were fantastic and really nice.  I did feel a little put off by a few people that were riding more my pace and that sucked.  I just ignored them and did my thing which happened to be the pace they were riding.

I was also a little frustrated at first.  When we turned off Rio Bravo onto Isleta, it seemed we kept slowing down but I couldn't figure out for the life of me why we were slowing.  We were also riding about 12mph.  Finally someone was able to break off and those of us who wanted to go faster were able.  Once we turned on Coors farther south I was able to break away from the group about halfway through the distance on that road.  That was nice.  Once we hit Los Lunas we slowed down again.  Why, I have no clue.

The way back home was the best part of it.  We were off the bikes for quite a while in Los Lunas because someone wrecked and got some road rash and needed to be patched up before we took off.  Since we had stopped so long, I had a major cramp going on in my right hip flexor so I stayed with the group for a few miles until that loosened up again and then I took off to our next meet up place.  That was fantastic.  I was doing 18-20mph and it felt so good!

We regrouped at a gas station and I ended up behind someone who was not so skilled at communication about things in the road.  It started off with her pointing to things on the right side with her left hand.  I could hardly see what she was trying to tell me.  The only reason I knew she was trying to signal was because I would see the shift in her shoulders.  Finally she started pointing to things on her right with her right hand.  By that point I was more watching the person in front of her than her though.

One point really got my blood boiling though.  There was a huge piece of wood in the middle of the shoulder we were all riding on and I couldn't see the person in front of her and she didn't signal that there was something there so I ran right over this huge piece of wood and damn near wrecked.  After that I waited for a clear spot and I passed that little group.  I just couldn't do it anymore.  I didn't feel safe.

Once I broke away from that small pack, about 3 of us, the rest of the ride home was benign.

I'm still a little fumed about the lack of signaling on the way home but other than that, the ride went without incident.

At the end of the ride I was asked to join the group.  I thought that was nice.

I don't know.  It was a GREAT experience and I had an overall excellent time and met some really nice people but I didn't walk away with that warm fuzzy feeling I had hoped for.

I think I will join anyway and see how it goes.  Every ride is different and each week different people show up so I'm taking that into strong consideration because the first time I rode with the group we did the crest ride and I walked away with that warm fuzzy feeling for sure.  That was a lot shorter ride.

Another thing that got me was when I was in part of the lead pack.  We all regrouped again at another gas station and were talking about our strategy for getting back on the path from Rio Bravo.  They were talking about cutting across traffic to get back and I piped up that there was a much much safer way of getting there.  I really got some cold looks over that.  We all ended up going the safe way but it was just odd.  I felt totally put off but whatever.   Luckily one of the guys that rode with us today (guys were invited today) also knew the way I was talking about so that  helped as well.  The conversation ended with "well we will all do our thing". 

What was funny is that I ended up riding with the person who said that at the end and it was OK.  She was talking to me so who knows.

It's always interesting when you get a group of women together.

The main ride people were really nice though and that is what counts.

Balloon Fiesta came and went this year.  I'm bummed.  We only got to go one night for a balloon glow and it got canceled due to a storm.  At least we still got to see fireworks.  I did get my pins and my program.  I still need to pull out my hat and put my pins on.

I guess I'm just bummed that I didn't get to go more.  Usually we go to an ascent and a glow.  I did get to see the ascents from far away though so I didn't totally miss out on it all.  Then yesterday at work some of the balloons went right by us so I got to watch them out the window.

I took care of a kid yesterday with a really really young dad.  It was tough.  I didn't agree with the whole thing between mom and dad.  I just didn't get it.  None of it made any sense whatsoever.  So while they were there, I bit my tounge pretty much the whole time.

There are so many situations like that out there that it makes me so sad.  There is an older adult male that has rationalized having sex with a teenager because he claims he is a born again christian.  WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

What is wrong with these people?  I'm not going to say any more here but I can tell you that it gets much much worse than that.

What is it that makes these people so sick like that?  What went wrong in their childhood to make them think that stuff like this is OK?

UGH! 

Report was kind of interesting yesterday.  I had the longest report on two very easy kids and to be honest, I got a lot of what I didn't need to know and not enough of what I needed to know.  I'm not a fan of report like that.  I really wonder if the person I was getting report from was just riding the clock and using a long report as an excuse to get some doubletime (anything past 7:30 is double time for us).  Some people will do that.  Really if you are only getting 15 or 30 minutes of overtime, it makes no difference on your check at all.  Pennies at most.  Then it makes management mad.

The tae kwon do tournament is on Saturday.  I just realized last night that I haven't practiced any of the breaks I signed up to do.  I signed up to do all 4 events, sparring, patterns, power breaking, and technique breaking.  I could really use the practice on my technique breaking and patterns.  I don't know why but I'm nervous about this.

I need a massage.

I have now been 2nd admit for two days in a row and of course, I get something both days.  Today sucked in a special way though.

I got a kiddo from L&D.  I knew it was preterm.  What none of us were prepared for was the respiratory distress that ensued as soon as the kid got on the unit.

I've seen retrations before.  They are more common on our unit so I'm quite familiar with them.  What I had never seen before today were retractions that were going what looked like an inch deep below the ribs!  My eyes just popped out of my head!  Unbelievable.

So needless to say the kid was intubated.  There were hardly any breath sounds on either side.  We all thought the kid had a pneumo.  Thank goodness that wasn't it.  The RT's gave it surfactant and that seemed to make things better.

Anyhow, I can't remember how many admissions I've had since I've been off of orientation and this one sticks out just because it is the first really sick kid I've gotten.

While I feel like I knew what to do, once your routine gets messed up by, say an intubation and line placement, it really throws a person off.  There were little things that needed to be done, that I knew needed to be done but had to be reminded to do because my routine was screwed up.  Whoever said we are creatures of habit hit the nail right on the head with that one!

Luckily I had a lot of help around me and a good crew of people to ask them my many questions that I had.  If it weren't for them I would have been so lost.

I'm still waiting to have a day that I go into work where I don't feel like I"ve messed something up or could have done something better.

We had to give some sedation drugs and all of our doses are xmg(ormcg)/kg. 

I'm amazed at how quickly the seasoned nurses can come up with these doses.  It's like BAM and they know while I'm still trying to figure out what in the world just happened and then about 2-3 minutes later it sinks in and I am able to figure out the doses as well.

I'm just so darn slow at things like that.

I'm still waiting for the day that I will be able to just pull things out like that.  I'm also still waiting for the day that I come in AND leave work confident in the work that I did that day and my own ability.

Everyone says that this feeling I'm having lasts for about a year.  Well, if orientation doesn't count, I have about 11 months to go.

Most days I wonder how I'll ever survive this time.  I pray that it goes quickly and that things will click one day.  I pray every day for the strength just to make it through the day with my dignity intact.  I pray every day for God to work through my hands and to have His will be done.

One of these days...............................................

I will be a confident and competant nurse.

I made my first attempt today at eating clean.  I've been reading about it for quite some time.  I just recently bought the Eat Clean Diet Recharged (I also have the original).

After reading about the benefits of the clean eating lifestyle over and over again, I decided that it's time to stop reading about it and take some action.

Tonight I armed myself with my eat clean grocery list and headed out to Sunflower market.  I figured if they didn't have it at Sunflower, I didn't need it.

I couldn't believe how full my cart was of fresh veggies!  I spent more time in the produce section than I have in years!  My cart actually looked pretty with all the color!

I got to the checkout line expecting a hefty grocery bill but much to my surprise, it was less than I usually spend at the store by about $50!

I think the benefit of shopping at Sunflower is the temptation of the well known prepackaged, nutrient void foods is taken away.  They don't carry Lay's potato chips, big name ice cream or anything like that.

As I was making my lunch I realized that when I was counting calories last year with much success, a lot of what I was packing in my lunch was clean food!  I would pack the occasional frozen dinner but it was at least 70% clean, high-density nutritious food.

This time around I'm focusing more on WHAT I'm eating rather than how much.

Why? 

This is part of me taking back control of my health and my life.  I've been thinkng lately about how much of an impact my lifestyle could be having on my lack of getting pregnant.

I already exercise in moderate amounts.  My tae kwon do class is like a HIIT workout and the other workouts I do during the week such as weight lifting is of moderate steady state intensity.

Plus these past few days my diet has been absolute crap and I'm wondering if that's why I've been feeling as such.

Eating clean really is simple.  Just think natural.  It's not hard to cook a nutritious, natural, nonprepackaged meal.  Even with prep time it takes the same amount of time, if not less time with practice, to prepare as does a prepackaged meal.

The benefit is that I will be loading up my body with the food it was made to eat and process.  I'm essentially going to turn my body into the efficient food processing machine it was intended by nature to be.  I don't know about you, but that thought excites me!

I've taken charge and changed my diet to a more natural and less processed yucky food one. 

Are you ready to take charge and own your health through the natural nonprocessed food that our bodies were made to eat?

I double dog dare you!!!!!!!!!

Ki-yap!

Wow!  I didn't realize how much I had missed running!

I went out for a short trail run this morning with the Sunday morning ladies group and it was so nice!  This was my first run in almost 4 months.  I admit that it was probably a bit ambitious to go for a foothills trail run as my first run back.  I don't really care though.

It actually went much better than expected.  I thought I would have walked a lot more than I did.  I'd be a liar if I said it were easy.  I really enjoyed it though and that is most important

Then ankles are surprisingly holding up well right now, about an hour after finishing.  That makes me so happy!  I had planned on going to Body Pump at the gym after the run but I am still trying to let my chest muscle heal.  I think it got strained on Wednesday.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to lift some weights.

Anyhow, I didn't realize how much I had missed running and it missed me.  After going on this run, I think I figured out why I've been feeling like I'm in a slump lately and running was the perfect pick-me-up happy pill I've been needing!

Now the trick with this will be to find balance.  Not to sound like a chapter out of Eat, Pray, Love (which by the way, wasn't all that great IMHO) but I feel like life is about trying to find that delicate balance again and then keeping it.  The most important part of this journey is going to be to stay true to myself and not get sucked into things.

I'm not sure what my plans will be with running.  I'd like to run 3 days a week.  I still have hopes of doing a 10k soon but think I should probably shoot for a 5k first and see how that goes.  Maybe I should make a goal of running the Turkey Trot this year as long as I'm off work.  That sounds good.

That's been the hard part about goal making recently.  Work.  It's hard for me to commit to much long term (longer than 3 weeks out) because I never know what I will be working.

The good news is that I seem to be settling into a regular schedule now.  I am going to ask for just one more change and that should be it.  Right now I alternate, unless I switch days with someone, Th-Fri-Sat and Tue-Wed-Fri.  I'd like to switch the last part of that to Tue-Thur-Fri.

I feel like I'm slowly getting there.  It's just going to take time.  I'm going to have to learn some patience, which in a lot of cases is not one of my strong points. 

Thanks Brigitte for letting me come out and hang with you guys!! Can't wait to do it again!

Life is such a delicate balance and it's amazing how easily that balance can be thrown off.

Well I've decided that I'm tired of being off balance and I need to get back into my routine. 

I've been saying for a while now that I am ready to get back into running but haven't.  I admit it, I'm scared.  I'm scared for the pain to come back again.  My ankle still isn't 100% but I'm coming to terms that this just may be something I'm going to have to live with and I can't let it rule my life.

Ever since graduation (yeah I can't believe either I'm still singing the graduation blues) life has not been what it once was and I'm sick of it.

Tomorrow starts a new week, a new dawn and I'm not going to let it get away from me anymore.  I'm sick of being a passenger, I want to take the wheel!

Many changes came and went and now it's time to get back to my regularly scheduled life.

Something clicked in me yesterday and made me realize that I just need to get back in control of my life because right now, I see a downward spiral coming on and I absolutely refuse to let that happen.  Been there.  Done that.  Got the t-shirt and shredded it.

I'm sick of being miserable and the only person I have blame is myself.

OK.  Now that's out of the way........................